Lonely without him
I'm in my early 40s, single, successful, independent working woman. I live with my parents. They're supportive of every decision I make and whatever I do. In life, I have nothing to complain except for my 'Love Life' :(
I've never found myself getting involved in a relationship. During my student years, I noticed how some boys would lie and break trust in relationships, and that led me to decide not to pursue one.
I've turned down countless boys who approached me. Some of them have had good intentions but I never felt the spark.
Five years ago, I fell in love with a married man who is now the love of my life. (I never intended to get involved with a married man but he reached out and made me fall for him. He loves me genuinely and I know it by heart.)
He has a family. His wife and kids, whom he loves deeply, are always his top priority. However, my love for him is so strong that I've chosen to stay in this unconventional relationship, even though I often feel out of place. But, we are both trying to make it work.
I have no regrets for falling for him out of no where at this age. I know he is the one I've always always waiting for. He's everything a man should be. However, the emotional baggage that comes with being involved with a married man is subconsciously creating resentment within me, leading to years of emotional pain that I’ve been carrying alone.
He is such a great partner, he cares for me in every possible way. He makes an effort to be there and share in my feelings, but I've never been able to communicate this pain to him effectively. Whenever I attempt to discuss it, I’m overwhelmed by a storm of anger and resentment.
His ignorance regarding my wishes and the pain I feel about this issue breaks my heart.
Two weeks ago, these feelings once again overwhelmed me, and I couldn’t bear the pain I’ve been carrying alone for years. I decided to break up with him and walked away. He hasn’t even reached out to me in the past two weeks, leaving me to walk away.
I feel so helpless, so alone, and so empty without him. It’s heart-wrenching. I feel like my heart will explode out of my chest. For the past two weeks, I haven’t stopped shedding tears for a single day. The pain of losing him is so intense that it feels physical; I’m experiencing chest pain, my nerves feel blocked, and sometimes I struggle to breathe.
But this time, I can't find the courage to go back. I don’t know what to do or how to cope. Can anyone help me pease ?
@solitarysoul0306
hey, dont go back. staying with him is the easy thing to but not the right thing to do.
he was bored in his existing marriage so he was finding a way out , but he never truly loved you , him not caring about your mental health is proof, its okay let him go.
about the physical pain and crying it gets better with time, your heart idealized and adored this person and you truly loved him. it was your love and has nothing to do with him, its shows how much you can love someone, try giving that love to yourself.
i m also in my moving on phase from someone i absolutely loved, i was annoyed for a year and after acceptance if rejection i cried for 5-6 months straight and now my heart is little light but not completely recovered. i clinged to him more than i should have and dragged my healing to more than it was required.
so dont go back, try exploring new things , find new activities that you can engage and indulge yourself, talk to people with similar stories, or just talk to your friends, you are a human and your body is seeking for companionship, try being there for yourself.
Hey @Friends12
Thank you for such a sincere advice
But you just said your are not completely recovered even after 5 months.
The pain of losing your love never goes away.
Also, he loves me I believe. I never played with my heart. He cares a lot.
He's been with me for 5 years. It's just that he's not ready for a commitment
@solitarysoul0306
by next year my heart will be open to someone who will love me, i know i m in alot of pain but my other option is to call and text him and let my dignity be throw out of the window, plus i wont like what i m doing so i will be anxious. if i would have left him very early i would have never been so attached, but i agreed to be friend and got more attached, at that point i couldnt think of leaving him, my brain was playing tricks with me and later the seperation was more painful and ugly
and i asked for commitment within 5 months in, commitment should be the easiest thing if he loves you.
my moral values at this point of life dont support affairs, so i m sorry, but i think you deserve someone who openly admits he loves
i will say give yourself 2 months wothout him, your brain will be less clouded and better at making judgement.No one should be attached to another human being to a point that it gives u physical discomfort, we as humans should know how to let go and when to let go. learn the art of letting go through this and when your brain is less anxious see is it really worth to live with the man who is cheating in his existing marriage and he also has more tendency to cheat you when he will get bored of you.
@Friends12
I'm not a person who can open up for anyone so easily..
I found him after spending 40 years of my life. He is the first person who touched my heart.
You're right that as human we should know how to let go and when
But I'm not that strong to easily let go the one who I love fiercely.
