Deleted tinder and downloaded 7cups
I have been in a slump lately.. and by lately I mean about a year.. or maybe 3.. or maybe 20. I've been able to outrun my deeply embedded feelings of worthlessness for a while but this past month its all come crashing in.
I'm having trouble reaching out to family and friends; I live a nomadic/seasonal lifestyle and I'm afraid that the people near me will think I only come to them when I need something from them. Its a fear of giving less than a perfect version of myself; a fear that they will feel responsible for my feelings or see me as a burden. I've been trying to keep it together but it's gotten to where I can't mentally function very well anymore.
The other day I was feeling a little better and decided to download tinder again, I've never met anyone on the app but thought maybe it would be an easy way to connect with people and dig my way out of my isolation a bit. Within 5 minutes a profile of a couple very explicitly looking for a threesome came up, which turned out to be my emotionally and sexually abusive ex-partner. A lot of my trauma from that relationship was brought to the surface after being assaulted by a stranger a couple months ago.
I called a hotline last week and asked for advice on getting help without insurance (God bless America), they suggested this website and a few others. After this incident on tinder I deleted the app and downloaded 7cups and here I am. I think the whole tinder episode was a nudge from the universe to get help, giving me something to be tangibly angry at and fuel the "need" for help rather than just subsisting in this flatlined state for about a month.
So here I am, a bit nervous and unsure about it but I hope its a step towards healing and ultimately living a life that I feel like is worth living.
@GrowingGinkgo8847
God, wow. So sorry to hear you were sexually assaulted. Have you considered making an official report to the police in your area? That can help heal, even if it doesn't ultimately lead to prosecution.
I would have had a total WTF moment if I bumped into that profile like you did. Wow. That sucks.
Anyway...you've probably heard this already - but as a reminder - it's NOT your fault.
Go easy on yourself and remember all the good things about you. Maybe make a list of all the wonderful things people have said about you in your life - even if you have to go way back to remember! Maybe someone said you were cute or nice or silly or fun? Start getting that list going in your mind...
Thanks for sharing your story. It's a good reminder to me to be nice to people, because you just never know what a person is going through.
God bless you.
@GodisGood123 thanks for your reply.
I did file a police report, the guy fled the scene before the police showed up. It was almost more traumatizing filing the report because the staff at the establishment (all male) were pissed that they had to "deal" with the issue and didn't think anything the guy did was wrong. But I'm glad I stuck with filing the report, it feels more empowering now after I've had time to process it a bit.
Thanks for your empathy, I really appreciate it! Hearing "its not my fault" is really helpful to me. I struggle with positive affirmations for myself but it's something I'm going to make a point to work on.
@GrowingGinkgo8847
Also - consider reaching out to family friends - they love you and will be happy to hear from you. If you feel shy, it's OK to explain to them your feelings about your seasonal work and how that's affecting you...many you talk to will be able to empathize.
