Hello
Hello all, Ive been suffering with mental illness since I was very young. I had a hard childhood and have been diagnosed with OCD, GAD and panic disorder. My OCD has features of Tourettes syndrome, such as tics. I think I have depression as a result. I used to think depression was all about sadness but Im plagued with guilt over everything and I dwell on mistakes. I have extreme anxiety at times mixed with the guilt and I worry over the future. I overthink everything. The meds I take only help a tiny bit. I live in the US and there is no availability to affordable therapy. Im also a mom and Im married and I just want to be perfect but Im such a failure at everything. I don't feel like I'm doing a good job parenting and I wish I could just disappear. I hate existing.
@adventurousCoconut5536
Hello and welcome to 7cups! It's nice to meet you. 
I hope you find the community helpful, and if you ever have any questions about how the site works, don't hesitate to ask.
It sounds like you have a lot on your plate in terms of anxiety and depression, and dealing with all of that can be really hard. I also have OCD, GAD, and depression, so I can really empathize with a lot of what you're saying. Feeling like you have to be perfect for other people in your life can make living very stressful. I hope through this site and other resources you are able to find ways to take care of yourself first and foremost.
@brightForest97 yes its hard. I know I dont literally have to be perfect but I feel that Im not even close to being good enough. I have stuff I need to get past in this life if Im going to move on and be successful but I dont know how. Its like the abuse that I have endured in my life by different people, have shaped me. I dont want to be stuck as the mess I have become. Its like I would have to start life new and avoid being abused but thats impossible. I dont like what ive become and mixed with the other mental illnesses I have as well, I dont know how to overcome. Thats why Im here and I hope maybe talking about it will help. :-)
I quite understand you, though am diagnosed with depression. Life is hard but it can be made better by the people you are surrounded with and by your mindset. Personally, I had my first suicidal thought at 16; I'm now 62. There have been multiple hospitalizations and events in my depression and in spite of a successful nursing career it has always been a daily part of my life. I've been on a long list of meds over the years including a few from each "SS" category. I've done CBT, long term day treatment and hundreds of hours of talk therapy. For me, antidepressants still my suicidal thought and anxiety, allow me to keep my head above water so I can participate in therapy and life.
I think many people have unrealistic expectations of antidepressants, believing that you can just take them and they will do all the work of bringing back a sense of happiness or peace. I see them as one tool I use to manage what has now become a disabling condition. Personally, talk therapy is very helpful for exploring dark thoughts and finding light. Once I was researching into the same for freelancer and paper writer and found out psychopharmacology is essential for managing meds and side effects. But just as with other chronic illnesses it's important to address all aspects of life, including nutrition, exercise and finding value in life for yourself. For someone with depression, this can mean something as simple as the accomplishment of making a meal everyday.
It's worth mentioning here that although I live within an hour of the big hospitals in Boston, I have found wonderful care at my local community health center. (I was an RN for 40 years; I'm pretty judgy) My psychiatrist spends at least 15 minutes with me and I see my therapist for an hour every 2 weeks. After years in unsatisfying private practices, this was a welcome surprise.
Managing my illness has been a process of finding which tools I need for my toolkit and who can provide those tools while adapting them for my changing needs.