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*ALL NAMES LISTED HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE INDIVIDUALS MENTIONED*
So, I’m in my 30’s and I have bariatric surgery about three months ago. In that time I have already lost a lot of weight and a lot of changes have been made, not only physically but mentally as well. I have dropped about 240 since Spring 22 and about 50 since my surgery.
The bariatric program I was part of did a great job preparing me for the physical aspect of the weight loss but not so much on the mental. It has been a real struggle. I’ve started to gain the attention of a lot of women, some men (I’m straight). And while that has been cool it can also be overwhelming. Well, a woman, let’s call her Mia. Her and I have been getting a little closer. We have known each other since Summer 2021. In that time it was always small and casual chit chat. But last summer (22), we exchanged numbers and started to talk outside of her place of her work (that’s how we met). Fast forward to March 2023, I got to see her the day before my surgery and let her know about it. About two weeks after my surgery she contacted me to see how I was doing. She said she had been thinking about me the entire time. This was great and very new for me. Ever since then we have gotten closer and even hung out.
The issue I am having now has nothing to do with her doing anything bad, wrong, or messed up. I recently ended a friendship that was super toxic and lasted for about 20 years! Let’s call him Jeff. In that toxic relationship, Jeff would be the kind that texts from sun up to sundown and it was mostly just nonsense. He is a very codependent person and it’s really, really bad! When we would hangout, it would be for 8-12 hours in a single day and it mostly consisted of just driving around and really doing nothing but waste gas. He would complain a lot about everything in his life.
The problem I am having now and recognizing is how toxic that friendship was with Jeff. I am carrying over those toxic traits into my friendship with Mia and I didn’t even realize it until recently. Her and I do not text all the time, we do not hangout all the time. When we do hangout it’s only for a couple hours at most. When we text, it’s not super long or anything like it was with Jeff. And that has been hard for me to adjust to, having a healthy, adult friendship that is not codependent. It has brought out insecurities I have had. The thing that baffles me is the things that Jeff did would would annoy the crap out of me and here I am almost doing the same thing, just not his extreme.
I do have an attraction to Mia and she is fully aware and it has not hindered the friendship. She’s pretty amazing. Most women in her position would have just ghosted me or split after the feelings I told her I had for her.
What all of this tells me is I need more friends in my life or more things to do. Because my head gets to that place where I feel I need to be codependent on her, that her and I need to talk everyday, that we need to hang for hours and hours. This all comes from the toxic friendship I had with Jeff. I recognize that it is not fair me to put Mia through this because of the crap I went through. I want a healthy relationship with her, if that happens, if anything a healthy friendship.
Since I have been losing the weight my energy levels have boosted and I always want to be out doing something, but I want to do it with someone. I’ve lived so much of my life alone and on the sidelines and I’m sick of it. It’s harder to meet people and make friends in my 30’s and it’s understandable. People have lives, spouses, kids, etc. So, it’s understandable.
Can anyone relate to this stuff I have mentioned?
