Getting a divorce after 12 years

It has been nearly 5 weeks since my soon-to-be ex mentioned divorce.

Yesterday, I was able to become the sole renter of the apartment so I am glad I will have a roof over my head and it is a familiar place for me, the apartment I have lived in for 8 years now.

But the visit to the management company was not optimal. I had arrived there first and my soon-to-be ex came in, I was feeling all kinds of emotions and confused. He went to go get some coffee for himself first (free coffee in the waiting room!), and when he sat next to me, I just had to move away from him. When we were called, I tried to be calm and friendly not wanting to expose drama and distress to a total stranger. But after the meeting, I just had to leave as soon as possible. I left without saying good-bye to him or anything (I am patting myself on the back for saying thank you to the personnel). I couldn't believe all of everything what was happening, I couldn't believe how okay my soon-to-be ex was with all this. Everything hurt and I was angry.

I believe I am at the "anger phase" now and it is not good.

I have been angry most of my life in Sweden. My reaction to everything different was anger.

I am tired of being angry.

So one take away from this divorcing process is that I am feeling guilty when I express my anger and the excuse is "I need to vent". Now I feel guilt when I am angry. I hope that changes the course of how I react to things from now on.

I am also trying to be not so hard on myself. Afterall, of the 124 months I have been with my soon-to-be ex, of all the months I thought I was going to be with him for the rest of my life, it has only been one month to process the divorce and I feel like everything is going so quickly. It was just over a month ago I was talking about "my husband" and thought I was in a marriage.

On the positive side,

- my supervisor for my BA thesis seems to be a really nice person so I am relieved and thankful for that

(Although, I have only been able to focus about an hour each on it...today is Friday and I will try and do something more. I think I've spent more hours looking and applying for jobs...)

- my three cavities are all fixed now

- I have been to two job interviews so that is better than nothing. I will try and not be too bummed even if I don't get them. As long as I have a roof over my head and continue applying, I am doing my best. My goal is to find a job until September. On another positive note, if I don't find a job, I can focus more time working on my thesis.

I should have written here 2 hours ago at 3 a.m. when I couldn't sleep..it is 5 a.m. now and just writing here I can feel a weight off my shoulders.

More good notes:

- The pang in my chest is not as often as 2 weeks ago when it felt like it was always there or the pang came often.

- I am able to fall asleep on the couch again. I was not able to do so the first 2 weeks. So I think I am definitely more relaxed. Although, after yesterday at the management company I am feeling a little tensed up again.

- I have met up with my friends more often than ever since I have lived in Sweden during this Easter week and I am so thankful they are so nice, considerate with a warm and big heart. They are all trying to help me in their on way.

I really wanted to end this post on a positive note, but I think I want to "vent" something...So, if you are not up for negativity now, I suggest you close this thread right now and is really unnecessary.

I know life is unfair and you cannot change people's feelings. My soon-to-be ex is especially a stubborn one.

I just wanted to remind whoever is reading this know that I am angry at myself for being so dense about everything. One of my friends even mentioned that we hadn't gotten together for over a year, and I had no idea...to me it felt like several months. My denseness is being highlighted in this divorce process but I am extremely lucky to have friends who understands my needs and what I am not good at.

Anyways, what I wanted to vent about was not me, I just wanted to let people know that I understand completely that I have my ugly faults and I am nowhere near hinting that this is all my soon-to-be ex to blame. But this is something I feel angry and sad about. It is one of the reasons why I was studying for nearly a decade and trying to grab that future with my soon-to-be ex before he wanted out of this.

I'm still not sure if I should write this, but I feel like I need to let it out. I hope I don't regret it.

He had been comparing us with two other couples and had expressed unsatsifaction that we were not like that. He brings up a couple that had taken turns studying and working so they both finished their education. My studying did not finish in 3-4 years as planned, it took 8 years instead (I'm giving myself a one-year break here because I was working for about a year as a substitute teacher at some point). And it was too long. Actually, now I am rereading this I can't recall what point he had wanted to make with this "taking turns working and studying couple" in the first place.

When I could not finish my education in one-go, he had started to study too so I would like to think that all was not in vain. Now, he has a Master's while I am barely getting my BA.

He was also expressing unsatsifaction that I was not working, while another friend of ours was working and studying at the same time. (He had also studied and worked at the same time too.) The first few years, I was afraid of working in a country where I did not understand what people are saying. I imagined myself being yelled at and not understanding what the other person was saying. I did not expect the push to work so soon so I was shocked and the pushing to work also made me defensive. The later years, after failing a course, I could not imagine working and studying at the same time. I thought it was better to prioritize my studying for my dream. I thought, as long as we have a roof over our heads, it is okay. My logic and justification was, if we are not having or even trying to have kids, at least I can accomplish my dream of becoming a teacher. I thought studying ten years would be worth the twenty something years I would be working as a teacher. But I understand that that is just me. I understand I had put my soon-to-be ex in a tough situation where he didn't want to be, and in a situation where we both felt stuck. My logic was, the circumstance sucks now, but after I get a job, we will continue with our lives and talk to people how much my husband supported me and how I am forever grateful to him. This, is still the truth. He has been supportive of me, even through this divorce process and I am forever grateful to him for letting me continue with my education even when he just wanted me to get a job.

