You

Well hello! I think I just opened my laptop to legitimate dust on the keyboard. Its not the only dusty place in my house, thats for sure. Because newborn. Whos not really a newborn anymore I guess? I dont know or remember the specifics but I think he might be an infant now. Hmph.

Its been many many weeks since I came by here, which is unfortunate, but very necessary. I had forgotten (read: pushed out of my mind) how intense and rough the first three months can be after birthing a baby. They call it the 4th trimester? Shit knows I wouldnt want to continue being pregnant for another 3 months, but part of me wouldnt mind considering it if it meant these babies could come out just a tad more prepared for being alive. The gas! The reflux! For the love of Justin Timberlake, let these poor babies be fully functioning when they exit. Its sad to watch and very hard on us parents who get the babies who dont deal well with it (Harper was a baby that dealt okay with it, at least that is what my amnesia brain tells me).

Its been rough. Smith is the cutest baby alive and with great cuteness comes great responsibility to be the fussiest baby alive to even things out. His cuteness is his defense mechanism against getting sent to the cute baby circus at 3am. Slowly, s.l.o.w.l.y., things are improving but it was touch and go there for a while people. I cried when he did. We did all the things, yet nothing helped. I had days where I literally held and wore him all day while he screamed near my ears and by the time Scot got home I was at hot mess level orange and Harper was sitting in front of the television eating her third pack of fruit snacks because whatthehellever kid Im just so sorry your brother loves screaming like a banshee and your mom cries a lot. Super sorry.

Hell be 8 weeks old this weekend (okay?) and I have to say things are looking up? Like not directly up but definitely a 45 degree angle. It happened kind of suddenly last weekend when he started smiling a lot and I dont know if his reflux and his intestines decided they could smile too or what, but its been better. I feel like if this were my first baby Id be long gone by now in the abyss of my own tears and wine trying to figure out what is wrong with him and wondering if it will ever end. But Ive had one of these things before, and even though I think she was a different baby than him, I do know that all babies even out eventually and that there is a light somewhere down there. Im hanging in there because I know that. But I know there are many new moms out there in my spot who may feel alone and overwhelmed and so to you I say, you are doing amazing. This too shall pass. It will get better. It feels like it wont but it will. No one can promise when, but it will.

Ive found that as he slowly gets better, I also get better at coping. I even became able to do my research paper, althought I've already forgotten about its existance. After being out of the newborn game for so long I found myself feeling really anxious about Smith and becoming kind of neurotic about what might be wrong with him. He does have the reflux, but nothing is really wrong with him that we can fix. Hes a baby, hes new, and he cries. Some babies are just like that. It doesnt make it any easier, but coming to terms with that lifted the anxiety. Knowing that Ive done all the things I can to make him comfortable and that after that hes just going to yell if he wants to, has made my days feel easier Accepting that this time is so short in the grand scheme and that my house will be a mess and I will be a mess right now and someday maybe it wont and maybe I wont, has helped. And I cant be sure but I think my relaxing has helped him as well. Im sure he could sense my anxiety because even though they are new, babies are smart like that.

So here we are at 8 weeks and a combination of me relaxing, his insides maturing, and quite simply, time, has given me the ability to do things like eat, clean up the house, and open my computer. I get to enjoy my baby, which I feel like I was kind of robbed of for a while. I know lots of babies cry for much longer and things could be much, much worse, but I still felt that way. Sleep deprivation makes everything worse. Being a new mom is really fucking hard even in the most lovely of circumstances. Youre doing okay, and so am I.