Getting a divorce after 12 years
On Saturday, March 2 my soon-to-be ex-husband mustered up his
courage to tell me he wanted a divorce.
I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him.
I thought the worst thing that could happen was him dying on me.
I never anticipated this.
He is not happy with me and he had endured and tolerated me for more than several years. He is very tired, and wants his own life alone. I am not resentful of him. He is a kind, smart person who deserves happiness. I am not giving him any.
I am devasted but trying to take in day by day, step by step.
I would really like some words of encouragement.
Thank you.
@sunnyBunny8240 I want you to know that first of all, its not all your fault. a lot of people take all the blame on themselves, but can still hold issues against the other person. sure you probably have your faults, but he has his too. it takes two to make a relationship work out, but so much easier, it takes two to end one as well. remember how brave of him It was to ask that. he was probably scared out of his wits. I know your hurting, and probably broken hearted if you thought it would last forever. I know this will be no use to you now, but in the long run you could end up a lot happier than you were before. something I tell myself is things always go from good, to bad, to better. if he wanted a divorce then things have probably been "bad" and now its REALLY hit a new low, but things always get better. give it time.
I don't know if you believe in God. or if you believe in "fate" or astrology stuff, the world, or ANYTHING. but no matter what it is, know that it has a plan for you. the hardest things in life are always the things you become most thankful for in the end. or not, some people think the world is out to get them, and them being born was such a tragedy, blah blah blah. idk you so I cant vouch if your one or the other. but I'm trusting your the kind that learns from the past and realizes that hard things make you strong.
this is probably one of the hardest things anyone can go through that isn't on the level of literal loss to death. I understand this is more than an ending to your marriage. this is the loss of a partner. a friend. loss of the person you quite literally set yourself aside for to have. loss to a person who became an everyday norm in your life.
just remember not to resent him. remember he has feelings in this too, and is probably hurting as much as you are right now. this isn't an easy thing for both sides. this is a scary thing to go through and the future seems so dark. like I said, trust that what you believe in has a plan for you. your strong, and must continue to be. if you have kids especially. idk if you have kids but if you do, remember to always be there for them more than you ever have before. sit them down and talk to them. let them know that they are loved. I believe in you, you got this!
also. don't get caught up in the "what if's"
what I mean by that is "what if I tried harder to make him happier?" "what if I hadnt done this one thing"
I think you get the point. forgive yourself for things you may have done. don't hang onto the past and wonder how things might be different. when your ready, move on, and face the world a better, stronger person.
@EmmyMarie06
It's like you read my mind! I really want a time machine or superpowers so I can turn back time and undo everything. My mind is still not convinced that there will be no second chance for me to prove that I can do better. We are still living together so I am trying my best to be better but it is more of a gesture of thanking him for supporting me for the several years.
I am reminding myself that this pain is only temporary, and it might take awhile but it is not going to last forever. I am looking forward to living a life without this pain. Of course, this pang might be with me forever but it will not be as hard to iive as it is now, is what I'm reminding myself, that I am in a safe place.
Again, thank you for pointing out another important but pointless habit/phase people go through in this situation but like you said, I hope it helps me to be a better person.
@sunnyBunny8240 Hi. Have you two tried couples therapy/counseling? You could start by showing him this piece you wrote here and pray that The Lord touches his heart while you suggest to him to attend couples counseling with you. You are trying your best and it hurts me to hear you sound so hurt. If you’re truly trying your best, maybe take the truth to him while you ask for a final chance in patience. Couples counseling should be able to help you both. Praying for you for favor with him 💕. Jesus hates to see you both hurt 💕
Sorry, I did nit see this kind suggestion sooner.
Thank you for the suggestion of couole's therapy.
A couple's therapy is, as the name suggests, a therapy for a couple who wants to work together.
I have suggested this, but my soon-to-be ex said he does not want to. Especially since he has no feelings left for me.
I understand that couple's therapy helped people go through a rough patch and come to a closure, but it doesn't seem like it is something for him.
Thank you for your kind words and helpful suggestion.
@EmmyMarie06
Thank you so much. You expressed many things so well. I was actually able to sleep a little better after reading your post. I still find it hard to see that there is no future for us together. But as you said, I remember how nervous and scared he was when he told me, it just breaks my heart. To have him think that things were "bad" between us when I thought it was circumstantial and not our relationship. I am still looking for excuses but I know it is my mind playing tricks on me trying to ease the blow. I will reread your post repeatedly to help my mind understand and be a little hopeful. We do not have children so it is probably easier that I can focus more on myself. Thank you for your reply.
