I just self harmed for the first time and it felt like such a relief. I really hate the fact that I've come to this point in my life. Why is this?

Self harm release these little things called endorphins in you brain. What that means is that it gives you a burst of energy or relief. There are many other ways to get the same release of endorphins aside from self-harm. You could find a hobby you enjoy, go for a run, watch a happy movies, talk with friends, or even try a new recipe. If you need something on the fly though, you could always try holding an ice cub in your hand instead. There are other ways to put these strong emotions that you are feeling to use. I am glad that you took the first step in reaching out!

Self harm is temporary relief. It gives you a high because it is a pain that you can control. However, all escape mechanisms have this tendency to be required more and more for the same effect. After a point, the relief is obsolete. You hate this because it goes against everything you believe in. The important thing is to find alternatives- talking, painting, music and most of all maintaining a routine and a gratitude journal helps ( according to my personal experience). Once you learn not to judge your actions but rather learn and grow from them, they will evolve into healthier, happier actions.