Introduction

I am broken. No one knows from the outside but on the inside I am broken. I’ve search high and low for an answer in science, in religion, in education, in addictions, in expectations of myself. Like the Tao I find low places, ever flowing around all the rough rocks in my life. My beloved kitty got eaten by a Coyote this week. The country I love and the people I love, Russia, is in a war right now that increases my stress. I’m in between jobs (not really too much of a problem but stressful). I just applied to 6 hospitals across the country from New Mexico, Missouri, Kansas, and Maine. So I am excited to be leaving the west soon. I took a self-esteem test and my therapist said I scored the lowest she had ever seen. Intellectually I know about my condition, I am a psychiatric nurse after all, but emotionally I am lost and blind. I was abused as a child. I am a male. My mother made me wear dresses until I was 4. She said I was an ashamed baby at 9 months old and started spanking then. I have 4 years in my life I can remember nothing. I remember from about 3 years old until thru kindergarten. But first grade to 5th grade is a complete blank. I can remember again starting in 6th grade. I was shamed by my grandfather and made to wear a diaper in front of his company when I was 8 years old because I wet the bed. My partners often abandoned me weeks at relatives homes. My uncle had sex with me and a woman when I was 12. My mothers friends used to grab my penis through my pants and laugh when I ran away ashamed. My aunt and I had sex in my teens. It’s a wonder I could do anything with my life. I was courtmartialed four times in the Marine Corps but was found incident on every one. I straighten up a bit in late 20’s. Married a black topless dancer my first wife. My second wife was a white religious fanatic. I have 7 degrees, 4 associates, a bachelors, a masters degree, and a professional degree and I’m working on a second bachelors now so I can get a doctorate in nursing. Education is where I go hide from my life.