@sunnyBunny8240 I'm so glad that my words have impacted you so much. as a girl whos only 17 and aspiring to be some kind of social worker it means a lot to know my words reach the mind of a person going through a lot and serves some kind of comfort. if you need more advice or want me to touch up on some things, or just need someone to listen to you, don't hesitate to reach out just because I'm still younger. I'm on this site to offer words of comfort to the people on here. like you said, just keep going day by day. its not easy but you've taken this incredibly well. you've got this. BUT it is okay to crack a little bit. reach out to your family/close friends for support. I'm sure they will be there for you :)
have a good day!
@EmmyMarie06
Holy moly, you are only 17??? You are much mature than all the people I know👏
Good on you.
I actually screen shot your post and read it while I was at school today when I felt unstable.
I read it once more after I got home and bawled for 20 minutes.
I read somewhere that releasing these initial strong emotions as much as I can at the beginning will make the healing process easier later on.
I saw that the apartment was empty when I came back and I cried and cried.
The pang in my chest is still there but I am feeling much better.
I even got to have an honest conversation with my soon-to-be ex without being depressing.
I even got to get a peek of how friends after break up might actually work.
Crying really does help. Amazing.
And encouraging, kind words also help.
I feel so lucky to be doing this when reaching out to strangers is much easier.
It brings me so much hope to this world that a space like this exists.
Thank you to everyone reading and sharing your kindness.
It is helping me so much!
@sunnyBunny8240 yea im only 17 haha. but I've been through a lot and its kinda made me a wize person I guess? I don't really know LOL.
anyways your so welcome. I'm being very honest when it makes me very happy that you used my comment to draw strength from today. makes me happy that I can make a little bit of a difference. we are all here for you in every way we can be. its a really good community. keep crying, and even though your loosing him, keep growing good terms with your husband. my mom and biological dad got along wayyy better after they were divorced too.
crying does cleanse the soul. sometimes it wipes you out and you need a glass of water and a nap after, but its just expressing the heavy emotions that your mind and body don't know how to handle at the time. the reason why people cry is because they are overwhelmed. you can cry to any emotion. you can become overwhelmed with any emotion to.
this might be weird coming from a 17 year old, and your an adult and all that, but I'm really proud of you for stepping up so well to the challange. I know that your optimistic in this forum, but I think its safe to say you've had or pessimistic moments. even then you continue to look at it in a light that's not dim at all. I think life has so much to offer you. just keep walking the line and you'll be happy again.
@EmmyMarie06
you are amazing thank you for those encouraging words to other members it makes me happy people can support each other(:
@EmmyMarie06
I'm sorry you went through "a lot". It inspires me how lovely and wonderful of a person you are now at such a young age!
The things is, it's not like my and my soon-to-be ex don't get along. I was just too complacent and became so lazy that I didn't even notice he was struggling and pulling away from me. I am trying to get used to the idea of us being friends though. I talked to a friend who has two exes as good friends so I hope I can be like that. It would be a shame to have him out of my life. I really enjoyed his company and I hope he continues to enjoy my company without all the burden from me in the near future.
I was crying last week, and this week it feels like I can't cry anymore. I have this sense of doom that scared me during the day today but as soon as my soon-to-be ex came home I was suddenly hit with reality again that this was really happening. I didn't cry and continued to hear him talk about his day and I realized that I can live with this sense of doom. I can still feel fun even with this. And I know with time this sense of doom will weaken. Right now, I am feeling fine at the moment despite my post only a few hours ago.
I am actually doing teacher training at a middle school and I have taught in high school too. I know how even lower graders can be way more mature than I am. I guess they call it "old soul". I really believe in this. In Japan, they are expressed as someone who lived many lives before. I'd like to think that you are someone like that. Who has been through a lot in this life and many lives before. I am very thankful that someone like you exist to make my day and sad experience better. I really cannot express how grateful I am. I feel like I am in the next phase of grief already only after three weeks! But I know this is because my soon-to-be ex is still around for another couple of months and I am preparing myself mentally for the day he is no longer living with me.
It is absolutely strange that it has only been less than 3 weeks that I had no idea what was to come, yet, he was struggling for several months. Hard to wrap my mind around it...
@sunnyBunny8240 your an amazingly strong person. most people I feel would shut down but you are honestly taking all of this like a champ! I'm happy your coming to terms with this so well. I know its still probably eating away at you inside but your still choosing to be an optimist about this on the outside. that's admirable. I think I'm going to keep you in mind for a long time reminding myself to be positive in all that I do no matter how hard things get. I know I'm going to have my moments but thank you for the inspiration. your truly a marvel.
@sunnyBunny82
I'm sorry. I'm divorced after 27 years...I know your feelings. if you like to talk I'm here.
@smead85
Wow...27 years...can't even wrap my head around how it would feel like.
As you can see from my replies, I am trying to pour out as much as I can here.
