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intelligentTriangle9234
447 M Embraced 3
PathStep 12 Compassion hearts11 Forum posts9 Forum upvotes2 Current upvotes2 Age GroupAdult Last activeAugust, 2019 Member sinceJuly 22, 2018
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Just a girl doing her best to become so much more.
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I don't trust myself...
Relationship Stress / by intelligentTriangle9234
Last post
 July 23rd, 2018
...See more Why?.. Why does my brain work this way? I don't want to think/feel this, but I do. They say the best thing you can do is be accepting- let the thoughts/emotions happen, accept that you have them, and figure out how to interpret or adapt from them. It's almost funny- the way the human mind works. I've had my fair share of crappy relationships; one of which is now a fresh divorce after two years and a child. (Not for sympathy, but the history is important) Now, I have the most amazing, supportive, understanding PARTNER (keyword: partner) that I have ever had the blessing of forming a relatinship with, and I am constantly littered with doubts and insecurities. After subjecting myself to years of being ignored, unappreciated, and silenced, I no longer know how to value myself. Since the divorce, I have spent the past 10 months trying to rediscover my identity, but the fear of who I am not being enough traps me in my own mind. My partner is the most empathetic, attentive listener who places such a high value on communication and mental health and understanding. And yet, I'm still afraid to tell him of how I feel sometimes. I don't want to ALWAYS seem weak or emotionally needy because I dont think I'm enough... Rather, I think that his REAL love is so foreign and overwhelming to be that I don't know how to ever feel worthy. I want to give my best and continue to get better every day, yet the invasive thoughts still find a way to creep in. "What if it's all fake?" "What if he's just with you for the sex?" "What if you get tired of him and stop caring, just like everyone else?" "Why should he pick you? There are prettier, more confident girls?"..... The tirade goes on and on until I feel so guilty for thinking such negative thoughts about him because I know he loves me. I can feel it, I can see it in his eyes, I know it with all I have. So, why do I still do this? Time and time again? Why cant I just be loved and be happy? Why do I feel the impending doom that I'm going to mess it up even thought I dont want to? (Woah... sorry for the word vomit.. It started with one thought and kind of just exploded.)
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