Two months, how would I spend two months :(😭
These two weeks I spent in so much pain. My eyes haven't stopped shedding tears a single minute.
@solitarysoul0306
i am sorry you are going through this tough situation and i can completely empathise with you.
but sorry sweetheart you have to close all the connections with him, he has cheated on his wife, he is bored and doing things he should have done for his wife, and lets say if he doesnt love his wife anymore than he should respect her enough to have that conversation, your love might be true and and fierce but you got unlucky here. you are directing your love to wrong place, wrong person. make 2 months no contact and in these two months learn something new, make new friends, exercise, journal, meditate, and if you think you need more help, try therapist. repeat to yourself that self worth is more inportant than any other feeling and after some years have passed and when he wont commit , you will feel defeated and then at that time you wont feel regret of not loving enough but how could you let a guy fool you and make you confuse b/w love and fooling around
life is not fair, and you are doing injustice to yourself by entertaining that person
@Friends12
You're absolutely right. Every word you mentioned is a bitter truth of my life
But I've tried this once two years back. To get away from him, I even travelled abroad without even telling him. I spent three weeks with my best friend to get pass him and his memories. But I wasn't able to stop thinking about him for a single minute. Even on an island. With beautiful scenes and beaches in surrounding, all I was thinking how to get him back
I failed back then. And I know I can't even do this now.
I hate myself for going back to him every time. And it damage my self-esteem even more but life is unfair! 😭
@solitarysoul0306
just because u want to get rid of pain, u cant ignore the morality of the situation you in
you have to understand that he doesnt think of you as love of his life , he kist probably sees someone who is comfortable in enabling his cheating behaviour.
i m sorry u have to endure pain and u are increasing your healing timeline by staying with him or thinking u cant do it.
you can do it, you were there before him, you will be there after him and the pain will leave your body and u will find new capabilities and a whole lot of inner strength that u think u were not capable of. seek help anywhere but him❤️🌻 sending love to you
@Friends12
Thank you so much for kind words and support
If I will be able to go through this, the feeling of love might diminish but the pain of being rejected will never go away.
This self-worthless feeling will stay with me forever and it will take away my mental peace forever like what I'm feeling right now
@solitarysoul0306 i hope you get as much as help as you can from your surrounding and your innerself, sending you as much love as i can send from here ❤️🌻🦚
Mean so much to me
Thank you 🙏
Forever is a long time. You don't know how you will feel in time. What you are feeling right now can change. "THIS TOO WILL PASS". You will have brighter days ahead. But going backwards isn't gonna change the result and how you feel overall. Therapy can be a positive way of helping us rediscover or learn for the first time what true self-worth is. Your self-worth does not come from this guy. Or any guy for that matter. But I know that self-worth can be damaged when we go through tough breakups and losses. But it doesn't mean it cannot be healed and made strong. Pursuing a man who is already in a relationship will only end in a hurtful way. And shows that if he can cheat on his wife, and for 5 years at that, then he is messed up individual that you are emotionally safer and healthier to keep as far away from as you can.
We will be with you every step of the way you deserve respect and people to comfort you in hard times
Easier said than done... but please don't go back. You owe it to yourself to have a guy who is fully committed to you. And no matter how much you can love someone, if they are still married and living with that person, then they are not a good person. He's betraying his wife. And having the best of both worlds, by having a relationship with you too. If he was committed to you, he would leave his wife, period! It's hard to focus on someone's faults, but I think it's vital to look at your situation objectively. And consider if that is really the kind a man (a term I use loosely with this guy - as real men don't behave like this) you would want in your life. You seem to know I'm your heart and mind that this isn't right you. And sometimes one way of helping us move on, is looming at what else is out there.
Whatever you're saying is right. But he is really a kind of a man I want in my life. The picture people seeing is that he's cheating on his wife and he's not sincere with me. But I know him , he's not this kind of man. He's a genuine man. He's always tried to make a balance and make me happy. God has given this tendency to men that they can be in love with multiple women at same time. It's natural for them so I don't count it as cheating.
So does his wife know he has another relationship with you? Because I guess if he's honest about that with her and yourself, then each to their own. I just know for myself I wouldn't want to share a partner. Or to have them lying to their wife/husband that they were in a relationship.
