Losing hope

Every day I wake up feeling suffocated with a tightness in my chest. Battling with chronic depression, anxiety ever since I was a child, had psychological trauma from school and recently got diagnosed with ASD. I stopped taking my medications because it kept suppressing my emotions more. But now I am worse, I can't handle the intense loneliness that autistic burnout brings. Cannot meet my friends frequently, maybe once a year if I'm lucky. I've settled for online friendships but I am struggling to keep anyone in my life. I can't reciprocate or pretend anymore, all the nostalgia makes it impossible for me not to breakdown and cry. It's a nostalgia that makes me sick to my stomach because I wasn't even myself around them. Now everything is falling apart, all these years of masking and trying became useless since I have no one when I really need somebody. I miss times when conversations were light hearted, but I also remember how disconnected I was with myself. I feel like if I don't bring my best self everywhere, things will always fall apart. I try so hard only for it to be blown away like dust.