Lonely and frustrated
Hi I’m new here. I thought I had already created a thread but I couldn’t find it so I’m writing again.
I’m 45 and i recently gave birth to my baby who is now 4 months old. My marriage is breaking down after birth. My husband doesn’t work but he also doesn’t want to help out much with the baby. He loves her but he thinks it’s degrading to look after baby at home. I work online from home and look after her at the same time. Sometimes it gets too much for me and I cry a lot. I have no support to go to and feel lonely even though I have a baby with me.
meanwhile my husband is enjoying his time hanging out with the neighbours and going out to meet friends. Since he didn’t work, he gets his finances from me. I’m starting to resent this after the birth of my child.
i tried talking to him but it ends up in heated quarrels that is not resolved. I just need to vent my frustration and see a few supportive comments.
Hello patientTree, I’m so sorry to hear about your situation right now. I don’t normally comment here, but I want you to know you most definitely deserve support after all you’re going through. Working and taking care of your baby at the same time sounds very challenging, especially after the overwhelming experience that childbirth can be. That would be such a lot for anyone to handle - I can only imagine - and I’m really glad that you’re reaching out for support even just to vent. You have all my sympathies and I’m hoping you can find some relief soon. 💛
I wish you had some help to ease the burden of responsibilities, even though it seems your husband has been up to now unwilling. I understand how resentment could come up in that situation. How does that conversation about sharing some of the caretaking tasks normally start? I see you mentioned it ends in quarrels and doesn’t get resolved into changes that you want.
I hope some others will chime in with some support for you too.
@patientTree4231
Hello , It's very sad to hear how's your life been going and how you are going through all this stress and anxiety . I read that you are working alone to provide needs for the family which is a very bold move and I really respect your hardwork.
I empathize with you on that your husband doesn't care about your work , which makes me feel sad and somewhat angry but at the Sametime It should motivate you to work and earn money and prove that a single woman can change the lives of her family. I would like to know more about your problems so as to you can become comfortable and talk about it.
More power to you and will be waiting for your energetic comeback from this phase of life.
Thank you so much for your kind words. Yes, working to provide for myself and my child is now a motivator for me. But it gets so hard too when she’s not cooperating. I could hardly be mad with her! And I worry if I am able to hang on to my work.
Today I have lost my mood to even function and eat. But my work to the company and my baby continues.
I’m sorry things have been difficult for you and you’re finding it hard looking after your baby on your own.
It’s fair to feel resentful, you likely feel that you are doing everything and being taken advantage of by your husband.
does he just choose not to work?
Would you consider leaving him?
Thank You for your kind words.
TBH he’s just choosy about the jobs he wants to do. He doesn’t want to be employed by someone but rather be his own boss with whatever skills he have ie cooking or repairs or driving . Unfortunately all of his ventures failed (with the money I gave him to start his small business). Since the birth of baby, I have told him strictly that I cannot entertain his whims and fancies monetarily any longer. And the breakdown of our marriage started.
yes I do consider sometimes to leave him but
1: I’m afraid to be alone
2: I don’t want my baby to be without a father figure
so I would rather hang on and hope the situation change rather than leaving him. But it’s still a possibility.
@patientTree4231 is he being a father figure tho ? ..
Haha you’re correct, he’s not really there. But in most parts of India, a father figure is a man in the house, not necessarily being hands-on.
I’m a foreigner who came here after marrying him so yes, to me, a father figure is someone who is hands-on interacting actively and taking care of baby.
there’s a huge culture gap between us. My story could be a book deterring others on marrying cross-culture lol
@patientTree4231
Is he the father figure you want your baby to have?
He needs to get over himself. The fact that he is "above" certain jobs shows just how much growing up he needs to do. He is a boy not a man.
I would explain to him that acts of true love are painful and requires him to swallow his obvious false pride. If he loves you. If he loves this child... He would do ANYTHING.
He needs to read this thread and understand he is not being a good person or a good father or a good partner to you.
😢
@patientTree4231
@TryToOvercomeProblems
Then again, all relationships are ongoing negotiations. Nothing ever stays static, and as time goes on we grow, we change, and we re-discover ourselves and others. The hardest part of any relationship isn't just getting to know each-other, its growing together. It sounds to me like there is some growing going on at both ends.
This is definitely a matter for ongoing discussion, and the more you speak about it the greater chance of any progress. Its when communication ends or becomes difficult that we have to really evaluate how consensual and mutual a relationship really is.