I digress, the point I wanted to make was that he compared our situation with other couples where both of them are from Sweden. The first few years in Sweden, I complained that he did not look after me whenever we went to a socializing event. He just left me alone. Yesterday he mentioned "babysitting". I mentioned at the Swedish language gathering I go to weekly now, there are two couples who brought their Swedish significant others and they don't seem to think it's "babysitting". One explains to his partner what is being said in Swedish, and another was there to support her partner while she gave a presentation about her country. I remember in one of the socializing events, it was my sister- and mother-in-law that came up to me when I was all alone.

I digress again. I am so sorry everything is bubbling up again. But I don't know if it's for the better or not so I am just going to spill everything that comes to mind and see how I feel.

The point I wanted to make was, I was okay with not having or even trying to have kids because I thought I had my soon-to-be ex. I never brought up other couples who had children which is most of the couples we know at this time in our lives. I had never said "They have kids." And I am feeling resentment because he had brought up these two specific cases, one couple who took turns working and studying and another person who studied and worked at the same time who are all in different circumstances to begin with than me (me moving to Sweden at the age of 33 versus people who grew up in Sweden). It is something I noticed yesterday so it is still fresh in my emotions.

Anyways, I got angry and then when I went to bed, I felt guilty.

I am still adjusting to this new reality that's been splashed in my face.

Yes, plenty of people survive heartbreaks and even more without complaing as much as I am.

I am in a cycle of anger and guilt.

I hope to focus on my thesis and rely on my friends to get through this.

Maybe next week will be different again.

Whoever read this far, thank you so much for your time.

I thought I would feel guilt and delete all this, but I am actually feeling calmer and sleepy. It is 6:22 now so I might chill a bit before I get out of bed and enjoy the bit of calmness achieved through this writing.

I am aiming for constructive venting.

@sunnyBunny8240 I pray that you and your family recover from this and God helps you and guides you same for your husband . Amen. I love you God and Jesus. Amen.

@sunnyBunny8240 I am not a problem on giving advice to others especially when my own life is so messed up. But maybe you are devastated because your world(your husband), where you find belongingness is slipping away from your fingers. It's actually normal, as he is also a human being and may have different viewpoints and belongingness in this world, so you should not resent him much as he leaves you, resenting him will only make you remember him, and suffer from it.

In my opinion you should find a new belongingness, with your closed ones, may them be your parents, siblings, closed friends, workplace or your children.

I am also here to find people who will listen me in my bad times, and I hope this opinion of mine will be of some help to you, even a little.

It is almost 6 weeks since my soon-to-be ex said he wanted a divorce.

So this is how time goes by...

I got a one-month fulltime subbing job and I am on my third day. It is exhausting but I think it is great because it gives me distraction.

I found out last Thursday that I will be able to continue living in the apartment where I have lived for the past 8 years so I am relieved.

Now I am juggling, a fulltime job, still on the initial stage of my BA thesis (due May 20th) and looking for a job from next school year. Apparently the job ads for next school year is coming out during April and May. Unfortunately, there is not much for teachers who are only qualified to teach English...

I am finding out that sleep really affects my mood so when I have trouble sleeping and I do not feel well during the day, I try to remind myself that it is because I did not sleep well the night before.

Going to a new school, I got to tell a couple of curious students who asked me if I was married so I answered, "on-going divorce". When a student asked me if I have a husband in front of the whole class I answered "no". I avoid the staffroom and the teacher's office. I challenge myself to go to the school cafeteria. First day, I did not need to talk to anybody, Second day, weirdly enough, I sat with someone from New York who also experienced divorce but it sounded like he left his wife too. He had a great vibe about him which the students enjoyed, like a grandpa in school. I think that is why I couldn't help but cry when I told him about the divorce. I made sure to tell him that my scar is still new and raw. The third day, today, I was asked why I came to Sweden and I was able to answer "Because of my soon-to-be ex-husband" and I did not cry.

So this is how time goes by...

I feel quite empty, or rather numb because I am overwhelmed.

I am subbing for Social Studies and Swedish (??) and I am not comfortable just giving students instructions so I end up reading up on what the students are doing and planning an activity or two which takes up time. However, I need to make my BA thesis a priority so I can apply for jobs as a licensed teacher at least.

