Getting a divorce after 12 years
On Saturday, March 2 my soon-to-be ex-husband mustered up his
courage to tell me he wanted a divorce.
I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him.
I thought the worst thing that could happen was him dying on me.
I never anticipated this.
He is not happy with me and he had endured and tolerated me for more than several years. He is very tired, and wants his own life alone. I am not resentful of him. He is a kind, smart person who deserves happiness. I am not giving him any.
I am devasted but trying to take in day by day, step by step.
I would really like some words of encouragement.
Thank you.
I am truly sorry. It seems like when we know someone I guess we really don’t. I just found out that my boyfriend of over two years cheated on me while we were together. Please just take it day by day and my prayers will be with you.
@JoyfulSoul3550
I'm sorry to hear that your boyfriend cheated on you...that is a whole other struggle, sadness, emotions of sorts right there.
I am learning to live with the fact that the pain comes from because I still have strong feelings for him and that it's okay. These feelings do not disappear so easily but it will slowly fade away.
I remind myself that I am just doing fine otherwise.
Thank you for kind words. It helps me a lot!
I'm so deeply sorry you experienced this. I myself am consumed with pain and grief over being cheated on.
Are you still with him?
@sunnyBunny8240
Another update.
I might have been a little too optimistic about how I would take the separation.
This morning I wrote my email address on a form so I will be the sole renter of the apartment. My soon-to-be ex had filled out the rest. It almost felt like he was testing me to see if I can really take it.
I just cried and cried after he left for work. I am yet again devastated, at a loss, everything feels empty and pitch dark. My emotional side is hurting so much. I have talked to other people and other people I going through worse, horrible ordeals in their lives. My matter is so small compared to theirs. If everything is all relative, this is proof that my life had been easy.
Again, writing here helps.
Thank you.
If there are any tips on how to get through this panic like emotions and,
how to get through these waves of optimism followed by devestation and despair I would really like them, please, thank you.
So far, I've been whispering my wishes and "I will be okay" ten times. It helps. What about when I'm in public. I am writing this now on a bus and it is helping.
Thank you.
@sunnyBunny8240
I can put my hands in my pocket and repeat slowly "I can live alone. I will be okay. I am in a safe place"
@sunnyBunny8240
I have talked to a friend and talked to my soon-to-be ex.
I am lucky to have such patient people in my life.
The whirlwind of panicky emotions, I take it as my emotional side grasping for its last breath of hope.
I hope tomorrow, my emotional side will accept the reality a little bit better.
I have come up with new sentences to tell myself 10 times each.
"He's not in love with me.
He doesn't love me.
He doesn't want to live with me.
He doesn't want to be with me.
He wants out.
I am going to live alone and be okay.
I will live alone and be okay.
I am in a safe place."
So, my friend who has gone through a lot worse says it will be a few months of this emotional roller coaster.
How are your roller coaster rides?
Do you do anything to help you get through them?
Any ideas? Tips?
I am looking forward to seeing how it would be like, once he moves out.
I have a feeling I am really going to be needing those tips!
@sunnyBunny8240 honestly just like a roller coaster even when things are upside down, going fast, maybe your sick or there's a sudden drop off.....you just gotta ride it out.
I highly doubt you will but please don't fall into substance abuse, or into something toxic like a rebound relationship. that's making the roller coaster stop, go backwards and you gotta ride out the roller coaster detour. just don't fall into anything "bad" yk? keep the path.
@EmmyMarie06
Hello, thank you for the reply and your kind words.
I am allergic to alcohol and sensitive to meds so for the better or worse I really cannot "fall into" something. I just have to power through.
I was reading what I wrote just 3 days ago...it seems so long ago.
I have a new chant now.
"We are not together. It is over. It ended. It's done."
I repeated this chant for two days and I think my emotional side is starting to take it in.
I also spoke with my parents for the first time after my soon-to-be ex told his wish for a divorce, and even though I haven't mentioned anything, the absence of my soon-to-be ex from the call was felt and my mother probably sensed something and she finished our conversation with "Life brings good things and bad things."
The next roller coaster fall will be when my soon-to-be ex moves out and I will be left all alone in the apartment. I will just have to ride it through, like you said.
