Why do breakups have to hurt so badly? Well, if we all snuggled with everyone we liked with no consequences, like an episode of Bachelor in Paradise, the world would spin off its axis. There must be some societal checks �n balances. Evolutionary biologists conclude that post-breakup pain and reflection is required for us to learn from a loss. The agony following a broken relationship is an evolutionary adaptation that ensures the maintenance of close social ties.
Rejection hurts so that we are hesitant to enter social situations in which rejection is likely. It's a safety mechanism to protect us from turmoil.
Every person and split are different. We may have handled a prior breakup just fine, while the next one has us clutching our chest and making deals with God. One thing is for sure, the only way over it is through it. Developing empathy and realistic expectations for your recovery helps. Unchecked emotions can lead to despondency and a sense of hopelessness. Feelings of self-blame and even thoughts of self-harm are not uncommon, and professional guidance should be considered.
Breaking up in the good old days
Breakup and divorce recovery were less grueling when the world was offline. Before social media, breaking-up was a discrete event. A split used to occur when phones were dumb and tethered to a fixed wall. Imagine a time when you answered every call hoping it was your ex calling to make-up, but it was Aunt Edna asking if you wanted ambrosia salad on Sunday.
Today, a breakup can go down via text sans any emotion or actual interaction. Even worse, they can take the form of a social media post, thereby becoming a spectator affair rife with the trimmings of public comments, crying emojis, and indiscriminate shares, all forever memorialized in the cloud.
For some modern-day breakup-ees, the outing of their emotions publicly online is a frantic form of catharsis. They post colorful block quotes of how independent they are, while deluging us with selfies donning new clothes, bangs, spray tans, sports cars, or posing with any attractive being of the opposite sex, or worse — a flexing gym selfie.
Now more than ever, we have commoditized ourselves and made dating transactional.
How to heal your heart in the online era
The following are techniques to greatly accelerate your rise from cupid's neglect:
1. Social media is neither social nor media. If you post over-the-top or sexy pictures as evidence of your thrilling new life, you are only showing how much you still care. Breaking up with someone includes breaking up with his or her social media. If you skip this fundamental step, you might as well slip on camouflage, squat in the bushes, and ogle through their windows.
2. Alcohol gives you bummer-brain. Alcohol is a depressant that impairs judgment. One does not need a root causal-analysis to see the results that sad-drinking can yield. Alcohol whispers silly things like, "You should totally text him." Any amount you drink can make you more miserable. It also leads to bad decisions like cereal for dinner, and impulsivity like buying your whole wishlist on Amazon.
3. Do nothing. Any moment that you want to reach out or take an action that is anything about your ex or trying to get them back — do nothing. Doing nothing ensures that you have nothing to regret. You cannot go wrong if you avoid any action that gets you reengaged with your ex. It's the smallest tactic with the biggest return. Your panic and desperation to get them back in your life is a crushing desire that lessens each time you don't try.
4. No ex-sex. There are endless reasons sexual reunions with your ex are inadvisable. Go on a �love fast' for 30 days to begin dissolving the neurological processes your brain has formed. In a study published in Archives of Sexual Behavior, researchers found that people who use sex to cope with breakup anger and distress or to get back at their ex may be slower to recover from the breakup.
5. Be "opposite you." In the case of a breakup or divorce, the primary "opposite you" is to �go ghost.' If you and your ex have children together, then you will unavoidably need to discuss issues such as welfare and access. However, it is best to keep these interactions to a minimum, and at a McDonald's Playland just off the freeway. Otherwise, continuing to see your ex prevents you from moving on with your life. It also exposes you to extreme distress and hinders your emotional recovery and an increased longing for reconciliation.
6. Never use someone to get over another. Rebound relationships are a great way to boost your ego at the expense of someone else's wellbeing. Rebound dating is not therapy. If you are hurting, you should be healing, not dating. Reconnect with old friends. They'll remind you of how epic you were prior to your ex falling from the internet into your arms. A rebound simply postpones healing in a cerebral purgatory.
7. Radically accept. When a relationship ends against your will, rather than focusing on how much you want things to be different, try radically accepting the situation as is. Radical acceptance is not the same as liking or condoning. It's simply accepting what is out of your control to lessen anxiety, anger, and sorrow. Controlling your reaction to what is happening is the only thing over which you have control. In life, you can let go or you can be towed.
8. Be DTF (down to forgive). If you believe you were at fault, forgive yourself not just once, but again and again until you feel peace. Then pay it forward. Once you accept your flaws and mistakes, no one can use them against you. Truth is, most of us are doing the best we can with the skills we have at any given moment.
9. Soothe thyself. The goal with self-soothing is to engage as many of the five senses as possible. Consider taking a hike by water or in nature, while paying close attention to the sights, smells, and sounds around you. Or, get a massage somewhere that's not open 24 hours with blacked-out windows. Go out for a meal or just dessert with a friend if possible. Even when you don't feel like eating, food goes down much easier under the distraction of conversation.
10. Send a knee mail. I don't care if you are Muslim, Hindu, Christian, Jewish, or questioning if there's a God - negotiating a breakup is the perfect time to spend in prayer. Every moment that you are centered in the past or future, you suffer a temporary loss of this life. Prayer keeps you rooted in the now. Add mindfulness meditation training via these exercises, a meditation phone app or YouTube. With practice, an inner balance and peacefulness develop, and you become a master of chill.
11. Heartache? Do some comeback cardio. Any type of exercise or vigorous activity is an effective means to burn-off the flotsam in your bloodstream. Exercise will cause your muscles to create lactic acid to help counter the change in ph resulting from anxious breathing. Don't overdo it. If you weren't an American Ninja Warrior contestant prior, you don't need to be one now. But you do need to spend time outdoors, get regular sleep, eat right, and move.
12. Choose your breakup buddy (BuB). The recovery process is fraught with pitfalls and regression. It's counterintuitive to feel worse while supposedly on the track to healing. One minute might pass where you don't think of your ex at all. The next you're chewing-off your bestie's arm to retrieve your phone and send an ill-advised text. These are dangerous moments of relapse, hence the importance of a "breakup buddy" (aka, BuB). Choose someone empathetic and able to handle the mood swings you will fire at them. A 7 Cups listener is always available.
13. Take the write way. "Dear Diary, today everything sucked�" Research has shown that journaling helps reduce stress, solve problems more effectively, and even improves your health by strengthening immune cells, called T-lymphocytes. Eventually, you will start to see that you're a damned rainbow, and your ex was colorblind.
14. Don't get kicked in the nostalgias. Nostalgia has a utopian aspect due to the substantial role that imagination plays in it. When reminiscing previous romantic love, past difficulties are often overlooked due to the idealization of your ex and the time together. The image in your head that the past looks so perfect is a mirage created by nostalgia. The past holds nothing for you now. Stop looking there.
Constantly thinking about your ex is due to deep sensory memories and an emotional response separate from any truth or reality that you need to be with them. The intensity of these feelings and memories will fade, and your love of other things and people will take over. What you're reacting to is change. Distract, stay in the moment, and breathe.
Don't worry about your future — it will present itself in all its unexpected glory later, and likely will unfold to be the opposite of whatever you're worrying about now.
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