April and May are apparently the prime time to apply for jobs for the coming school year after summer. Unfortunately I do not see many, if any, demand for teachers who are only qualified to teach English. I am making Wednesdays and Saturdays the days to apply for jobs and as today is Wednesday I am feeling a little devastated again by the prospect of my future.

I cannot help but notice my soon-to-be ex, comfortable on the couch with his stable job, chilling, watching Twitch or sports on TV...

But I hope to juggle everything.

Priority No. 1 is sleep.

Priority No. 2 is taking care of myself, taking a shower and brushing my teeth.

Priority No. 3 applying for jobs (Wednesdays and Saturdays)

Priority No. 4 one-month subbing. I'm thinking if I organize the lessons now I will have more time to focus on my thesis in the long run.

Priority No. 5 Work on my BA thesis.

I hope to switch my priorities between no. 4 and 5 as soon as I have a lesson plan going.

The teacher from New York suggested I try to be friends with my ex. I'm not sure if he mentioned that becuase he thought I have children...I hope I bump into him again so I can ask.

Mind you, my hopeful delusions do appear daily. Not as often as before. I have learned to soothe myself when I wake up in fear.

I have to admit, as much as being at school as a subteacher is great fun, I have never felt so empty.

I hope I sleep well so I feel better tomorrow.

Thank you.

That's so sad but u are really a gem of a person, coz u understood the secret of relationship " loving a person is also heartfully accepting their decisions " you took the issue so sportive , kudos to you

Love

Youroldsport

Dearest SunnyBunny

You deserve happiness too ❤️ so take your own time, do anything that makes you happy…

It has been 7 weeks...wow it will almost be 2 months since my soon-to-be ex told me he wants a divorce.

Time does help. I am in a much butter place now compared to where I was last week, the week before...three weeks ago...

About after a month since my soon-to-be ex mentioned divorce, I ordered a stuffed toy that I have always wanted, and in during one of the nights I had trouble sleeping, I just clicked on it.

And it arrived this week🙌

I sent this picture to my friends and here, I will call him/her Momo.

I introduced Momo as "my new partner".

I wanted Momo several years ago because it is supposed to help with my posture when sitting at the desk. It does not work as intended unfortunately. It is too small to help with my posture.

But, Momo is perfect for me to keep me company, talk to, cuddle, kiss and sleep with.

I have slept better with Momo and my mood is a lot better too.

Maybe I just needed something to love.

I am able to play apps on my phone again and watch YouTube videos about boardgames. I am feeling more "normal" now.

I do not enjoy anything with a story since there will always be something about "love". My soon-to-be ex put a few shows on TV the past several weeks and I have no idea how he could watch a story with a love story or a sex scene. We are in total different mindsets.

I even went to watch a rerun of "Starship Troopers" with a friend and I did not enjoy it because of the story including a romantic relationship.

But I am not going to push myself. I have games without romantic relationships (Red Dead Redemptions 2 anyone? Although I won't be able to play it for a while with the the thesis writing...), and boardgame YouTube videos that focuses only on boardgames to keep my company. I am thankful.

It is about 43 days until the date I think he is moving out. The number of days scare. That is a little more than a month. I cannot believe we are going to live our lives separately but I am trying to get my mind used to it by imaginging what it is going to be like. I try to remember the years I have lived alone during my twenties and I enjoyed the freedom. It is not my first time and I should be fine. Although that was in a country I grew up in and here I still have difficulty with the language, let alone a job (!!!), there are plenty of other immigrants in Sweden who are making it without being fluent in the language.

I am doing my best, not pushing too hard to keep my sanity, and that should be enough for now.

Two weeks and a little more left on my subbing job where I continue to answer, "no husband" to students when they ask. Today a student asked why I don't have a partner. I answered "I don't know." These students have no idea how much they are helping me forget my identity I've grown to love so much as someone's partner, to this new identity I am still trying to get used to. These students who answer nosey questions are the reason why my chest feels lighter and I cannot be thankful enough for the situation I am in.

I am happy to make some positive updates. I am trying to make updates once a week and not more often so I can learn to live with my emotions without having to go around vomitting them all the time. I accept the emotions I am feeling and I know I can live with them peacefully.

Thank you.

Just a heads-up and anyone who has been in a similar situation:

I had trouble uploading the app and website this morning.

I usually start my day with the Paths on this website so I was in a slight panic.

I tried checking if the site was down, it wasn't. I tried without the wifi, it made no difference from my cell reception either. It was the same from my laptop and PC. It was forever trying to upload the info from my account.

The good news is, I tried from a different browser and I was able to start my day 90 minutes later than usual.

@sunnyBunny8240

You wanted to enter this relationship in an open and honest manner. You are not certain what your husband's motivation is right now, but you are willing to discuss this.

@sunnyBunny8240

Sorry to hear of your upset. It isnt your fault that this has happened. It is about him and what he wants for himself. It is not a reflection on you.