How to answer a grown son who says I have ruined his life? His siblings disagree. I have been a good father to each of them. He has a victim complex and has always blamed others for his problems. How can I have him see I love him?

I think that it's important to understand and accept how he is feeling and what factors may lead him to feel that way. Has he been going through a hard relationship with someone else, moved out recently, or something else that may be effecting him and his mental health. It's important to remember that he could just be angry at something and not really mean it. It is important to listen to his reasons for saying that and perhaps ask him what you can do to make him not feel like this way. I wouldn't take what he is saying to heart as it doesn't necessarily mean you are a terrible father.

I understand what you are going through. It can be hard to deal with someone who has a "victim mindset" especially if they at times blame you for their problems. If you want to show your son you are there for him, it could be good to encourage and support him to change his mentality. When you want to help someone leave the mindset of a victim, it is important that the person is willing to change. I know sometimes you can't really help a victim that wants to stay a victim. Just like in many situations you can't force someone to change or do something that they themselves are not willing to do. Also, if you want to show him that you are there for him, you can hear him out and validate how he is feeling. However, validating his feelings is not the same as agreeing with him. When you validate his feelings you are demonstrating that you've heard him. For example, you can validate his feelings by saying, "I can see this really affects you" or "I see this really upsets you." In this way he can feel heard and you can continue a discussion from there. However, if they continue to play the victim, then you can set up a boundary if their behavior affects you when they act this way towards you.

This is a heavy loaded question and it is difficult to answer with limited information. The first step is to try and understand why your son has this victim complex. It's not something someone is born with. Understanding the why is crucial to trying to work through it. Avoid using the word victim around him. Instead, try and talk through individual situations to see where the feelings he's experiencing are coming from. Next, I understand this may be extremely hurtful for you, as you mentioned you have been a good father. I don't want you to have your life negatively impacted because of how he reacts. Make sure to develop healthy boundaries with your son to limit the way it can affect you. As for having him see the love you have for him? All we can do is show it and say it. It may take time. But I truly believe delving into why he's feeling like a victim in the first place is a strong start. Showing you care about why he feels that way is, in fact, a great way to show love. If it does get to a point where the victim complex is affecting his everyday life, you may want to entertain seeking professional help for him, if he is willing.

This one is so hard on so many levels. We can't find answers from others (ie his siblings), it's his life (feelings & relationship) with you. Has he ever told you how you ruined his life or why he feels this way? Having 3 boys, relatively close in age, I am still amazed at how different they are. It is extremely hard as a parent when our way of seeing things (thinking & feeling) are different from our kids-especially when we don't realize it. That said, you can't force him to see you love him. You can only keep trying to show him &/or see if he will work on things with you (by perhaps telling you how you ruined his life or why he feels this way). A lot of times, teenagers especially, say this to make a point or hurt us. They are angry or seeking attention. The question is why. I might add that if he does open up to you about it, do not get defensive. It is hard to admit when we do something wrong, especially when we either did not even notice it, or we see how deeply it affected our children, but we do all make mistakes. Our parenting style alone gets us in it at times. I was sarcastic & joking with my kids. It worked well with 2 of them & I thought it was reciprocal with all 3, only to find out later that I hit one of them hard during a time he was very sensitive & he never told me til later. Parenting is never easy & it is never ending. All we can do is love them & keep trying the best we can.