Somewhere to get it off my chest.

Hi, I'm not looking for anything, just somewhere to get everything off my chest as I have no one to talk to right now. Since I have had my hysterectomy 2 years ago I haven't been okay mentally, I can't afford therapy, and I think i had BPD. My husband and I have been together almost 18 years and I have recently cheated on him. My husband suspected and I told him everything. I had been seeing a guy from work for about a month, just meeting up, talking every day. We would snap each other videos and pictures and we kissed, nothing more happened. We both wanted to be with each other but struggled to know how to leave our families. When the time came and my husband confronted him, he denyed it all which in turn left me to deal with the pieces alone. The following day he was still telling me he didn't want to stop seeing me, loved me and sorry for how he reacted when confronted, while telling my husband I wouldn't leave him alone and that he keeps saying he didn't mean to lead me on (still keeping up his own lie). Obviously my husband went mental (again) but I talked to him and told him he lied to his face, I was trying to get clarification of what happened and that yes this all happened and I honestly thought we could have been together, I broke down realising this guy had lied to me and my husband has taken it very well.

I sent him one last message telling him that my husband knows the full truth and how much he had hurt me, I got no reply which is probably the worst. I felt like I needed an explanation of why he done this to me.

I've been left with a marriage to repair (which for the last month I have wanted to leave because my husband is smothering but probably because he was suspecting I was cheating) , my kids hate me and have been staying with aunts and uncles because they don't want to see me right now, I miss the other guy so much because I really loved him and it hurts I can't be with him, I've started a new job and don't want to be there, I keep crying, not eaten properly for 4 days and I am so angry that his life is fine when he was fully involved with this affair too.

Sorry for rambling I just needed a place to get it all out.