For the first time in my life, I am reaching out to as many people and resources as I can because I cannot afford to lose my mind right now. I am at the end of my teacher education right now. One week of teacher training to go, two unfinished assignments and one last thesis to write so I can apply to jobs as a teacher in Sweden.
We moved to Sweden and we had hoped that we would both work as teachers with double income. He already has a teaching license so he was able to start right away, but I needed to start from learning Swedish, getting my bachelor's degree for English and go through a teaching education. It should have taken 5 years, instead it took 9 years if everything goes smoothly until June. It took too long and we are both tired. But I was always hopeful about the 20-25 years I get to work as a teacher in Sweden. I did not imagine I would be living this life without him. When I passed my third teacher training, it was after he mentioned the divorce, and I actually was not happy. Everyone congratulating me at the school where I am doing my teacher training, it just felt so sad.
Thank you. I received your kind words and was able to write a little more about the situation. It was and is hard but I think it is good that I can spill it out somewhere.
Thank you.
It appears I will be going through something similar, after 20 years. I find joy in my 16 yo daughter, who wants to stay with me even if my wife goes away. I also find I need to flush out my emotions in private, so they don’t eat me inside. Finally, the circumstances are such I don’t have any huge regrets or things I could have done differently, at least recently.
@Intelligentarticulateinsomniac
20 years...
I also read or saw somewhere that crying releases stress, so there is a reason why people feel better after crying.
Shedding a tear or two is better than nothing but bawling with your voice does help!
Also, singing.
I remember the first time I sang, and feeling a little better.
Second time made me cry.
Now I have a song I try to sing whenever I feel the heaviness or pang in my chest to see if I cry or not. If I cry, my stress is relieved. If I don't, I released some kind of happy chemicals in my brain and I still feel a little better.
Reminding myself that it gets easier with time helps too.
I remember when I lost a friend, and not being able to feel the initial pain after a year so made me feel guilty because it felt like she wasn't as important to be anymore.
So this morning on the bus, I tried to cherish the pain in my chest. It means that I gave my all to this person. That is why it hurts. It means I am someone I can give my heart to someone. I am feeling proud. I'm sorry, it could be that I am weirdly feeling optimistic today. Tomorrow might be another day...but another day away from the worst day of my life and this pain closer to becoming something from the past.
Good luck to both of us!
Thanks sunnyBunny8240. In my situation, it sounds like there’s not a 100% certainty on my wife’s side: On some days, I feel hope, (and hope for a changed mind) - but then the next day appears nothing changed, and we’re on this unalterable course towards physical and relational separation.
My goal is to fix what I can, to become a more generous & approachable person, no matter what. Because I want to be the person people want to be around! Therefore, I need to “be the hero”, with all the personal attributes I want see in a friend I’d want to be with. And if I do this, I think I’ll find more friends with these same attributes who want to be around me.
I am totally in the market for high quality friends, but for me I find the internet seems to pose more obstacles to accomplish this goal - I don’t know how to actually contact a real person. Fortunately, I made a nice connection this morning, on a weekly Meetup hike I attend every week here in the Twin Cities (Minneapolis / St Paul, Minnesota). One friend at a time, slowly build a better foundation…
@Intelligentarticulateinsomniac
Having an uncertain situation sounds tough. My uncertainty is made by my delusional, wishful and hopeful thinking as I have been calling it and this delusional thinking is giving me an emotional roller coaster of a ride and it is not easy to shut this wishuful thinking down. I read somewhere that it is a defense mechanism and soften the blow from the reality and so that is how I try to understand it when I have hopeful thoughts. As for you, it could be that the lawn is greener on the other side, I am a little jealous that you might still have a chance however slim they could be. But I have a glimpse of the emotional roller coaster (as mentioned, mine is from the hopeful thinking) and it is not easy. I think at the beginning, when I had my delusional thinking going strong my motto was "Do your best but don't expect anything".
Reading your goal made me hopeful for reality. I am also trying to be the "better" version of me. Someone on this post mentioned something about me having myself. Borrowing your reasoning, I need to be someone I want to be around. I need positivity in my life but it has to come from myself to feel it genuine. While doing this, I hope I can be better at being friends too.
Thank you for your inspirational and positive words. I am happy to read someone being pro-active during challenging times. It also gives me courage to do the same. It is a great idea to check the internet for local meetups. I will borrow that idea. I am trying to attend a weekly language meetup and it is becoming a good place to reflect upon how I'm taking in reality. I hope to hear more future update from you.
Thank you.
Well, firstly respect to you for how well you are dealing with it
Secondly, it sounds as if you have a plan for your life. You can become a teacher. Maybe it seems far away from your thoughts now but it is very possible that you meet someone else.
I am sorry for you and how you feel but the way you deal with it determines the strength of character you have. I feel you will pull through and in some time actually see it as something you are glad of because you found a way to be happier afterwards
@WhatNameidk
Thank you so much for your positive words of the future.
