GumballMachine Member Profile

I can't wait to find "home"

20 & Over / by GumballMachine

January 13th

...See more As I finish my degree this year, I am experiencing immense suffering. I failed to have a rewarding life and find what I was looking for in this city when I moved here a few years ago to start studying. I tried to look for a purpose and have a “home,” including somewhere I belong socially. The only thing I will find in the end will be my degree. However, although I am graduating, I am not even excited or happy about it. I could care less because my life is so bad. During my degree, the only significant thing that happened is that I discovered how much I want to leave the continent and find my home and “real life” abroad. I am suffering immensely socially as well and need to deal with everything alone. Since 2019, most of my life fell away (not due to any conflict) including my closest friends and close family. Although I worked on my degree during that time, it is no excuse for people to leave my life. For the past years it has been me who has needed to initiate interactions with others, and worst yet, interactions have become incessantly unrewarding and not long-lasting. Any effort to make new friends has been unsuccessful as well. Everyone in this city, including roommates and random strangers anywhere, have been rude and distant, or simply unappealing or unrelatable. People do not appreciate me in general. They haven’t even wanted to hire me when I applied for employment and had several interviews for what I was eligible for. People do not want anything to do with me or connect personally. As a result of having no social circle, I am extremely isolated. It is made worse due to the high level of use of digital technology to mediate social relations. This all has been horrible for me, since due to inherent social need, nobody should be constantly alone or neglected as I have been. I simply cannot connect with anyone on this continent unless they are not from here, for many reasons. I am tired of cultures that promote individualism as well as social interaction through digital technology. I can’t wait to move somewhere where I will have a better social life. Overall, I just want to find where I belong and where I can enjoy life no matter what it throws at me, with the people who will become my family. It feels like no matter how long I stay here life will only be inconvenient and not have a higher purpose. Life is meaningless, unrewarding, and arbitrary here.

How did you find your purpose in life?

Depression Support / by GumballMachine

December 17th, 2024

I wish I could give my life to someone who wants to live

Depression Support / by GumballMachine

December 14th, 2024

I don't know what to do after my undergraduate degree

Student Support / by GumballMachine

November 12th, 2024

...See more Finishing my undergraduate degree soon. As a first generation student, I will be the first in my family to graduate from university. I will be wallowing in debt, and partly due to this I will not continue my education. There is LOTS of employment that can be done with only experience and no university education anyways. I think I am actually of average intelligence and it is really isolating to go to university, so I am not sure why I would continue studying. I have a poor memory and nobody is interested in me enough to give me attention. Plus, most of the students are WAY younger than me so it's like attending an upper-high school rather than a university. It's really deluded, people thinking they need to get a degree after high school to enhance employment opportunities. It used to be different in the past, but now anyone can get a degree. University as it is in the modern day just isn't the same as it used to be. University used to mean a lot to me and was exciting, but unfortunately doesn't mean anything anymore or feel the same as it used to. All going to university is is taking in information and spitting it out until you get a piece of paper that doesn't necessarily get you employment or actually mean anything. Why would I want to do that? People who take the time to get PhDs who take in so much information for years and are lucky enough to work in a university just work to spew information on young adults who will never get a PhD and possibly not even get a career in the area of study. It sounds disgusting to me. I hope to start a new life soon where I find somewhere I belong and have a social support system. I wonder where I should go and what I should do. I hope to move abroad and start a new life. I hope it is fulfilling, instead of this meaningless garbage and isolating lifestyle where nothing meaningful or interesting actually happens. Why I even started studying, I have no idea. I am tired of capitalist society where everything is done to get money, where people live to work and work to live, and hope to join a society that is less focused on capitalist ideals. I feel that I am being forced to be a slave by society for most of my life, and I would be very blessed to be supported by someone(s) and not work. This modern day, extortionately expensive lifestyle where everyone supposedly needs to work full-time just to survive is delusional. I actually don't want to be forced to try hard just to "be someone" in society or to work. I feel trapped in what society wants me to do, because I don't care about any of it, and this perspective isn't a result of a mental health condition. I just don't belong in this society. What I might love to do instead of being a capitalist slave is pay off my interest-incurring student debt, become a monk, and spend my time doing something like harvesting rice or tea in the mountains or hills of Asia, instead of pretending to be like these people I exist around when really I will never be like them. If anyone would like to share their current lifestyle or experiences after university, I would love to know. I would love to know what people's experience was like as a first generation student as well- if you were one you should share. I would love to talk about university and after-university experiences, or really anything related to my post. How do you cope with capitalist society? Looking forward to discussing with you.

Seeking Long-term Listener

General Support / by GumballMachine

March 19th, 2024

Today's Weather Haiku

Poetry / by GumballMachine

February 26th, 2024

Making Progress in my Life

Positivity & Gratitude / by GumballMachine

December 7th, 2023

...See more I always wanted to achieve something in my life or do interesting, out of the box things. I wanted to actually do or be something, rather than following the status quo. To be respected, pursue what is interesting to me, and possibly be useful to society. I was never treated the greatest by others, being restricted from doing certain things. It seems that when you are young society is less likely to allow you to do certain things because of their perspectives on younger people. Most of my free time growing up was filled with nonsensical romantic endeavours, as well as platonic and familial relationships, and my education. I stopped "dating" after beginning university, however, and began to focus on pursuing what I wanted to do in life. I chose to do this also due to some trauma happening with my most recent serious romantic partner right before starting university. After moving to a bigger city and starting university, I started to fill my time with more and more things I wanted to do, in order to experiment with my life. It seems that being in university or a city has given me more freedom to do this than I had before. For the past year, I finally have been doing a lot more things I desire in my life. I have been volunteering in various roles. I assumed two separate roles within an official club at my university, one after the other. It is interesting being in a leadership role, even though the club is small. I will have completed a 7 Cups internship soon as well, which I am pursuing to help me decide if I want to take a particular career path. I am very grateful to say I will have a degree as well after next year, with not one but 2 majors and a certificate. What I have achieved are great and desirable accomplishments to me. I think it is easier to go nowhere in life or to follow what others think you should do rather than to actually pursue what you want. This is not because it takes effort, but because others may frown upon it based on their own limiting perspectives. I think it can be uplifting to do what you want in life and succeed, whereas not being allowed to can crush the soul and make one feel rather sad. Very grateful for my life in the past few years.

Seeking Mentor and Writing Prompts

Reading & Writing / by GumballMachine

November 2nd, 2023

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