Married but feeling like a single mother
I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m a SAHM with a 4 year old and 9 month old. My husband sleeps in until *usually* I get him up. He goes to work and when he gets home it’s time for the kids to be in bed. On the weekends he also sleeps in… until 4pm if I let him. When he gets up he’s on his phone or only wants to do activities HE wants to do with our oldest.
He barely helps with anything around the house, even putting his own clothes away. Half of the time I take the trash out because he just piles things on top instead of walking two seconds to the trash can outside. He only does the lawn care habitually (except during the winter).
Our parenting styles are extremely different, he’s more of a bully and pushes our oldest to the point where he’s always crying and practically scared of his dad being mad. He isn’t abusive by any means, but raising his voice to our crying 9 month old because he doesn’t know how to calm him is so wrong. It seems like he is only wanting to parent when the kids are happy and being well behaved…
Our relationship you ask? Ha… what relationship. He gets to talk about his work and passion but I feel like everything I do, say, and enjoy is made fun of or he literally ignores me when I’m talking. Oh and I’m from England, which he constantly reminds me is lesser than being American. He has a joke with our son that it’s “bad” and he gets tickled if he says he’s British (which technically he is 50%) and only stops when he says he’s American again.
I’d say he’s the bread winner with me being a SAHM, however that’s completely incorrect. I have VA disability money from being in the military that pays for everything. His job barely makes money for his energy drink and nicotine habit. It’s more of his passion and I wanted to let him do something he loves.
Theres more but this is already a novel. I don’t know what to do.
@crimsonPlace1255
Sounds like he has issues that he needs to deal with the oversleeping could be a depression. maybe he knows you are doing so much he is not really relevant.
did you talk about parenting styles or share of chores before marriage and kids? Can you talk about them NOW? Two different styles often confuses children.
I know as moms we pick up the slack but it has honestly the opposite effect. the more you do the less he feels he needs to do.
the more you hope he will change on his own or figure out where to take garbage out ....the frustration and resentment will build in you. Have you considered counseling as a couple?
@toughTiger6481 these are all very good observations and I was basically going to say the exact same.
From a man's prospective, I agree and can confirm. The over sleeping is depression. Depression leads to laziness and lack of motivation. If you're doing all the chores for him, but not talking to him aboutot, he will never have to motivation to do it himself. Although he is clearly taking you for granted, it might not be out of malice.
While this behavior isn't acceptable for a working relationship, I think it's important to find out the root cause. Couples therapy would definitely be beneficial.
If only he would agree to therapy
@crimsonPlace1255
Hi,
I understand things from your point of view. How it might be bothering you. Truly speaking you can't let go things this way. As it keeps in hurting you and might eat you from inside.
You need to take initiative to talk about the things that hurt you especially his behavior. He might be too busy with his work schedule and might need rest so might be sleeping for long hours and even on the other days.
Still he need to take time for you and your Family. It's because of you, he might be getting things all done on right time.
You need to talk to him about this like how his behavior hurt you and what you expect from him. Still if he is not ready to listen to you. Try to take him to counselor so that his fixed and wrong thoughts might get rectified.
@crimsonPlace1255 First if no one has told you today that you are crushing it I hope you know you are!
2nd... I totally get this... My relationship is (but still a work in progress...we are far from being out of the spot we put ourselves in) similar to yours, but my hubby is the vet with the disability payment and we both have some mental health to work on... but we got to the point where we got in an argument about if he wanted to be roommates or if he wanted a spouse... and it was a hard conversation. I was overwhelmed and felt like there was a lot to be expected and a plate that was too full, with a cup that was far too empty. So, I see you!
What we ended up talking about was a) couples therapy for a third-party eye on where we are missing our communication b) expectations and responsibilities c) how we could show each other that there is more to us then sleeping in the same room and d) we do weekly check ins, where we talk about what went well and what we still need more on.
It's hard... but you got this! I hope everything works out and hopefully this helps.