Again, thank you for the reply.
I am so glad I found this website.
I am thinking about telling my parents after I am finished with my BA thesis and my soon-to-be ex has moved out, whichever comes first or after both. I think it's best to tell them what had already happened rather than updating every little detail.
@sunnyBunny8240 I cant really tell you what to do, I'm 17 for crying out loud and your the adult here, you also know your relationship with you parents far better than I do, but even though I get it can be scary, I think talking to them now about it might do you some good. not only do I think it could offer you some support by those who you know and love you, but I get the feeling that your relationship with your parents may not be super strong right now. forgive me if I'm wrong but the way you typed it came off as that. so I'm going to assume that. I think that talking to them could also help the deteriorated relationship re-form and bring you closer to them. like I said, only you know what's best for you but be open to this maybe? your parents are probably wise people and could direct you better than anyone on here could because they know you. :)
@EmmyMarie06
I believe as an adult, it is not my job to worry my parents unnecessarily. Rather, it is my responsibility that I keep their worries to a minimum as possible. They don't need to know the minute struggles I am going through with my soon-to-be ex. I tell them that we have gotten a divorce (after we officially do), and they see that I am okay (somewhat). They know immediately that I survived the hardest part and that I am (hopefully) doing better when I tell them.
Also, my parents would be heart broken too that I'm divorced. I feel guilty causing that pain for them. It is a little bit scary now knowing how they would react, but talking to them yesterday, especially my mom, she knew something not good was up and try to give me encouraging words. And that is enough for me now.
Today was another day where I found out how inevitable divorce is going to be. I am happy that I found this place where I can discuss my thoughts and what I am going through. So I thank you for interacting with me and giving me your thoughts on the same situation because everything seems to be in my head so I really need that outside input. Thank you so much.
@sunnyBunny8240 sorry ive been horribly inactive. lifes gotten too busy for my taste LOL. but anyways like i said: you understand your relationship with your parents better than i do, so your more validated to make a decision like this. i do wish you well when you break them the news though. how are things currently? because of my inactivity i need an update lol
Thank you for asking for an update!
I was able to become the sole renter of the current apartment we both have lived for 8 years. I will be the sole renter from May.
But because of the scare of the possibility of having to find a new apartment in my currently unemployed/student state, I was looking for a part time job I can do while I work on my BA thesis.
Instead, I found a one-month fulltime subbing job until May 8th. I am worried how much time this is going to take away from my thesis (due May 20th) but it is turning out to be a great distraction from my soon-to-be ex. This is my first week so three more weeks to go.
Because I am meeting new people and students, I am getting questions.
Monday: Two girls simply asked if I am married so I answered honestly, "Ongoing divorce"
Tuesday: I ended up crying in front of a sweet older man who also experienced leaving his wife. I sat with him in the school cafeteria during lunch.
Wednesday/yesterday: A student asked in front of the whole class if I have a husband so I answered "no".
I also sat with an older home ec teacher to whom I got the chance to use "my soon-to-be ex-husband" when she asked why I am in Sweden.
Me introducing to myself to a few people is working on my brain. I am not ready to go to the staffroom or the teachers' office where I might be in a situation explaining myself to multiple people at once.
Just an hour ago, I am starting to think "Maybe it is okay I have a silent crush on my soon-to-be ex". It is so difficult to stop having feelings for him and it has been heartbreaking so I hope this will make things easier while I still live with him. It is about 50 more days to go.
There were a few numb days where I was going to job interviews and being unsure about my living situation, and this week has been numbing too, having to answer questions a few times and going home seeing my soon-to-be ex trying to lighten up the mood.
But after having this "secret crush" idea, it feels like things might be easier. One of my identity now is "the wife who has a crush on her soon-to-be ex that can't wait to be free from her but feeling guilty for feeling so at the same time".
Thank you so much for remembering.
@sunnyBunny8240 sending you a big hug. remember that you are worthy of love and deserve happiness. remember that the love you two shared was real and that is something to be proud of always. the love will always be there in different ways.
@wildstar1437
Thank you for your kind words. Today was the day where I saw the relationship differently. But this is because of the anger I am starting to feel towards him now. I will try to be positive and remember all the positive things about the relationship. I love that we are both brutally honest people. Also stubborn. I don't know why we're breaking up we are such a good match. But oh well!
