Moderated by
Andrea Tuck, LCPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
I tackle and discuss a multitude of social and emotional health issues. I have a belief that through empowerment and non-judgmental support clients' can thrive.
Top Rated Answers
When you go through a breakup, it's common to think about the "what ifs". You can think about what you did in the relationship, and see if you can change anything. But often, when you do breakup, it's not your fault and you shouldn't think like that. But everyone thinks that it's them that there is something wrong, that it's why they broke up. But it's mostly because of timing or because feelings change.
After a break up it's natural to think about all the things that you did wrong or that you could have done better. I think this is because when you love someone is hard to pick out their flaws and your wrong doings. People tend to look for the best in who they love and are the hardest on themselves. This is a dangerous combination during a break up. Its important to take a step back and look at the relationship as a whole from both sides.
People blame themselves because in your heart you believed it could of worked. So you Blame yourself and act like it was your fault and that you could of done something more to keep it going. But the truth is that if it was going to work nothing will tear y'all apart.
Cause you always think that other person loved you and you could not reciprocate the love towards them. But actually in most cases, if people are in love, true love, any kind of mistakes can be erased like washing dust with water.
You have lack of confidence and have inferiority complex. You over think and not able to analyze the situation and reason of breakup
I blamed myself for forever. then i realized that you can't control someone else's actions. you can only be the best form of you,
It's easy to fall into a self destructive pattern, so don't beat yourself up too hard for it. "What ifs" thoughts like "what if I did this, said this.." are often interwoven in all areas of our lives. Just be aware of such thoughts and evaluate if you are worthy of such a blame. Just know that a relationship involves two people, and similarly a break up. Thus, when an ending of a relationship occurs, understand that two people are accountable, not just one.
Anonymous
January 22nd, 2017 2:22am
Because you are too kind, you always take the blame on yourself because you don't see the bad things in other people and even if you do you try to come up with a thing that you have done and end up blaming your self and forgiving them.You do this so that you wont hate the other person. Because you are too sweet that you don't see the faults in other.
In the heat of the moment, when our emotions run rampant, we are not thinking clearly. Our minds are racing and in order to save a relationship we automatically admit to problems even if it's not our fault. When you love the person, doing anything to salvage something shows you care. Blaming yourself only means that you were vested, and because of the pain of the breakup, resorting to beating yourself up is a normal thing but over time as the emotions fade and you're in a clearer state of mind, the TRUE reasons of why you broke up become clear, whether it was your fault or not. We're human, we make mistakes.
maybe simply because we dont want to blame our partner that we love so much...
we don't want to accept that they might be wrong at some point
Its because I maybe trying to look for excuses to make up again with my partner, coming down a peg or two, to make him or her happy and forgiving.
Try to remember that a relationship is something between two people. It is about how you shared your days and feelings. What I mean is that you are not the only one there, it was a change between What each of you could give To the other. Do not be so hard on yourself. There is no guilty, but maybe a dinamic which wasn’t working anymore. Life is about being constantly changing and dealing with all changes. And if gets difficult...For it, we listeners are here :) count on us.
Always remember the breakup was done for a reason and whatever the reason is respect it and move on. Blaming yourself for it is just a way for you to hold on and not move forward.
In a breakup there are two sides, both of them caused the breakup. It is impossible for the blame to be entirely on you, yet since you are most aware of your own actions it is easy to blame yourself, especially if you forgive the other side. Also, the second stage of grief is pain and guilt, and we often go through it in a breakup.
In any breakup, both people are responsible; you are responsible for your actions, and the other person is responsible for theirs. If you are taking credit for more than your own behavior, you're ignoring your former partner's ability to make choices for them self.
People tend to always look back on almost anything and point out what they could’ve done better. They say hindsight is 20/20 but I believe it’s a lot worse than that. One of the biggest parts of moving on is learning how to accept your role in a relationship and to see beyond the self-doubt. No relationship is ever black-and-white rarely can it ever be just one person who caused the break up. In a relationship, it usually takes two to tango.
Anonymous
November 17th, 2015 4:12am
It may be in your nature to find yourself at fault. Remember that the majority of relationships end. It will take a lot of trial and error to find the One. Each relationship gives you the experience you need.
We tend to do that, sometimes blaming ourselves is easier than accepting what really went wrong, its part of the denial, of the bargaining. We think, "maybe if I change this about me, maybe if I act this way, the person I love will come back". And the thing is, its not always that simple.
Anonymous
April 15th, 2017 6:16pm
The reason why we choose to beat ourselves up after a breakup varies depending on the person and the relationship, however this usually leads down a path of low self-esteem and sadness. After ending a relationship it is common to look back and reflect upon the things that you would have done differently if you could look back. You may start to overanalyse things and this can lead to feelings of guilt. It is very likely that you don't want to blame the other person for the breakup and that you will end up comparing it to old breakups, looking at similarities and things that went wrong, but you tend to only focus on the things that you think you did wrong rather than looking at the whole picture.
Anonymous
November 3rd, 2016 5:07pm
Do not fret about blaming yourself, because this is something we all do. Even if your partner did something that gives you every right to blame them for the breakup, we still find a way to put the blame on us because I think it is easier to comprehend things that way. The other person can give all the reassurances they want in the world in saying that it's not you, it's them (as cliché as it may be) but at the end of the day, we're still going to feel like it's our fault because a decision was made to cut a significant someone out of someone else's life. It's in our nature to blame ourselves
Its human nature to blame oneself. I even blamed myself for my house being robbed. I didn't think of a good lock, or burglar alarm or cctv camera or bullet proofing gas panes before the burglary and therefore I was to blame, right?
Wrong.
You are not to blame for everything that happens. In fact in some situations, there is no one to blame. Sometimes things are just not meant to work out and both of you need to move on after a break up. It is no one's fault, it was just not meant to be.
Hope this helps you.
You're the only one who can find out why you blame yourself. What might help though is to remind yourself that you are a human being and that you deserve to be loved and there are always too people in a relationship. Breaking up can be hurtful but it will go by and most of the time it's nobody's fault, but people grow appart.
Anonymous
November 19th, 2017 8:48pm
Maybe you have a low self steem and you believe you were not good enough. Try to think that you did your best and if it didnt work its not your fault (:
During a breakup, two people are involved. Obviously you are going to focus on the things that you did wrong! But the important thing to remember is that everything happens for a reason. Don't blame yourself for things that were meant to happen.
You feel as if it was your fault, that you weren’t good enough for the person. Or that you didn’t give them what they needed.
Blaming yourself for things is in our nature. It does not mean, it is your fault tho. Breaking up is a two way road. And now wasting your time worrying about it won't bring you happiness, I suggest rather get yourself a cup of coffee or tea and relax, take time for yourself, believe me you will feel better
Bcuz u think u r not good enough for anything in this world...but darling u r worth ur self.. dont blame urself for anything...
Because as a human, you are innocent and have a kind heart. It’s not your fault all the time. If it was, it’s very normal because you’re only human. People make mistakes.
Goodness, how powerful are you? :-) Seriously, it takes at least two people to be in a relationship, and it takes two to break up, as well. If both of you didn't want the relationship to work, it couldn't do so. And even if both of you DID want the relationship to work, sometimes one person has a different idea about what the relationship is or should/could be than their partner does, or has different values. Even if those values aligned at the beginning of the relationship, people change.
So please, don't take all that weight on yourself. You don't deserve it.
Anonymous
May 21st, 2017 8:54am
You blame yourself because you feel pressured to make the other person happy which means when it no longer works you go over and over the situation beating yourself up and looking for faults in you personality. If the other person is unkind it reflects their personality not yours.
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