Words can hurt🤕
Hi,
Recently, one of my parents told me that if I'm going to their parents house, my doors should be open and accessable at all times, or else I am just a burden to them.
These words cut me deep. I was suicidal and ended up in the hospital once, and the following year I was SA'ed by a relative in a foreign country. I was indoctrinated, manipulated and in the end came to stay in my home country.Â
They hope to get me married to someone by 2027 after my graduation. They want me to have kids (many in fact to keep the population index smh)and be able to take care of a family, have a career and be independent.
Everyone knows what happened, but they think it's a band aid. They just forgave the relative (except my mom) and told me to move on. No case was filed.Â
I told myself that I should just accept this outcome and move on. That it's better to concentrate on my healing, but I don't where to start, when one of my parents (ok, it's my mom) told me those words. I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to yell, but my mind was bursting so I had tears in my eyes and she told me "Your reactions are not normal, you neither have compassion nor a sense of responsibility. If I was talking to my parents I would reassure them that I will do everything to make it easier for them, but no, you are just silent and mute. You can't shut people off, and we are the only ones who will help you, no one in the world would even care what happens to you. When we are gone how will you be able to take care of yourself?"Â
How should I take this? I feel tired and upset .
@intelligentOak1059
hey there💜
words indeed can hurt.. specially coming from those we really care for and those we expect to have as our safe inner circle and think of as those who would never hurt us
Im sorry to know you were struggling enough to want to end your life and that you didnt have the support to keep it from happening
but im really glad you survived it and are here talking about itÂ
and im so sorry you had to go thru the pain of SA and that your relatives didn’t support you and stand by you, you shouldn’t have had to face that, specially not from family and you definitely didn’t deserve to have it dismissed, im glad you mom was on your side in this one tho
i can only imagine how hard it has been to live thru so much and under the pressure of so many expectations about your life and your future that dont align with how you would see your future
if i am to be really honest? Imagining myself in your shoes makes me admire you and be very proud of you for surviving as much as you have and for continuing to try your best under the pressure of those expectations as well
yes perhaps your parents are the people who would worry about you most, care about your future and success most, and want the bests for you, but that doesn’t mean they know what that best is nor does meaning well erase the fact in trying to push you to be « better », they are hurting you and its more than normal to be hurt and upset at them and just tired of this whole situationÂ
Sending you lots of love, strength and many virtual hugs if accepted :)
i would love to hear more from you and how things have been for you since you wrote this💜 so do update me on yourself, would you?
I'm sorry you suffer a lot of that horrible things :(, you are really strongAs I see it, you didn't ask to be born, so, its your parents OBLIGATION to take care of you. YOU OWE THEM NOTHING, especially after protecting this relative. Don't let this people to take control of your life decisions, don't get married, and start to get away. It's hard I know, but they are hurting you, they don't deserve you anymore, and you don't deserve more suffer :(Good luck 🫂 I know you will be okay :) and please, don't go suicidal. you are a strong, really strong person
I am passed for that too Is really Sadness ;(
@intelligentOak1059
Hey! You're so brave and strong, keep it up! Also, you've taken a very wise step to join the support group and have been able to share what you've been through. I'm very sorry for all that you have experienced. Know that you deserve love, respect, validation, kind words, independence and to be heard when something wrong happens with you.
Please take therepy if possible and if things get worse at the home front, please try to get help by calling helpline. I know it's tough to ask for help against your own parents, but when you're feeling devalued by your own people and if there is danger, it's better to ask for help. Otherwise, you may speak to one of your professors at college whom you think will be kind enough to help you, it would be better if it's a female professor.
As you're graduating, I request you to move out to hostel and heal there. If that is not possible, then please try to do some course online and try to get a job before your graduate so that you can move out before they get you married. For that you may have to keep things secret from your parents regarding job and say that the course is a part of college. Yeah it may sound wrong, but you're protecting yourself and not doing anything morally wrong.
I have gone through sexual abuse by my narc ex bf whom I trusted a lot. He abused me in all ways, took money and cheated on me with someone else. My father and one of my friend knows about it. But they did not understand completely how much painful it still is. They just ask me to move on and heal quickly. Also, my abuser ex is happy and enjoying his wife's money. I feel injustice and feel karma is not working.
We have to understand that when the world doesn't help us and understand us, we have to understand ourselves and love ourselves more than anyone else.
Meditation has helped me a lot to feel better and heal but it has to be done every damn day. Also, you can use internet to access a whole world of free content on self healing and therepy - articles and YT videos. Please use it to heal.
Know that if someone talks bad to you and makes you feel bad, it's their problem and not yours. Try NOT to internalize it. My mother also speaks very very harsh. As an Indian, many children face verbal abuse by parents who don't support when something happens to the child. Hence, some children learn to manipulate parents, handle them diplomatically, see parents as immature people with psychological wounds who got those since childhood and see their words as a reflection of them. So none of the words your mom says has anything to do with you.
Please watch Aaron Doughty's YT channel, especially the old videos. It has helped me immensely.Â
Also, if you're a spiritual person, see things in a spiritual way. I know it's tough, but possible. As I have gone through abuse, I used to feel that I should not live. Later, I saw a TedX video of a physically impaired person who was an all rounder in life before a bad incident happened, there she says - this life is precious, the body that is impaired will perish one day but the soul is still the same and she deserves to live life as a normal person. So, whatever your relative did to you is NOT your mistake. You are a beautiful soul who deserves to live a beautiful life as you wish.
Healing is a process and you have to do day in and day out, but it is possible. A professional therapist will be the best. You can heal and I'm sure you'll heal to lead a happy life.Â
Please watch the movie "Shawshank Redemption", if you haven't already. It shows that resilience and hope can do miracles even in the worst circumstances.
I repeat, your mom's words are her frustrations, problems, wounds. Brush off her words and do not react much. Just agree with her that she is right and try to deal less with her because arguing with a malfunctioning, verbally abusive person is a waste of energy. Better set a goal to move out of the house sooner. Take ideas from classmates, professors on internships, jobs and course. I wish you all the very best! You've a very beautiful future ahead and you deserve to have it. When nobody holds your hand, you hold your hand like a warrior. You got this!Â
@DeepaR21Â
I read your message and I swear that you have made me see life in a different way, thank you very much, I also went through abuse from my parents and I have not wanted to tell anyone until now, thanks to you you have opened my eyes and I see life as Gold, thank you very much again, I hope you also get better, and remember that your ex will soon get his karma, because in this life everything is paid for, see you friend, take care of yourself WE LOVE YOU
@intelligentOak1059 I can feel the sadness and the tiredness behind your post, and my heart goes out to you. When people haven't suffered sa they don't know what to say or how to be in your shoes and it strips so much more from you when it's a member of your own family, and you are retraumatised by being told to be silent or being made to feel like you are creating an unnecessary fuss. You didn't deserve what happened, you didn't deserve to be violated or betrayed, it was nothing you did that caused this. Don't allow others even your parents to tell you how to feel, how to move on, how to heal. It takes a day at a time, it takes talking, it takes strength, and it takes a realisation thst only you know what you need to move forward. Wishing you genuinely all the best in healing, in finding peace and dulling the memories/demons so that one day, you realise you haven't thought of them at all 😊