Again, thank you for the big hug! I needed it!
@sunnyBunny8240 My Friend, I know you are hurting, and will continue to hurt for some time yet. Eventually, you will be able to look back with wistful remembrance at the times that the two of you shared, but without the pain.
It is natural to feel angry, anger, in times of emotional turmoil, however.... Anger is not a stand alone emotion. Anger is like the brown of the emotional spectrum in that you cant make it without the primary colours being there first.
When you are feeling angry, it can help to ask yourself what are the feelings that you are experiencing that your anger is trying to disguise? My own experience suggests that dealing with "the anger" is like putting a Get Well Soon sticker on a broken leg. It might look better on the surface, but we aren't working on the healing.
I know that someone touched on it before, however I would also like to acknowledge the grief and loss you are experiencing. Not just the changes that you are navigating at the moment, but the loss of your dreams and hopes for the future with this person that now need to be set aside and loved and appreciated, while understanding that your path is no longer leading you there.
Remember though, that you get to forge your new path, and it can take you anywhere your heart desires. In time, you will see the view in the distance again and find your way, but for now, it's perfectly fine to slow your pace and find your feet again. In the mean time, we are here. Invite us to sit with you and we will, to share space with you, we are here, and when you are ready to walk your path again, we will offer you the hand up.
You are a spectacular person. Know that you are loved.
Am sorry about the challenges your are going through. You are strong and brave to be sharing and talking about your challenges. You just need to stay positive and focus on making you better and happy. Know this the darker the night the brighter your light will shine, so you will get through this. ❤️
Thank you for your kind words.
I usually just scroll to the end of the thread for replies so I was puzzled when I didn't see any even though I've gotten notifications.
Now I know. Thank you.
Focusing on myself is the advice I am reading everywhere and I needed to see it everywhere because it seems like I haven't thought about much. Only after seeing it a bunch of times (I think people tend to forget when they are in their dark moments too), did I start to think about it and become more conscious about what it means to "take care of myself" or your more positive words were "focus on making you better and happy".
Thank you so much😊
@wildstar1437
Thank you for your kind words.
I think it's going to take some time for me to address my relationship with him in the past.
But it is good to know that I can think positively about it in the future when I am ready.
I mean, I am ready but my emotional side is still strong at the moment.
Again, I thank you for your supportive words.
They really help me get through this time.
It is going to be almost 4 weeks since my soon-to-be ex told me he wanted a divorce.
It still hurts and my heart aches.
I am replying to this thread again because I am feeling emotional again now.
I am trying to be fine with me being emotional and use an outlet to express my emotions and thoughts.
I am grateful that a place like this exists.
I usually wake up in the middle of the night with the feeling I am going through over March 2nd again.
Last night, for the first time, I woke up feeling fear for the future.
The company that owns the apartment is going to meet us next Thursday, a week from now to see if I am eligible to continue to live here. I am unemployed and has been economically depedent on my soon-to-be ex.
I remember him saying that I can live here as long as I want as long the savings last, but now I am worried and scared not knowing what's going to happen if I won't be able to continue living here.
He mentioned a rental basement of his colleague's sister. I don't know.
It is no use thinking about it until next Thursday so I will try to remind myself that and keep making to-do lists for me to check off. The thought is a little dizzying. It makes me want to close my eyes and fade away until Thursday but I am squeezing my strength not to do it. As someone here mentioned, I need myself more than ever now.
Easter Break is coming in my area and I had totally forgot that my soon-to-be ex will have a week long break. I thought it was going to be a 4-day long weekend. I am hoping to go hiking or take a walk somewhere with him on one of the days.
I think it is good that my mind is starting to focus on the practical things rather than the thought of having lost him and having wishful thoughts. I am glad my soon-to-be ex is still around to stop and shoot down my delusional, wishful, hopeful thinking. Makes me sadder that I am losing him.
Schooling situation could be better too. My deadline for my BA thesis is May 20th and I still haven't heard from my supervisor. I reached out to other people who have the same supervisor if they have heard from her so I am waiting. If I don't hear anything I am planning on contacting the person in charge of the course.
