Improving or disillusioned?

I've been thinking a lot lately, actually thinking a lot is the norm for me. Why do I feel numb? I can't explain it? Like there's something missing and I can't tell what? Have you felt this way before but then again I wonder why I feel this way with everything I'm doing right.

I'm trying to be a better version of myself, I have a lot of breakdowns, panic attacks, low self esteem, social anxiety, an unhealthy tendency of over comparing myself to people and honestly I just cry a lot.

In my journey in trying to be better because I can't afford therapy and well being my own therapist is kinda hard? Has anyone ever done that before though? Any tips, I mean I bought some glasses to put me into the 'therapist mode' but looking back at it now, not sure that was effective🤔

So if you have any tips, I really don't mind. Okay going back to what I was saying....

Trying to be better has been a struggle for me, I exercise now, trying to stick to habits, tryna read more books and also trying to improve my relationship with God... I'm not as uhm disfunctional as I used to be but I still hate myself and compare, oh and I forgot I'm lonely too. I'm improving but it feels like there are so many holes I haven't patched up? Is this normal or am I failing at it or too slow? I really can't tell if I'm moving forward coz it looks like nothing is changing but yet I don't cry so much and some days I smile more even though I don't have a reason too...

That's why I can't help wonder why I feel numb? Am I missing something or just dissatisfied? I'm so confusing?

I really wouldn't mind suggestions from anyone who's been here or experienced something similar and well I'm glad I have a community to actually share such deep thoughts so thank you.