I know it can feel impossible to focus on anything but what feels like a major loss. You're grieving. I'm in a similar place myself. I am trying to find literally ANYTHING positive I can focus on. Whether it be work, meeting up with friends, movies, forcing myself out for a coffee, a walk. All these things I do while feeling absolutely terrible. I feel like the world I had been living in has come crashing down around me. And life doesn't really feel like it's worth living. Which may bencher you're at too. In which case, I'd encourage you try anything that is GOOD for YOU. I'd genuinely recommend seeking out a therapist to help support you during this time. A good therapist can be an incredible support.
Exactly. It does feel like that the world is crashing down. I've a lot of positive things in my surrounding but with grieving I can't see any positivity . My heart sinks when he's not around
Sometimes not making a choice is a choice in itself.
If this were an important person in your life going through your situation, such as a sister/friend/etc what advice would you give them?
Would you feel that they are being respected or genuinely cared about when they are treated this way.
His actions are purely self serving.
5 years is a long time to give to a relationship and the loss of that is a genuine grief response which you are experiencing so deeply right now and that’s normal. It’s a horrible situation and I’m sorry that you’re going through that. 💕
After 5 years, by that point he should accept that things are over with his marriage and respect his wife enough to end it and work on being there for his children while they are all going through this difficult process of separation. Your relationship should take a backseat to this until things are a little more settled and you can start your lives together fully.
However the truth seems to be that he’s not willing to do that. He’s not willing to change anything because he’s having his cake and eating it too.
If he valued commitment or cared deeply about his wife he wouldn’t have entered a relationship with you. This isn’t to put blame or shame on the situation - we can’t help who we fall for - but it does show you his character. If he cared so deeply for you he would give you the reassurance you need and back things up with his actions. Put simply - he would change. Sometimes people say the things we’d like to hear but don’t align their actions to this.
His lack of communication especially the last 2 weeks is a choice. He doesn’t want to change.
I hope that you’re able to have support from friends and family while you’re experiencing this grief. It can be all consuming and overwhelming so please be kind and gentle with yourself and take each day as it comes. 💕
I hope that in time you’re able to shift your perspective and see that you deserve so more than crumbs of affection and false hope.
You are so important and have such a lot to give. You deserve respect and genuine care, someone who is ready to commit and share their life with you.
Use this time to figure out some things for yourself, start a new hobby, do some things you’ve always wanted to do, put yourself first and when you’re ready, put yourself out there. Seek community and friendship, you’ll be surprised where that can lead. You can build connections in unexpected places, your past relationship has proven this is possible.
This is hard, it will take time but try focus on you and things will feel a little easier as time goes on.
✨💕
I’m in a similar situation, we dated for 5 years he finished with me and married someone else. We didn’t communicate for 6 years we became close again and went on holiday as friends, of course that wasn’t going to work and we had sex through the entire week long holiday.
Now the holidays over he’s gone back home and to his wife. My old feelings for him have naturally resurfaced and I’m heart broken
Oh my God
Even after 6 years of disconnect, you were not able to keep yourself away from him.
I'm sorry but it's a bitter truth sometimes for people like us who value love more than anything even ourselves and our well-being
@solitarysoul0306
Hii, this may sound judging, but why would he play with two lives at the same time? How could he genuinely love you when he already has kids and a wife? You know, it could be because he was bored of his marriage life so he reached out to you, why is not there a possibility that he does the same when he is bored of you? I think he already did, right? First off, if you really think of him as the 'love of your life', you should have asked about such things at the first place. If you did, that's really good, but if you did not, it was your fault in some or another way.
I am a psychologist, I never let my clients deal with "sugar-coating" stuff because sooner or later they have to face the truth, so why not at the right time and right place?
Marriage life is something more than just infatuation and love. It needs commitment, honesty, and loyalty.
@farhanR
You're right
Obviously his married life is boring that's why he got attracted to another woman
But he wasn't bored with me. I walked away from him. I sometimes get overwhelmed with all of these negative thoughts in my heart that makes me feel miserable. I ruin our relationship by constantly overthinking and overburdening myself.
He even supports me to get out of these feelings but when he goes away from commitment I feel negative again
@solitarysoul0306
The heart is often deceitful, even if you think that the feelings are genuine. You know how it's said "Listen to your heart"? Well, should you listen to it, at the cost of adultery? God forbid.
