I can't wait to find "home"

As I finish my degree this year, I am experiencing immense suffering. I failed to have a rewarding life and find what I was looking for in this city when I moved here a few years ago to start studying. I tried to look for a purpose and have a “home,” including somewhere I belong socially. The only thing I will find in the end will be my degree. However, although I am graduating, I am not even excited or happy about it. I could care less because my life is so bad. During my degree, the only significant thing that happened is that I discovered how much I want to leave the continent and find my home and “real life” abroad.

I am suffering immensely socially as well and need to deal with everything alone. Since 2019, most of my life fell away (not due to any conflict) including my closest friends and close family. Although I worked on my degree during that time, it is no excuse for people to leave my life. For the past years it has been me who has needed to initiate interactions with others, and worst yet, interactions have become incessantly unrewarding and not long-lasting. Any effort to make new friends has been unsuccessful as well. Everyone in this city, including roommates and random strangers anywhere, have been rude and distant, or simply unappealing or unrelatable. People do not appreciate me in general. They haven’t even wanted to hire me when I applied for employment and had several interviews for what I was eligible for. People do not want anything to do with me or connect personally. As a result of having no social circle, I am extremely isolated. It is made worse due to the high level of use of digital technology to mediate social relations. This all has been horrible for me, since due to inherent social need, nobody should be constantly alone or neglected as I have been. I simply cannot connect with anyone on this continent unless they are not from here, for many reasons. I am tired of cultures that promote individualism as well as social interaction through digital technology. I can’t wait to move somewhere where I will have a better social life.

Overall, I just want to find where I belong and where I can enjoy life no matter what it throws at me, with the people who will become my family. It feels like no matter how long I stay here life will only be inconvenient and not have a higher purpose. Life is meaningless, unrewarding, and arbitrary here.