Communication

Hi All,

After some advice and a sanity check.

As a child I was always known as the shy one, so much so by the time I got to high school I started to not push myself at all to make any effort to talk and get out of my comfort zone id only speak when I was asked a question when outside my friend circle because being shy was just me.

I'm now 40 and can still struggle at times with putting myself out there, being vulnerable and genuine with people in conversations. I don't really have many friends but have been in a committed relationship for 10 years. We are very much struggling for a variety of reasons, but communication and not taking the lead are some key things that get mentioned a lot.

One thing that does keep coming up is how I managed to chat "rubbish" to work colleagues. This makes me get quite annoyed and I have lost my temper with my partner (admittedly I shouldn't have done that) but they tell me that I prioritise my work more than our relationship because I'm good at that rubbish talk and don't put as much effort in relationship conversations. I feel very confused. I hate small talk with people in general and I'm also not very good at it. I also hate when you have to go to work events and network. I'm not close to anyone in my work and I don't feel like I connect with anyone apart from very very superficially. No one really knows much about me and I've been there 2 years.

Is it normal to feel as if you're a fake when you're just trying to be you?! I'm very conscious of trying to speak genuinely with my partner about my feelings in general, as it's not something I've been good at in the past. I want to try help things but I don't know if it is. They have also asked if I thought I might be autistic but have masked it from childhood. Is being authentic meant to be so hard? Is anyone else terrible at communicating and does anyone have any tips about how to improve?

Thanks

Nickle