I have a dentist appointment today, and going to a gathering at a library. The to-do list really helps.
And being able to have a place like this where I can organize my thoughts helps.
I also "talk to" Chat GPT and Noni here on this 7cups website.
I am grateful to be alive with all these outlets.
I am also thinking I need to cool down a bit and have a fixed schedule to write my thoughts.
But it really helps when I feel like I am going to have a burst of emotions and go crazy like now.
Writing now keeps me sane and calm.
Thank you very much.
@sunnyBunny8240 I don't know your story, but maybe don't put yourself down now. We are here for you, to try and elevate you, but the voice in your head is louder. Perhaps ask it to be nicer. I'm trying to learn that myself. The voice in my head is an abusive drill instructor from the hood. I hope that this next chapter of your life will eventually bring you some light.
@angelrtalk
Thank you so much. Chat GPT is always telling me to be compassionate towards myself too.
After yesterday's panicky feeling, I am feeling a little bit better and positive this morning.
I was able to recieve contact from my BA thesis supervisor and I am meeting her next week after the Easter weekend. One relief for me.
I am going to the dentist next Thursday, before meeting up with the apartment managing company, and it is going to cost about $600 (ouch, indeed). I have three cavities. I am one of those people who always has a cavity every time I have my annual check up. So two things will be happening next Thursday. My three cavities will hopefully be fixed, and I will know more about my living situation.
Until then, I am going to focus on doing whatever I can for my thesis.
Sorry for the ramble.
I am sorry to hear that you have an abusive drill instructor for the hood in your head. Try putting him in a dress or a clown costume with Mickey hands. I hope he will lighten up a bit.
Thank you for your kind words.
@sunnyBunny8240 I've been changing the voice in my head. I catch myself being abusive, I say no, stop, and then reword it. Usually along the lines of, "You made a mistake, it's okay, you will keep doing better." Or something hippy and gentle like that.
I read that if we do it often enough times, we rewire our brains. So instead of being mean and abusive, I am working on being kinder to myself. It different, but I keep catching myself, and hey, it can't be a bad thing right?
@angelrtalk
I am going through a very similar path as yours right now but with my to-do lists.
I realized that I hated it when I messed up my to-do lists even just a little bit.
But with the strategy you mentioned, I am having a better grasp of reality where I am okay if I am 10-20 minutes later than scheduled. It is better than doing nothing, I tell myself. It is no reason to give up on the whole list.
I am more kind to myself if I don't finish my to-do lists either.
You are absolutely right about me in your first reply.
I was strict on myself, and I never realized I would never put the same pressure on anyone else. So I am learning to give myself the same reasonable break I would give to anyone else. It is strange it took me decades to realize I have this unrealistic expectation on myself but I am glad I caught it.
Thank you for clarifying your situation. I am glad you are able to reword the voice in your head. It does take practice doesn't it? But it is definitely a progress and a win!
Hurray to us.
@sunnyBunny8240 i know what you're going through, I can feel your pain/hollowness. The level of maturity you have written here is incredible. Wow!
Sometimes Its just not meant to be and I guess mature people drag along longer.
sure anyone could be playing the blame game but its just not helpful for any party at any point of separation.
All I can say is, don't take lightly or learn the emphasis of the phrase "action are louder than words"
the more you do - work upon yourself, work on your career etc. - the better you are in the long run.
and this is coming from a philosopher who believes in facing all your feelings 100% brutally n honestly.
@Listener89104
It is always uplifting to be described as mature. In real life, I am usually "immature for my age".
I still can't believe that we were not "meant to be" but that is how the other party sees it, and so I remind myself that it takes two to make a relationship and if one wants out it is no longer a relationship. I was alone in the apartment yesterday so I got to let my rational side talk out loud to my emotional side. Thank you for your real words.
"Actions speak louder than words" is one of my favorite motto. It is not easy for me but I aspire to do so, so I was happy to see this phrase here. Thank you.
As being brutally honest with your emotions, it is what I am trying to do since I read that it helps in the long run to let it all out in the beginning phase. I am dividing myself up to my rational side and emotional side and try to accept both sides. I have been letting myself cry whenever possible but now I am at a point where I feel like it is not helping. I take this as my rational side winning over my emotional side.
