How do you process the effects your family and parents have had on who you are, without blaming them for your problems?

I still haven't actually learned how to stop blaming and resenting my parents for what problems I have in my life right now. But one thing that really helped me was actually moving to college. I know that not everyone has that opportunity, but getting some space from my parents has really helped me to see that they only wanted the best for me, and didn't necessarily know how to give me what I needed in my life because of their own upbringings. What's important to remember is that they are products of their time, just as you are, and some parents don't always know what their kid needs. Talking with your parents about what's bothering you really helps, especially if you do so in a constructive manner. Setting boundaries and learning what you like to do and what you enjoy can really help you find who you are outside of your parents' influence. Blame and resentment are never easy to overcome. A lot of times, the root of the problem is simply communication. If communication isn't an option, try simply finding somewhere or something that you can go to or do to learn who you are and what you want to do in your life.

That’s a great question. We are definitely formed and influenced by our families, but they don’t define who we are. It’s great that you want to stay away from blame, as it is completely counterproductive. I think it often takes a life time of work to realize what parts of ourselves are shaped and influenced by our family and our parents. I think it’s healthy to acknowledge that sometimes our unhealthy ways of coping with things are often related to those early influences. Take stock of the things in your life, choices and decisions that you are making, and then ask yourself the hard questions. For instance, if you felt insecure as a child, are you hanging on to those insecurities as an adult? It is only when we truly examine these pieces of who we are that we can start to make positive changes toward who we want to be.

Processing who you are without blaming your parents for any problems comes with time and acceptance. Accepting that experiences influence who you become but will never completely define who you are- just mold you. Parents are people at the end of the day. They've raised their children based on the principles that they believe was their best at that very time. How we are affected with their decisions will influence our thought problems immensely. Some problems we would like to blame on our parents, however accepting those problems and working through them in an honest effort everyday makes all the difference. Being self aware realizing we have a problem that only we are capable of addressing before trying to place the blame on our parents to soften and deflect the pain we are feeling.

Reclaiming my agency, develop my inner resources so I can care for myself in the now and present instead of blaming them, develop kindness/understanding that they were suffering themselves, also cultural context at the time without minimizing the effect of what they did. Also focus on the now and present, instead of wishing that the past did not happened (wasted energy, futile effort). If necessary, enlist the help of a trained professional in a therapeutic modal that fits me (CBT is the therapy du jour but it is probably not for everybody). Also mindfulness is du jour but also may not be for everybody.