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rainmakerhere
407 M Embraced 3
PathStep 15 Compassion hearts32 Forum posts8 Forum upvotes16 Current upvotes16 Age GroupAdult Last activeJune, 2024 Member sinceSeptember 29, 2023
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OSFED•SH•who knows what else lmao

Recent forum posts
Tw
Eating Disorder Support / by rainmakerhere
Last post
 July 9th
...See more Yesterday I purged again agter more than a year. I didn't tell anyone that. I don't want this ed anymore, someone shoo it away pleeeaseee ;P
Finally understood why I love angst
Depression Support / by rainmakerhere
Last post
 June 21st
...See more I must have wasted like a fifth of my entire lifetime reading angsty stories full of sad pity-invoking characters, stories in which someone in need of help receives such help, not to mention they get the love they wish they had. And now, after so many years I understand why I love them so much, why I seek comfort in them. These characters, to put it simply, are miserable. They receive love only ever through other people's pity, because they can't love theirselves enough to create relationships and receive it in the "hard" way. It is a dynamic that clearly stems from great insecurity and self-hate, one so profound that a person can only blindly beg the world to be somehow seen and "saved". But I can't be that person. I can't be that character. Because at the end, when it all gets worse once you decided that you "liked" getting worse, nobody is actually there to help, because you kicked everyone away. No, the right way to receive love is the hard way, and that means loving yourself. Working on yourself, and therefore putting effort in the way you treat others, feeling empathy for youself and others, putti g effort in the things you do, not merely letting yourself go to your own sadness and guilt. You should love yourself as an act of love towards others, in other words. And angsty characters have no care for others, not really. They like to wallow in their angst, feeling secure in it, never having to take a step forward. And I simply cannot be that anymore.
The loop repeats 🎶🎶 (vent)
Eating Disorder Support / by rainmakerhere
Last post
 November 21st, 2023
...See more So. I might (might) have just gotten to my highest weight of <edited for weight by KristenHR> after a week of binging. Now I'm a freaking hippo even more than I was before (not even sure I can write this here lol). Aand I may have just taken <edited for # by KristenHR> laxes just to make myself feel better (can I write this?). Isn't it just amazing? :D I don't know what to do anymore, not even sure I want to do anything at all. Maybe life is just living through this sh1t and everyone just pretends they don't feel it. Who am I to judge?
I think I'm gettingg worse?
Depression Support / by rainmakerhere
Last post
 October 13th, 2023
...See more I think I've been having depressive episodes sonce I was 9, but in recent years they are changing. When I was younger I'd be sad in a constant way, but it was a lot more bearable. Nowadays I have very intense and very random episodes which leave me feeling utterly defenceless towards life, not wanting do to pretty much anything. The main difference is that now I'm able to feel really happy again, even if only in certain moments, like while doing sports. And yet when it comes back it's like a punch in my face, bringing me down and stopping me from living normally, a lot worse than it did before, and I really dom't know if I can stand it. I'm a different person than I was before. Learning about mental disorders made me realise that I mustn't listen to my self-destructing ways, and I now want to be better, healthier. And yet it's too much sometimes, too often, too soon. I'm tired of looking for ways to be normal, to get to a weight I desire, of never feeling enough for anything or anyone. Having said this, what I would really like to understand is wether it is normal or not to have had such a random change in the way I perceive my episodes. I'd love to hear about other people's experiences, or even if anybody could suggest some book to read that might answer my questions :)
!!Vent! An experience with edtwt (and OSFED)
Eating Disorder Support / by rainmakerhere
Last post
 September 30th, 2023
...See more So. In the course of six years I hated my body so bad I alternated restrictive behaviours to binges, purges and a lot of messy stuff which only led to keeping my barely normal weight constant. And now, in the course of merely two months I decided to follow a full-ana diet, only to change two weeks later into my "final" decision: I am now working for a body who is physically strong and active, and, of course, skinny, but not in an excessive way. Now 💀 only a few months ago, I had found out of edtwt through a forum and decided to get in it. They (we?) are a geoup of pro-ana and pro-mia people, essentially, pushing people to make the decision to lose weight in unhealthy ways. And I was so sure I wanted to acheive that, too. What changed for me was trying sports again, for a mere hour. I liked the way I felt after. I felt stronger, and it felt good. I hadn't done a martial art since I was a child, I didn't remember how good it felt, I didn't understand how good doing sports makes you feel. Of course, this didn't solve my problems entitely. But damn, I'd like to show all those people in edtwt that ed's are just not the answer. Starving yourself won't make you happy, because it's phisically impossible. Strive for balance, and your body will reward you with a great amount of hormones that will make you feel better. At least that's the plan for now. Perhaps when you start feeling phisically better, your mind will work more efficiently too, and you'll get a grip on your life. That's what I hope. That's what I must do right now. Tomorrow's a different day, with new opportunities. see you on the other side. p.s. edtwt is just a bunch of people talking about stuff they know nothing about. I was a greatly active part of it, literally giving suggestions I myself knew nothing about. I mean it, it's useless, and a crazy idea.
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