@solitarysoul0306 Hello. Once I was in a similar situation and I guess I know how vast experience of pain it is. If you are really hungry for love, attention and closeness, you treat breadcrumbs as a bread, and you cling to a hope, however illusionary and hopeless it is.
I was with a woman who was at the beginning of her divorce. You think we are together now? The short answer is: No.
As somebody here beautifully put it: a relationship is commitment, loyalty and sincerity. He is still "not ready" after 5 years?...
And what if you're just a "reserve player" for him, the one that could NEVER enter the game for real?
In my view what the guy is doing is being insencere twice: bot towards you and towards his wife and children. For a long term...
You describe yourself as "successful". But how is that about the self-esteem you truly feel?
Also, I believe being with a married man is not a full commitment from your side, too? I don't mean emotionally, but you don't have to live with him in the same room every day, you don't have to check if he likes your parents, and I believe you spend a vast majority of time separately. This is a far cry from what many people regard a "normal" relationship.
But I believe he did something really good for you: He let you go. And I believe it was the best part of his love to you, you should not waste it.
Hearing about all of the circumstances, I would concentrate on three issues:
1) Did I understand it well that you have a pattern of rejecting good men, who could give you a chance for a successful relationship?
2) Why you entered a "part-time" relationship instead? Would you be emotionally ready for a real commitment?
3) My brother is at your age, he is tall, fit, well-educated and hard-working. But all of the girls run away as soon as they learn he is living a the same flat with our mom... Do you think living with your parents is really being independent?
The good side of your past relationship is you could have experienced and learnt many things, which are good for making a connection. But how do feel about going for something much bigger now? 😊
I don't have a pattern of rejecting good men. I never felt love for anyone. He is the only man who touched my heart. He is the only man I opened up my heart to.
I'm living with my parents because I'm in a society where single girls and boys supposed to live with their parents otherwise I'm independent to own my own house and capable to live and manage live alone.
@solitarysoul0306
Thank you for explaining. Sorry, if I misunderstood you words a little.
I've read you words like "I've turned down countless boys who approached me" - and, frankly speaking, a reflection came to my mind that maybe you turned down some men, but did not turn down the one you should in the first place...
@solitarysoul0306
Dear Solitary Soul! Love.
I am married and my married life wasn't going well, during the time.. I fell in love with a married man.
We were both married and were at the same stage of our life. We became friends, then got even closer, and then we started sharing our souls. One thing, he did really make you clear that he loves his wife and his kids. What do you really think it means? It means you were never going to enter his life as a whole. Same happened with me, though I wasn't even trying to be part of his life because I too.. own a family.. and I love my kids as much as he does. And we were on the same boat. We spent good time together, going to movies, eating together.. but all for what?
And what if someone younger comes in his life? what would had happened?
Well, in my story, a younger girl entered his life who was around 25.. and the moment I heard about the girl.. I moved out of the relationship. These men just need someone to keep them engaged when they are bored.. It's been almost 4 months, I still cry. I miss him..
Please don't text him again. Please. Stay Strong!
I'm sorry for what you're going through.
But do you think even after spending 5 years with all the love and support we shared together, he would leave me for someone younger?
I don't even think like that for him. I know he's not that kind of person. His love is true I believe. But all these negative comments about him making my mind more confused.
@solitarysoul0306 It's not about how much time you spend with someone - Dear Solitary Soul. Married couples having other intimate relationships already falls in cheating. At this rate, He is cheating his family, you and himself.
We have to really open our minds to see what's going on. I read your whole story and it does reflect mine. You're not able to discuss certain feelings, and receiving reassurance from him is also a red flag. In such relationships you should be able to discuss most beautiful and ugly things with the person. And if they don't listen, avoid or give you silent treatment for your questions.. then is he actually true to you?
@straightforwardHuman4735 what is his definition of "love". How does he make you feel he loves you so much?
He cares for me in every possible way.
He keeps connected.
He gets involved in my things, even the tiniest routine life stuff, anything job related, or household stuff. he tries to be a part of everything.
He makes time for me.
He makes sure I don't feel left out, keeps me informed about his routine and share things about his schedule.
He feels if I'm upset and try everything to calm down my feelings.
