Advice wanted
I am feeling anxious and upset, because my cousin who’s been living in NYC is back home for the holidays. We’re having a family get together for her that I’d rather not attend. She’s my older cousin and she dislikes me. Among all my cousins, she has a mean streak and she’s not hesitant to show it. We’ve only met a few times in the past decade but she was always cold towards me and treated me passive-agressively. She’s close with my parents and my siblings but she treats me differently. My mother has this habit of telling other people that I’m the black sheep of the family and that I’m making her miserable in one way or another, so I think that’s what happened with my cousin. My mother likes to portray herself as a victim so she makes me out to be a villain, usually to others in the family and to her friends. My mother spent some time with my cousin in NY, when she was there visiting so I suspect that’s why she’s unkind to me. This happened before, a friend of my mom’s who spends time with us every now and then, bullied me when I was a teen up til my twenties. I’m usually quiet, I keep to myself, I barely use social media, I’m shy and insecure because I’m not as successful as my siblings and my cousins and I have a career that’s useless in my parent’s eyes- all this makes me an easy scapegoat and target. It hurts that my cousin never tried to connect with me or tried to see my side of the story before she decided to treat me so coldly. It hurt all the other times other people did as well. I’m still at a point where i’m trying to understand and slowly heal from the trauma and baggage caused by my relationship with my mother. I don’t know what to do, should I go to the reunion? she doesn’t like me so it’s not like I’m wanted there. I feel like it’ll just be an opportunity for her to verbally put me down or put me on the spot in some way. It’ll be rude if I don’t show up. Am I being a wimp? Should I just suck it up and learn to take the punches? I’m not even sure I’m strong enough to endure that.
I’d say nothing worth your peace, so for me it’s better if you don’t go. Consider it as a boundary, for your peace and for their peace as well. It is kinda rude of course, to not attending a family event. We’re part of our family so we’re expected to comply to all the family rules and cultures (such as attending family event). But for me, our mental health should always be our priority. I don’t want to go places where I know I’d be roasted and shamed by some people that refuse to understand me but judging me. I think it is sad, to always be a villain in someone’s story, especially that someone is the one that should love us unconditionally and should be our supporter in life.
Sending you hugs from here.. Stay strong dear 🥺❤️
@quietnomore
Don't go, and if your mum calls you asking why you didn't just say, because i'm the villain in your story and hang up. You don't need that crap in your life.
Thank you for the support, it helped me deal with the overwhelming anxiety these past few days. I’m slowly learning to navigate my toxic family relationships, writing down how I feel and telling others who will listen definitely helped me regain balance. I used to keep everything hidden and never talked about what was happening to me. I used to go through cycles of anxiety and depression for longer periods of time because of it. Now I’m more vocal about it because there are people like you who will listen and not invalidate what I’m going through, so thank you.
