My brother is a misogynist and is violent. Im scared need advice now!
Hello everyone, this is a throwaway account. As the title says, my brother is violent and misogynistic, and I don’t know what to do anymore. I need advice urgently.
For some context, I’m 22F and live in the Netherlands, which I feel is one of the most feminist and equal countries in the world. Obviously, it’s not perfect, but we’re on the right track toward equality, and I think we just need more time. However, my 19M younger brother doesn’t seem to see things the same way.
Our family is originally from Afghanistan, but my brother and I were born here in the Netherlands. Despite being raised here, he’s developed these extremely misogynistic views, and it’s honestly terrifying to deal with.
When my brother was eight, our dad (who was very abusive) got deported. While he was awful to most of us, he was surprisingly kind to my brother. Toward the end of his time here, my dad did start changing for the better, but he was still physically abusive to everyone else.
When my dad left, my brother took it really hard. He became lost, and he didn’t have a father figure anymore. Since then, it’s mostly been us—me, my mom, and my sisters—raising him. He has five older sisters (we’re all feminists), and we’ve always tried to guide him to be a kind, non-toxic man who supports equality. Our older brother (who’s 10 years older than my younger brother) wasn’t around much because he left for university, so it was mostly up to us women.
But even from the start, he rejected everything we tried to teach him.
When he was nine, he watched an MMA fight with a Russian Muslim fighter named Zabit. Immediately after the fight, he asked my mom to take him to the library, where he borrowed a ton of books on martial arts and MMA. I begged my mom not to let him read them because I felt like martial arts was just another way for men to exert power over others, but my mom let him. He read all the books within a week.
His Obsession With Martial Arts
After that, he begged my mom to let him join a nearby wrestling school that also taught sanda (a mix of judo and kickboxing). My sisters and I all protested, but my brother wouldn’t stop crying about it and kept insisting it would be a good outlet for him. My mom finally gave in, even though we were against it.
The gym was run by a Russian Muslim coach who quickly became a father figure to my brother. The coach and his family are really religious, but they’re also extremely kind and have always treated my brother well. In fact, the coach even stepped in to attend my brother’s parent-teacher conferences because my mom (who doesn’t speak Dutch) couldn’t, and none of us had time. My brother also became best friends with the coach’s twin sons, who are his age. The three of them are inseparable and train together constantly.
But as he spent more time with them, my brother’s views started to change—and not in a good way.
By the time he was 16, he started calling himself a “stoic” and claimed he didn’t express negative emotions. He also became really vocal about being Muslim, even though the rest of us don’t practice anymore. One time, we passed by a feminist protest, and a woman asked him if he supported the cause. He flat-out said, “No, I’m a Muslim,” and kept walking.
When I asked him about it later, he said, “I don’t force my views on anyone. Women can do whatever they want as long as it doesn’t hurt others. But I’m free to make my own choices too, and I choose to follow my faith.” He also has this weird stance on abortion—he says he’s against it because of his beliefs but wouldn’t try to change the law because he doesn’t want to control women. I find this so hypocritical because my mom was told to abort him due to health risks, and she refused. He constantly praises her for that decision, but it’s not an excuse to be against abortion rights for others. He doesn't force his views on other tho. He's quite and very intimidating guy. He's like 6.5 230 built like a lion. And we can never get through to this man.
The Breaking Point.
Recently, my friend joined my brother’s gym. He works there as an instructor along with the twins, and they’re all nationally ranked fighters. But during one class, my brother refused to wrestle a girl, saying it “goes against his beliefs” to touch or even look at unrelated women in that way. His coach supported him, which makes it worse.
I don’t know what to do anymore. He’s so resistant to anything I or my sisters say, and because of his size and demeanor (he’s 6’5”, 230 pounds, and incredibly strong), it’s impossible to argue with him without feeling intimidated. My other brother has tried talking to him too, but he doesn’t think my younger brother’s views are that bad. He also has pretty privilege. He gets a way with a lot because he has this innocent smile sometimes.
I’m scared of where this is heading, and I don’t know how to get through to him. Any advice would mean a lot.
He doesn't hurt anyone or threatening to. But his views are not good right?
@unassumingOcean3070 It’s incredibly frustrating and disheartening to see someone you care about hold beliefs that feel so deeply rooted in misogyny, especially when you’ve worked hard to guide them toward kindness, equality, and understanding. Your brother’s behaviors, like refusing to wrestle with women or openly rejecting feminist values, feel like a rejection not just of your efforts but of the principles that support fairness and respect for everyone. His attachment to martial arts and his coach seems to have provided structure and guidance, but it also seems to have reinforced attitudes that clash with your values. It’s understandable to feel intimidated by his presence and unsure how to approach these conversations without fear or frustration. It’s painful to see him hold onto beliefs that undermine women’s rights, even if he claims not to impose them on others. Finding a way to challenge his views while protecting your peace is no easy task, but staying true to your own principles of equality and fairness is a strength you carry with you.
@unassumingOcean3070 kill him trust
@Dexwesley MY FAULT
@unassumingOcean3070 he is being respectful to his religion i did not read it all but he said he cant touch a woman i know for a fact that he is just following belifs
@unassumingOcean3070
I’m sorry you have had to go through this. I can’t imagine what it’s been like for you and your family, because I’ve never had to experience it.
I was raised atheist, but always taught to respect other’s religious beliefs, even if i didn’t agree with them. Religion however, is not an excuse to treat others poorly. He has no right to say misogynistic things or refuse to fight against a woman, even though she has every right to be there, just like him. I have a few muslim friends who are very supportive of women’s rights and more. Religion and human rights don’t necessarily have to contradict one another.
I think the main problem is that he has people who share his views and encourage him in his beliefs. One possibility is to try to expose him to more feminist topics. Another would be therapy. Neither are ideal, because they could reinforce his beliefs (your belief systems and core values, eg. your views on feminism, queer people, etc., are stored in a part of the brain that is very difficult to change), but they might be worth a shot. I would also definitely advise you to speak with feminist organizations in your area. They often have better ideas on how to deal with things like this. I recently joined a feminist organization, and am still learning my way around such topics and how to act in certain situations, so please don’t only take my advice, as I’m not an expert, but look for more help elsewhere.
I hope this has been helpful to you and wish you and your family luck in solving this. Once again, I advise you to talk to an organization in your area before doing anything else. I’m sorry you’re going through this, and wish you all the best.