Why do I keep going back to my toxic relationship?

495 Answers Moderated by Smita Joshi, BA Psychology / MA / Advanced EFT Practitioner Updated: Jun 11, 2022

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Anonymous on Mar 16, 2015

I keep going back to my toxic relationship because its comfortable. I know him, I understand him, and he understands me. He tells me its different this time. That he's changed and he'll try harder and it'll be so much better this time around, and because I trust him, I come back, expecting a change. The change never happens though, as the old routine comes back slowly but surely, and soon you're back where you started. So you end it again but he comes right back with the words you hear every time but also believe every time, and you take him back, knowing deep down that it'll come back to you being hurt, but not caring because in those moments he gives you the attention and love you deserve. And thats enough for the time being. 

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Anonymous on Sep 24, 2016

Because you are a caring, considerate person, who likes to see the best in everything. You don't like to give up, especially on something you love so dearly. That's okay, because that shows resilience and loyalty, You don't run  away when times get tough. The problem is that you're not showing this care and consideration to yourself, and if it's toxic, the other person isn't showing it to you, and possibly towards themselves too. They take your good nature for granted. They feel that you will always be there for them no matter what...until one day, you aren't. It isn't because you don't want to be, because once you love someone, that's it, you can't undo it. Its because you've reached your limit, you've given all that you could and now you're empty, and have little to give. Your  tolerance levels waver, and soon it all becomes your fault because you allowed it before, and now you're not allowing it. It confuses them. You're not who they thought you were. They overlook that you have withstood a lot of pain, torture and confusion, all in the name of love for them. They don't quite see what you've gone through to let them live how they're like. In their heads, you chose to do that, so they believe they are not at fault. In your head, that's just how you love. Toxic relationships inhabit a lot of confusion, pain and suffering - more than you should deal with. If it doesn't feel right, cut yourself off. You decide your worth and how you're treated, not someone else. You deserve someone who sees the good traits of you, not someone who sees them as easily manipulated and disposable. You deserve someone who gives you just the right amount of love and care back. 

Expert approved by Lisa Meighan, MSc Psychology

gt17 on Oct 2, 2016

You may keep going back to your toxic relationship because toxic relationships oftentimes are the ones that feel the most passionate, and you feel like you can't find that passion with someone else.

Anonymous on Apr 12, 2017

The lack of answer to that question baffles me completely. I am simply unable to keep my resolve of keeping away and at the same time have no valid reason to go back to the person who has made me an emotional wreck. I am confused at my feelings that oscillates between light headed passionate love to deep hard hatred. I feel he makes my world and then can see him tearing it to bits. Every morning I speak to myself. Show myself how he is harming me. I have stopped growing as a person because I am so busy hating him.but one kind word can dissolve all my resolve and I go back to him to be kicked again.  He cheats and lies. He lies to himself too. And believes those lies. I can see all that but am unable to cut myself away. I am helpless.

AmberLeigh33 on Jan 6, 2017

I don't want to sound harsh in saying this, but you're not confident enough in what you have to offer to realize that you deserve better and move forward, leaving this person and relationship in the past, to risk being alone for a while until you find someone worthy of you. 

Make a list of the things you offer someone in a relationship. Then make a list of the things you want/need in a relationship. Then list the things this person offers you in a relationship. The things that this person and relationship offer you... do they match the things that you can offer and that you need in a relationship? If not, you need to take some serious time to decide if you are worthy of those things that you want to offer to someone else, and if you deserve those things that you want/need in a relationship. Sometimes, the most amazing thing you can do for yourself is to choose yourself. Yeah, you will feel sad and lonely if you leave this person and this relationship, because it's familiar and, despite your frustrations with it, you have a level of investment in this person and relationship that you don't want to have "wasted". One of the most amazing feelings in the world is to be able to decide that you are the only person who has control over your happiness... not your partner, not your relationship, not your family... just you. If you're in a place that you aren't happy in, then it is YOUR responsibility to advocate for yourself and choose a path that will solely benefit you and your happiness... even if that path seems a little more treacherous at the beginning. 

sarper on Aug 3, 2015

When we are in a toxic relationship, it eventually becomes comfortable/normal just like any other thing in life that we experience often. This is why breaking away (for good) is very difficult. We go back because at the end of the day, it's the thing we know best. When we give ourselves enough time to decompress from a toxic relationship, only then do we start to understand just how harmful it was. Giving yourself time takes an immense amount of strength though, and it helps to have a good support system around you. Toxic relationships can be overcome!

Paradox42 on Jul 12, 2016

Alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, all toxic, yet all addicting. A toxic relationship is as hard to quit as any of the above. Give it time, it won't be easy, but in the end, it's better, healthier, safer. You haven't lost until you've won. Don't give up. 

Anonymous on Nov 11, 2016

I think there are multiple reasons. For me, it was already a long relationship which I kept feeling still deserves a fair chance, because I did not want all those years to have gone to waste, because it was familiar and there was no one else that close to me. Because I did not think I would ever end up with anyone else. Because I thought everyone has to compromise in relationships, this is where I can compromise. For a long time I thought that I can accept the toxicity of this relationship in my life because I need the good parts it seems to promise. 

Anonymous on Oct 6, 2016

I used to keep going back to my toxic relationship(s) because I didn't like feeling alone, and I think I secretly, and shamefully, liked the drama. It gave me something to feel like I had a purpose to fight for, or against. Sometimes, it was because I genuinely thought that this person was worth fighting through all that for. At times there was also something appealing about a toxic but exciting relationship, while now I just see it as a lesson and experience to grow upon.

Anonymous on Feb 15, 2016

You might be co-dependent, a ''people pleaser'', and have learned this pattern early on in life. Remember to meet your own needs first and that you're just as important as everyone else. I know it feels exciting but it's not a healthy way of living. This person is pulling on your strings/emotional wounds, making you react and act in a way that you're used to - a typical pattern that you learned in your childhood. Try to understand what it is you're avoiding and why you find this person interesting.