I need to hear from people that have made it through infidelity
About 8 months ago, my husband told me he was seing someone else, it was faily new, maybe a couple of months ago, the guilt was eating him alive, he ended it, told me about it and wanted to make our marrage work. There are 20 years of a life we had built together, and while I could see the changes he was displaying during that time never in my life could I have guess that this was going on.
We did couples therapy and individual therapy for about 6 months, we both have agreed that healing from this is going to take time, lots of time, and while I feel like our marriage is going down a good path I still have doubts and trust issues
And I would really like to hear from other people that have been there and that have made it, that can share their journey with me and can tell me that even though its hard there is light at the end of the tunel and that a marrige can survive this and be better than what it was before.
@uncertainpath122624
I was there and we are still together. You said you noticed some changes what did you think it was? Did you ask? did you think he would just tell you eventually because that is what happened correct?
When someone strays it is for a reason ......maybe life was boring or we feel taken for granted or we just were unhappy with life and we can not change our partner so we may make bad choices in changes in ourselves.
The one thing i can tell you is it will NEVER be the way it was before... it can be rebuilt as something new with new understandings and respect........ but it will not be as before. .....
If the Before was working....... the partner would not have strayed, IMO
Not sure how your therapy has gone but there is often a lot to unpack around this.
As a couple we were not acknowledging what we were going through or if we noticed changes...... we did not speak up and stay connected. We assumed we knew each other and that was it. He guessed wrong about a few things. People change and we need to be aware and included in those changes or we become distant. We learned to look for signs and address things asap not assume all is well.
@toughTiger6481
He was having a hard time at work and was also going to school, at first I though it was the stress of both, and I did ask if he was ok, if there was anything I could do to help, but he said it was just him.
Slowly I started noticing him getting distant, our conversations were very dull, hi how was your day, fine, how was yours. When I would approach him and try embracing him he would hesitate before hugging me back, eventually not hugging back at all. At this same time I was dealing with a relapse of an auto immune disorder that would cause me to get exhausted so I would be going to bed very early.
One day after he got back home from class I went to him and tried hugging him, and he just stood there alsmost pushing me away, it broke me, I walked away and I could tell he noticed how bad it had hurt, after I composed my self, I went back and told him that there was something wrong and we needed to talk about it.
Thats the night he told me about what was going on.
I do agree with you, when someone strays its for a reason, our problem was that during our 20 year marrage we poured ourselfs into our children, home and work but we did not make time for us.
We were living our marriage in auto pilot, our communication was great when it came to our kids and work and running our house hold but it was non existing when it came to us as a couple.
The thing that broke me the most was the fact that he was able to talk to someone else about what he was missing in our marriage, that he choose to to go to someone else instead of coming to me and telling me what was going on.
But I also take resposibility for my part, I was the type of person that would rather avoid comflict by not talking about it and hoping it will go away, and for most of our marriage that is how we dealt with things by ingnoring them.
I was also the type of person that would always have my phone playing something in my ear, whether it was listening to an audio book, a podcast of binge watching a series, I was always in my own little world, so I understood when he felt like I was never fully there for him to talk about things
So looking back, no what we had was not working on a couples level, I would not want to go back to that.
What we are rebuilding now feels better, our communiation is better, the things that we used to avoid talking about even though they are hard to bring up we talk about.
What I strugle with is the uncertanty of things, when I need to talk about things and he seems to be in a good place and not knowing if I can bring things up.
I want to move on and be in a good place but at the same time I dont want to forget because I am scared of things going back to the way they were.
I want to look at the bright side of things, but I also want to keep being miserable so he can see how bad he hurted me and he can be miserable too. Crazy I know.
I have far better days now than I did at the begining of things. But I still strugle with this rollercoster of emotions, its like I am stuck in a loop I can't seem to get out of.
@uncertainpath122624
Sounds like you are making the progress and see the auto pilot thing many don't ....so many kid themselves that things were OK.
I do not think it sounds crazy to also want him to remember how much you were/ are hurt. remember to focus your anger at whomever it was as they KNEW he was married too.
It is easier to talk to another person. The other person does not see our part of the dysfunction they only see us as the victim or wronged. It does not take much IMO if they make you feel listened to... if you can have conversations that do not have talks about house / kids / bills ..... someone who tells you they find you attractive or interesting ........ we forget when our spouse last made us feel that way.
You will go back and forth with feelings about what has happened and that is to be expected ... speaking up and talking is the best way forward when these feelings pop up.
@uncertainpath122624
I feel for you and what you're moving thru! I'm not gonna lie to you bc I believe in your heart you know this already but when partner breaks a promise or the vows, disrespects the union they committed to, cheats or is abusive in any way... its over. The cord is severed in my opinion. As much as you want to see them the same, trust and forgive, you know it'll never be 100 percent. It'll always hurt, it'll always be a fear moving forward and it's not fair to u or to them to attempt to do something that i feel can't be done.
I know this is so hard but what I had to do was take back my power, stand in that power, and know my worth. I'm worth more than to be dishonored and betrayed by anyone. If I don't know that that who will? U can do this. It takes being honest with yourself first! Healing and sticking up for yourself! The marriage cord is gone love n you have to first mourn the death of that. But I believe in you!