He is always available whenever I need him
Despite his work, family and kids, he never excused to make time for me
He takes care of my physical and mental wellbeing ( in normal days of course)
But now he's completely disconnected
He doesn't even bother to check on me and doesn't even care about my mental well-being anymore. But right now the visiting is different. I rejected him under the influence of my negative thoughts. I walked away and he didn't reach out. It's hurting like ***
@solitarysoul0306 I completely understand.
But you did the right thing.. as you are looking for commitment.. and he is the person who cannot give you. I pray for you.. the one who is destined to be with you, love you, and marry you.. finds you soon.
We will miss them, cry for them, die for them. But we have to go through this to move ahead.
If you ever need me you can talk to me.
Love.
I badly need someone to talk to. Send me a text message so I can keep connected
You know there will be a day when you will feel like to go back to him. You will feel like i gotta ask how could he not reached out to me. And the emotions will surely take over you the heart Isn't so strong. We human are slave of emotions. But you know what, if you again go back or think of going back or he reaches & you accept it. You will go Through the same process. The same overwhelming feeling, guilt. It will become a cycle. It's better to tolerate now. I know it hurts. Nobody can understand how much it hurts except you. You gotta be strong. Its better to suffer now then later. Later it will hurt even more than now. I know what is this feeling. I know cause i am also suffering. I also want him and i know that he Isn't mine. He can't be. But i can't go back. I Don't wanna again experience the feeling that I'm feeling now. I'm trying to get over with it in one go!!! I hope you Understood what I'm trying to say. Be strong. We are women. We are bound with lots of emotions. But we can't let ourselves weak cuz of it. Please sister, i pray for you, i wish you the best. You need to love yourself more. More and more.
This is exactly what I'm going through now.
One moment I want to go back to him
The other moment I cry with a feeling of damaging my self-respect once again.
You're so strong that you're trying to go over this pain in one go.
I tried twice and failed every time. I think I'm so weak emotionally or maybe my love is too strong that's why it's so much difficult for me to let go.
He's so strong. And maybe his love for me is not as strong as mine that's why he never gets back to me. He knows already that I will 😢
Love you for sending prayers sister
I need that badly
@solitarysoul0306
Feelings are sometimes informative, not imperative. I believe there are situations when you have to act against them - to protect from suffering you and some other, innocent people - to make the sum of the evil things in this world decreased, not increased.
It seems you already know what you have to do. But I know it needs a vast amount of energy. That's why it takes a few attempts sometimes. I hope you succeed 😊
I don't really know what I have to do.
I'm unable to stay away from him but I need a permanent commitment which he will never offer
I'm completely lost. I can't even breath without him
But what if there will be no later?
I'm at the stage of life where you never know how many years you're left with.
Sometimes I think what if I'm just wasting these years and losing an opportunity to get even a little happiness of having some time with the love of my life.
Maybe I'm not destined to get it all
Maybe the Lord hasn't written a proper relationship in my fate.
Maybe this is all that I've got in life and in worries of future I'm even losing this temporary happiness
Happiness can never be permanent in life. Shouldn't I focus on present and try to amend things between us to grab a little portion of happiness that is available
@solitarysoul0306
Hi,
I have read your thread. I do understand things from your point of view. Truly speaking nothing wrong with your Emotions as you have felt him to be the right person for you but like you have said above these things.
I feel for his wife. That's why we decided to keep it secret. I don't want to hurt her as much as he doesn't. I never tried taking him away from his family. I always support him this case. It has never been an issue between us.
The problem is that my mind will be at peace with his permanent commitment and he is not convinced for it. I feel hurt because he loves me so much but he is avoiding to see my pain in this regard.
@solitarysoul0306
You deserve a love that's wholeheartedly yours. This relationship, although passionate, is inherently unbalanced. His priorities will always be his family, leaving you feeling secondary and emotionally drained.
You've been drawn to this complex relationship due to past experiences and fears. Acknowledge these patterns and consider seeking professional help to break free.
*Grieve, heal, and move forward*
Allow yourself to process the pain, but don't let it define you. Focus on self-care, rediscover your passions, and nurture your sense of self-worth.
What do you truly desire in a partner and relationship is a connection built on mutual respect, trust, and emotional availability.
Remember, you are enough
Your worth isn't tied to this relationship. You are strong, independent, and deserving of love that uplifts and fulfills you.
*You got this!*
Be patient, kind, and gentle with yourself. You will emerge stronger, wiser, and ready for a love that truly nourishes your soul.