Much love and respect for all you're doing. You're a real rock star, PT.
thank you for your sharing words of wisdom. My neighbours say the same too that instead of giving up, communication and patience is the key to long married lives and my neighbours are all grandmas who have been married more than 20 years and seem contented. I was able to gather my courage and share with them after I received encouraging words here. They had already seen the ongoings for a while now and it felt good to have the elderly share their experiences with me.
@patientTree4231
Ah yeah, I'm certain the situation is far more detailed than any of us know. Barring the details, you sound determined and have a sound mind to go with the willpower you display; this combination means you're going doing to do amazing things. If there is to be a happy ending here, I bet you'll find a way to make it be.
Hi am ab.
I dont know in this situation what comments can be supportive beacuse i have never face this situation in my life but i have some thoughts to share.
This is challenging and painfull situation😔.
Find the right and safe support.
In this chage You need to do your work which you doing online work and save your money ( im sorry to say that but this is important for you need the money and dont gave to other becuse your husbund is spending money to enjoy. this money is very important for you) from your husbund also . First focus on fulfill the needs of you and your kids.
This time your kids have only your support, you need to care yourself and your kids.
Your health is important to you and your baby 👶
I heard from my childhood, Mother can do anything for her baby.
You can face this situation and when you face it you will learn, grow and become much stroger and capable than before.
All the best👍. I pray for you and your family, courage to change the thing that you can 🙏
After reading your main post and replies. I am heartbroken for you.
Ultimately it is your choice with deciding the best path to take from here. Relationships should be about helping each other out, finding a middle ground, and from the sounds of things you are functioning without the need for husband-of-the-year!
You are the bread winner.
You are the sole care-taker of you and your baby.
And with that I am so, SO convinced that you and your beautiful baby are the only people you need in your life right now.
An absent father, is not a father figure you need for your baby. I can see you know that all to be true already!
I hope you find the strength and the resources you need, whether that's couples counselling to help find that balance to save your marriage (and your daughter's future relationship with her father).
Or eventually leading a life with just you and your daughter in it, with the potential of finding a partner more deserving of your time.
Keeping you in my thoughts!
P.s that "all things wrong" list has worked wonders for me when I've struggled to move on from relationships in the past. I hope it serves you well too.
Thank you for your thoughtfulness !
most of what you said resonates true with me.
however I’m at an age where I should be retiring soon and enjoying old age. Instead I find myself in this predicament. My age factor is also a main reason to want to try and hang in in there until it is impossible to do so. I will give it my all for the sake of my baby girl; so she need not grow in a ‘broken’ family.
for my sanity, this app is already starting to make sense. Even if my situation hasn’t changed, sharing and venting it out has helped me loads today and I’m thankful for all the kind words and sharing from all of you!
and yes, the “all things wrong” list will be my saviour if I do end up leaving him!
I'm so so sorry about what you're going through. Having a child isn't easy esp not taking care of one. I would suggest you gently but firmly tell him this is all too much and if for some reason he's too occupied to help with the baby then get you a maid. If this still doesn't work then try marriage counseling.
Yes I have asked him to arrange for a helper in the house esp in the hours that I work on my laptop but it hasn’t been easy to secure someone in our area. People don’t babysit in our house for a fee, they expect us to drop off the baby in theirs. And I have a lot of personal childhood trauma to do that to my baby; I don’t trust people enough to drop off a 4 month old with them for hours. I just can’t do it 😰
so far I’ve been managing my 1st month back to work after maternity and I’m thinking it should only get better right? Not worse? Crossing my fingers 🤞🏼
First, congratulations on your baby girl! You are going through a lot right now. First a new baby, work, changes in your sleep patterns and hormone levels. That’s a lot for anyone to deal with. Do you have any family near by? Why isn’t your husband working? I know my husband didn’t help with our girls at all. But he had a job. You have 2 jobs, mother and breadwinner. I hope he begins to support you. Lots of 💕
thank you 🫰🏼
He lost his job during the pandemic and hasn’t got any since then.
I’ve been supporting us all along and I had no issue with that till recently after giving birth because a lot of expenses went into delivery. I just wish he understood.
unfortunately my family is in my home country. I married into another country so we’re 4 hours apart by flight. Life would be easier if they were nearby. 😪
@patientTree4231 I'm sorry you're going through that. Hope the kiddo is happy and healthy, that's amazing to fit one in at 45. But that's damn hard, when we're being sidelined by our hubby, and things get heated. Enough pressure as is looking after the tyke.
