Skip to main content Skip to bottom nav
understandingCamp1248
12,079 M Pacing Forward 7
PathStep 8 Compassion hearts226 Forum posts52 Forum upvotes60 Current upvotes60 Age GroupAdult Last activeDecember, 2020 Member sinceJune 3, 2018
Recent forum posts
Bad Day :(
Personality Disorders Support / by understandingCamp1248
Last post
 September 25th, 2020
...See more I had one of the worse days in a long time with my BPD. I had this experience where I felt rejected by this thing, so tiny. I began to split and spiraled. I've been doing well for a long time. I am in therapy and medication. I am trying to be more aware of my feelings and their importance. But yesterday I felt like I was drowning. I was conscious about it, possibly for the first time. My denial was gone. I tried to say. It is only discomfort and I can take this but I felt like I was dying. I felt alone. I felt crazy for the first time ever. I felt like I could not explain what I experienced and noone could understand. So now I am here trying to validated myself and be compassionate. Saying to myself rationally this is progress. I would like to use common humanity knowing I'm not the only one. Maybe it makes me feel better wishing I was because I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone.
Alone
Personality Disorders Support / by understandingCamp1248
Last post
 July 15th, 2020
...See more I've been feeling alone. Covid makes me feel more isolated. I'm home and not currently working. Many of my few relationships ended before this so I'm lonely. I still have 1 or 2 but they don't show up for me the way that I want sometimes. I don't want to chase love anymore or accept what I'm given and feel lucky. It's a hard time to meet people and wither way I'm scared to repeat my ways of self-sabatoge. Behaving in ways that are not acceptable or selecting the same types of people and trying to change the outcome. I'm overwhelmed. People in my life don't make me feel seen and I guess much of this need is for me to learn to fill. 🙏
Abandonment Wound
Personality Disorders Support / by understandingCamp1248
Last post
 July 8th, 2020
...See more I spoke to my therapist and we have been discussing my abandonment wound. To realize I've felt this way since I've known myself. How abusive my mother was and how it was disguised as love. How alone I felt in that house, until my both parents actually left before I was a teen. It was painful to say out loud and to admit to myself. How repression was needed for my daily life. To get out of bed and face anyone because I couldn't cope with things well and felt I wasn't good at socializing with other kids. The amount of shame. How exhausted I feel, as I clean up all of this when I didn't create it. I am angry and sad at the same time. Im afraid to be alone. Not the moment they leave but the long drawn out painful silence I feel after. However, here I go again. To perseverance and hope for tomorrow to be a better day......
The Witch Mother (Christine Ann Lawson Ph.D)
Trauma Support / by understandingCamp1248
Last post
 March 10th, 2020
...See more I've written before about me being in therapy. So I have started discussing my mother. I have gone no contact with her recently due to abuse. It's like she is a different person to who I remember. I can see what she is doing. Being controlling, aggressive or putting me down. I always used to say we were dysfunctional but I didn't realize or really accept the extent of the abuse. We are using this book to understand and heal from my childhood. To accept the trauma and go on a new trajectory. Have healthier attachment. However since that session I've been so sad. The emptiness I tend to feel and run from seems so large. It feels like it is taking me whole. Noone believes I was abused. We seem too middle class. Too normal on the outside. I feel so alone. Also, the traits she seems to have �are a bit on the sadistic side which is surprising to me but shouldn't be. But she has a turn. She is the " Good Mother." Then turns into this particular category. She always used to say to be kind and I think she believes she is. She isn't going to stop hurting me. My heart is broken. I know I'm on the right path. Healing and facing this. Trying to be here in the moment, but......this feeling. � [Edited by @QuietMagic 11/20/21 to remove stigmatizing content]
Trauma Therapy
Personality Disorders Support / by understandingCamp1248
Last post
 January 31st, 2020
...See more I am in therapy. It has been helping me a lot to deal with daily life. To improve many of my coping and life skills. I'm going to start discussing trauma today. I feel so much pain right now, even thinking about talking about it. I'm not comfortable talking to my therapist about how I feel, about ascepts of myself. I don't know if I'm embarrassed or judging myself. If I think she is judging me from a clinical perspective. Therapy is too expensive to avoid this. I need to rip it out like a band aid. Stop dancing around the issue. I hate this so much. However, I'm getting older. I want to not be ruminating, maintain relationships better and cope better. Learn to love myself in a deeper way. I just feel like it's a rabbit hole and it keeps getting deeper. I keep splitting thinking about this. I feel so resistant to reveal these parts of myself, even if the purpose is healing. I'm going to get through today. I need to get through today🙏
Lonely...
Personality Disorders Support / by understandingCamp1248
Last post
 February 1st, 2020
...See more Hey. I used to have a few close friends and long term boyfriends. Lately I've been having trouble creating and maintaining the types of relationships I was used to having when I was younger. People like me but I feel like creating an inner circle seems to be difficult. Maintaining is worse. I'm lonely for real conversation. What is really going on with me. What interests me. My remaining friends. Maybe I'm too codependent and overwhelming. I feel like I'm always chasing love and having to earn it. I know deep down inside despite achievements and on paper things I feel that I'm not deserving. Very difficult childhood. Abusive parents and bullying. I'm in therapy. I have a good job. I'm supposedly doing well for what I've been through. Still I crave intimacy so badly. I feel like I don't have close people to support me while I'm trying to improve. It's so hard. My moods are a lot to process. I'm trying to be careful of who I let in and have calm for once in my life. I'm ready to be happy but I've been in this rut for years. Feels like forever and like it will be forever. Trying to sit here in the moment. Hoping it will pass. Feels good to even say it out loud. 🙏
The Cycle
Personality Disorders Support / by understandingCamp1248
Last post
 November 19th, 2019
...See more I am in therapy. It has helped my regulation a lot. However I have been splitting recently. Alienating people and withdrawn. My relationships don't seem to be as strong I'd like them to be after I invest. My family does not "believe" in mental illness. So it's a cycle of having to feel guilty I'm don't feel great, hiding it, pretending to be well-adjusted, shaming and being discredited for anything I dont agree with. It's hard because I'm trying to get better. I need support. I dont wanna feel guilty because this feeling exists and I am the way I am. I just want to address it. But instead I have to feel bad because "I handled things differently than other people" people who had it worse. This is my response. I'm so depressed I dont wanna go to work. I dont wanna end up in crisis. I wanna address everything while I'm still functional but I'm taken seriously when I'm in crisis and maybe that's part of the attraction. Anyways, having a bad day. A couple of bad days. Trying to make it through.
Search more from @understandingCamp1248
Talk to an expert therapist
Life can be challenging at times and reaching out for help can be difficult. It...
Talk to Brooke Now
Badges & Awards
29 total badges
Hand Shake Linked Quintet Super Active Chief Chat Honest Voice Confident Voice Power Voice Strong Start Milestone Journeying Strong Reconnect Walking Together Lifting Up First Post Reaching out Helping out Appreciated Voice Contributor Community First Compassion Helpful heart Kindness personified Loving Soul Bundled Group Friend Forum Friend Meaghan's Heart Strong Bond I
Report an issue