...See more
Hi, first, i'm not native in English but I found myself more relieved when I use it to vent, so sorry if I make some mistakes writing in this language.
I feel lonely, I'm going to explain my situation to you to feel better and feel listened.
I'm 19, about 5 days ago was my birthday and I cried a lot alone thinking that i was so coward to make this age... Exactly, coward, it no makes sense but for me in that moment... Yes, I thought that i was coward for not having the courage to su*cide. Did you listen to the song "Redecorate" from Twenty One Pilots? you should, I'm very grateful because that give me hope and makes me think that I have to be here in life for my family and friends
I have a big problem that I still don't understand, I have lack of memories, I don't remember almost everything about me before the sixth grade of primary school. Really, and I lost a lot of memories from my high school. I just remember (and not totally) my last year in school. But still, doesn't makes sense for me because I'm a good student, I remember math formulas, practical things for my currently studying career but my life... Is like Im losing more and more memories passing the years. In my last year of school I didn't go because I had a very hard surgery, so I was in hospital and then recovering from that in my house until 6 months after school started. I found a boyfriend from my school in that time and we dated for about 2 years, then I felt I was a bad girl for him, cause panick attacks, su*cide attempts so I decided to break up with him. And that also broke me, so many times I wrote him when I was about to su*cide... So I felt a bad person, very bad person.
And I don't know when it started. In my memories, I always (since I was 3 or 4 years old I suppose) bite my nails, not just nails, also the skin around nails and I make me bleed. My mom always shout at me for that but when it happens I'm not aware of that, is unconscious. All my life I was very afraid of other seeing my hands, so I was always stressful to hide them even for my family. I cry a lot for that, I'm disappointed on me for not being able to control that bad habit. My ex boyfriend helps me a lot in this, he said me that nothing was wrong with my hands, but I still was afraid that he thought that it was disgusting.
When we were in pandemic and I had virtual classes, a day my parents fought, I have two sisters, older and younger, and none of them were in house, just me so I was the only one who knew about it at that time. My mom hit my dad and was very mad on him because she found that my father was cheating on her, and not just that, he had a family in Spain (I'm from South America) and she was 2 or 3 years more than me. I was really shocked, that ruined my confidence on him, and makes me feel super bad. My mom fall into depression but we weren't aware of that... And maybe I also fall into that. Then in months they pretend there was nothing wrong but they still have a bad relationship while they said me not to tell my older sister, not to tell anybody so I save my feeling and anxieties for myself. We even went on a trip and my parents fought on the car (and we almost caused an accident) but I was doing a lot to prevent my younger sister to know, she was too little. But the day came and they couldn't stay like that. In Christmas the fought a lot and everyone in my family knew the truth. I was devastated, I thought on su*cide but I wanted to be there for my little sister so I didn't do it.
In my birthday, they fought, and there were a lot of foughts, that was terrible even when my dad apologize to me and my sisters. A day my dad said he was going to work, so me and my older sister went to the cinema, and in the hall, we saw my dad shopping with a woman and a little boy so I almost cry but no... We went to ask for money and then we went to the cinema, we came back to home and he was there making like nothing happened. So we decided and we throw all his things to the street and he went out with his car and about a month we didn't listened about him... That was super painful for everyone, more for my mom... I cried a lot even when I remembered that. My parents never married so there wasn't need to divorce, so they just separated. My dad give money to my mom but my mom had to work to make more and we can live like before that... I was sick and I needed medical attention, a surgery, everything was bad. I cried every f*cking night thinking that i can't live, that if I die, my mom doesn't need to keep working... My older sister pass the dies out of the house because she was sad, she spend her time with her friends and that but I felt alone, very alone, i couldn't say how I was to anybody so I suffer a lot, even when my sister cried, I had to pretend to be strong, even for my mom, who cried a lot, she took pills for depression and that, even she had panick attacks and one su*cide attempt, but I had to be there to calm her because no one couldn't do it except for me.
I hate to pretend to be strong when in reality I was so weak. I had to have that surgery (and the government paid a lot for that) and make worried to my mom, I hate that, also my mom was complaining my dad in front of me always and she remembered me every time that he wasn't in the hospital for me, that he didn't pay her the monthly payment and that. Still, I recovered from my surgery well (currently I have minor health problems) and the pills for my menstrual colics make me depressed. I was very bad in mental health and nobody noticed. I broke up with my boyfriend and I was devastated but even that my mom didn't know (I told her that I was dating when we had a year) so I hide that from her for a lot of time because I didn't want to worry her.
I'm currently in my second year of university and I have many more friends but I still feel super bad, even when I want to tell them about how I fell I instinctively laugh or smile a lot, it's like my body can't give signals that I'm very bad. The sea calms (a little bit) and my dad came back to my house but he still is separated from my mom, I started to have anxiety attacks and cry at every night again. I found months ago that my dad have a son and a daughter more, even a granddaughter, that's... I don't know, I feel very sad for just me knowing that, I still don't recognize again him as my father, it's like he is a very distinct person after everything that passed...
Yesterday I cry a lot and I ... Cut myself and I don't wanna do it again (I did it so bad in my school years) but I don't know how to seek for help, I just can't. Also, I decided to not contact my ex again (since he wronged my birthday and I feel so sad about it) and I can't tell him how I fell, also I feel I'm a selfish person if I contact him to ask for help so I just vent here...
That's all, thanks if you read that... I'm willing to look forward and don't lose hope.
