Hi

This is the first time I post here. I guess I'm doing this after some time of having this account, don't know if in some time I probably shout it down because well, it's me that's what i tend to do... I always get overwhelmed to post on public, community wich I never end up doing. Lately I been at my lowest, numb, empty and feeling like shutting myself from the world and just stay in my comfort zone(if I can call it like that) wich is home. I struggle to go out. I have constant anxiety. I overthink, I guess I have ruminant thoughts and guess I may highly be neurotic? I don't know, I never been diagnosed with it, I quit going to sessions like a year ago or more, I can't bring myself to do it not now.. I know that going out to most people and do normal things such as going to the store, buy something, go to work, go to study, take public transport isn't that much of a big deal. For me it is, I can't even take public transport or that's how I feel like because I'm such a mess inside. I try to go out even if I'm at my lowest like these days, to walk my dog or buy something wich is way more of a big deal because I have to socialize. I don't have any friends. It's not a feeling. I'm actually alone. I don't have any human connections wich makes everything way more difficult. I'm painfully shy and intrusive. Even talking makes me ashamed because I don't basically feel good in my own skin, my smile, my teeths, my body, my thinness, my voice, my imperfect skin, not being conventionally beauty because I'm far from being a naturally beauty if it's not for the make up, to cover my horrid dark shadows, and lighten my eyes and this makes me incredibly insecure, nowdays I rarely take pictures of myself wich I used to do more often in the past. It's like my whole behaviour screams low selfesteem in all different body language.. and I know I look like that because most of the time people from past were in they manner hurtful or thats what I felt like, maybe I been overdramatic I don't know.. that's the experience at least I had in highschool with professors or other girls or older people as well with not being that much of a great student anyway.. I don't know, shyness in a world like this doesn't help at all. I don't relate that much to people. I don't even know if "I want to get better" is what I want anymore. I don't sleep early I can sleep really late, thats when anxiety hits me, palpitations, scared, crying, overthinking. I been like this for years It just got worse. I don't even now if maybe I like being like this, or I'm just a lifeless dead. Always unmotivated in some way. I'm a gigant coward when it comes to live my life. And the things I do to improve, they feel empty to me not a progress, not a little step not anything. My fathers think I'm just lazy or that's the way I am. I wont even try talking with them since the day my mother laughted at me when I said to her I was so depressed one time when I was younger. I'm probably embarrassing myself for posting this and for my bad english. I just feel like I need a friend but who really cares I don't think I'm going to find it here and it's not like I care much finding it anyway.