The feeling you described as hollowness, I believe comes for me longing for him, missing him and still having strong emotions for him and as you mentioned it is painful. I remind myself that these feelings are temporary and it will fade with time. It is the most difficult part so far so I will brace myself when I feel a wave of this emotion coming and my rational side will remind myself that it is okay and that it is only temporary.
Thank you for your wise words. It certainly added to the positivity I am feeling today already.
Thank you.
You seem like very mature person and taking all this in right way,I like you have not placed a single blame on your husband and are showing empathy to him this shows how nice a person you are, hopefully things turn around ok for you in future
@garydcoolestdude
Thank you very much for your kind and positive words of encouragement. Believe you me, I have my moments of anger. But I know it is no use and not helpful to have anger during such situation, rather I think it is going to make it worse and I cannot afford to make situations worse for my well-being. So I'm glad my anger side is overtaken by my rational side on this one. I can see he is also trying to make the situation as positive as possible. I listen to him and ask him questions whenever I can so he has an outlet too, though I know he does not have the luxury to say whatever he wants when I am the listener. We are both trying.
It hurts me to see him continue to support me even after he mentioned that he wants out. He understands that I am in a tough spot and I try not to but can't help but feel guilty that he is still acting as my caregiver even though we are not in a relationship any longer. I hope I can look forward to the day he is free of me. In the meantime, I am trying to shift my sense of guilt into something positive and constructive by doing my best to take it all in in a civilised manner.
I hope things turn around for my future too. I will count my blessings now so I will notice it when it does!
Thank you.
Sometimes the fuel runs out and it just means it's time for a change. Being together unhappy is wasting life away, day after day. Breakups are usually painful in the beginning and there should be a period of grief. Then there will be a period of personal growth, and if you continue the personal growth journey, the right people may fall into your life. Trust the process!
@Ryan8ven
I understand the notion of "fuel running out". I was happy with him. I was so ready and looking forward to continue spending the rest of my life with him no matter come what may. But that is my side of this relationship. As for my soon-to-be ex, the fuel ran out just like you mentioned. And having my side of the relationship is making the break up difficult.
I am letting myself grief as much as I can and try to acknowledge the pain as much as I can. I remind myself that these painful emotions are temporary and will fade away with time. As for my soon-to-be ex, he already had his grief that this relationship is not going to work (according to him) while I was still in the midst of a happy relationship. I know that once we start living separately, it is going to be tough for both of us. But at least he is looking forward to living in a more quite apartment with its own laundry space so he can do laundry whenever he can from the comfort of his own apartment without going down to the communal laundry room. It is important to focus on the positivities now and the reality of him looking forward to living his own life without me keeps grounded away from delusional, wishful and hopeful thinking.
I hope writing my BA thesis during this time will help me focus on the personal growth. Like it is said, people apparently come out stronger after adversities.
Thank you for your words that reminded me to be grounded and words of encouragement to put more positivity in the future to come.
Thank you.
@sunnyBunny8240 so sorry if you need a lisnter I'm here for you
Thank you very much.
This week is going to be overwhelming for me:
Today (Tuesday) I met my supervisor for my BA thesis and am super relieved that she seems like a really nice person. I have started working on my thesis👍
Tomorrow (Wednesday) I have one job interview and one job meeting and then going to have dinner with friends. Having dinner with friends should be fun but the next morning...
Most dreaded Thursday...
Dentist at 7:30 a.m. (Why Sweden!?) where will have three cavaties fixed but this is not the most dreadful thing this day.
At 3:00 p.m. I am going to the apartment management company to become the renter of the apartment...It is a step towards the divorce.
I was feeling angry this morning and took it out on my soon-to-be ex which made me feel guilt, got a little emotional with my kind supervisor where a cried a little in the school bathroom then the walk to the station...I slept a little on the bus and then at home in the apartment, I am numb. I have not felt this calm before since March 2nd. It is a little alarming but I reckon my defence mechanism kicked in to prepare for myself for the interviews tomorrow.
Human mind works in fascinating ways. I am glad I still have the strength to write all this down as a reply to you.
Thank you for reaching out. I am sure to sleep better tonight so I will be better prepared for the interview.
Thank you so much.