I don't know if it's because of your positive words, or the fact that I cried a lot today, or coincidence, or being able to talk to a friend, I cannot actually deny the possibility that there might be something happier in the future.
No matter how the happiness comes, I hope I see it, take notice and appreciate it.
Thank you so much!
We’re all here for you
@Countrygirl095
This "We're all here for you" at the end, after I've read all the kind words I recieved, made me cry.
Thank you.
I need to become a person who can give kind words like this...
@sunnyBunny8240 you're so welcome
It's been two weeks since my soon-to-be ex has mustered up his courage to tell me he wanted a divorce. I was devastated at the beginning but the second week was better than the first week so I reckon the third week is going to be better than the last.
I have noticed that the better sleep I get at night I have more energy, and because I am still spending time with him since we live together and he still talks to me, I am asking more questions. He is so nice and says he thinks it's good that we get to have closure through these discussions.
My mind has been still going wild, still being hopeful for a different outcome but every time, it gets shot down. He is being consistent and I appreciate it very much. I know this situation is stressful for him too.
Seeing how he is handling the situation so maturely and being the bigger person, it just makes me so angry at myself. All the things I could've done differently, all the things I couldn't see. How could I let a person so nice suffer this much? I am still not setting him free by asking questions and saying stupid things.
A part of my logical side is seeing his circumstance. He is tired of the burden of supporting me and he wanted out and be free. I believe he had a time where he was in love with me and dreamed of spending the rest of our lives together. But me being dependent on him for nearly a decade has worn him out. He does not see a future together anymore. He does not say that he is "worn out" and "wants to be free". These are words I put myself. He just repeats that he has no feelings for me and he does not see a future together. He repeats that giving me or the relationship a second chance will not change anything.
I love his stubborness.
My heart and the other part of my logical mind is having the hardest time accepting the reality. I remind myself that his feelings are gone. He is feeling more like my caregiver than my lover.
I tried calling three of my friends but I they didn't answer so I began writing here in a half panic-like state. Now they have all returned my calls and I was able to express my thoughts to them so I am feeling a little calm.
My logic side understands why this hurts so much but my less logic side does not understand why it has to hurt so much.
Okay, he's back from jogging so I am signing off.
Sorry for my rambling but it helps. I hope this rambling is relatable or chuckle worthy to someone too.
I wish you inner peace. Marriage takes two committed people. Day by day and remember you are never alone.
Hi Sunny, I just read your update, and let me tell you that you are an amazingly strong woman who shows kindness in the way you express yourself to your partner. It's so strange how life can change from one day to the next; we can have something one moment and lose it the next, but you will always have yourself. The incredible woman you are will be able to overcome all the challenges and emerge stronger from this situation. The person you will become after overcoming this situation is waiting for you. I'm glad to hear that you're sleeping better. I know it sounds cliché, but your mind and body need you right now, and you're doing an amazing job taking care of yourself. I'm very proud of your positive attitude toward what you're going through. Remember that you are valuable, and your happiness matters. Even when things seem bleak, there's always something worth fighting for. You can do this!
@xmonimor
Hello!
Thank you so much for the encouraging words! I was at school almost feeling helpless so it helped a bunch! "I always have myself" is an eye opener for me! I never thought of it that way. I definitely need myself to stay healthy and not break down on me! Under the circumstances I feel like I have a very good excuse to slack off a bit (even though I've been slacking off at home forever) so I am trying to take it easy and prioritizing me staying calm and level-headed so I don't snap and lose it. Yes, indeed I need myself to stay sane more than ever.
Right now I feel like I am fighting for an illusion or delusion but whatever keeps me sane, whatever gets me up in the morning.
Again, thank you so very much for the encouraging words🙏
Thank you for the kind words who posted.
I would really like to reply to them individually when I have time later.
Right now, I am feeling like a silent storm, or you see a big storm happening but there is no sound.
My soon-to-be ex went to ask how to go about making me the renter instead of him and it looks like I will be able to continue living in the apartment now, which is good. Then he told me "The bad news is we need to get a divorce. I never thought we would get divorced when we got married" so casually and non-chalantly, it almost looked he was happy to have things progress at last.
To me, it has only been less than 3 weeks and it feels like things are changing very quickly. The good news is that he will still be living with me until the end of May, and by that time I would have finished writing my thesis so there will no drastic changes happening while I'm writing my thesis. The difference is we will continue sleeping in separate rooms and be more like a roommate.
My emotions are still going strong. It feels like I've used up all my crying and I can't even cry and I feel a little numb.
I cannot express how glad I am I found this place where I can express these storms of emotions, almost panic-like feeling I get and I don't know what to do. Writing about them here helps me immensely and I am greatful.
Thank you. I feel better for now.
