My cousin committed suicide

TW FOR SUICIDE!

This is going to be a rant about my thoughts.

My cousin took her own life 6 weeks ago. Ever since I've been having trouble doing basically anything. If I listen to music I'm sad that she doesn't get to enjoy it anymore. If I'm taking a walk for some fresh air I'm sad she didn't see the beauty of life. If I feel the warm sun on my skin it now makes me feel sadness instead of the usually happiness. It's been so difficult. I miss her.

Immediately after my cousin passed (she's a couple months younger than me) my aunt came to our house for support. The look on my parents and aunts faces is something I'll never forget.

It all happened so closeby. My dad planned her cremation and the ceremony. My aunt and grandma slept at our place for 2 days. Everytime I saw someone they were talking about what happened. I couldn't find peace or a place to grief on my own. The cremation was a week after her passing.

Sometimes I regret not seeing her in her casket. I've been told she looked pretty. I decided not to see her because I wanted my last memories of her to be us having fun. Now that the opportunity is long gone though I regret not holding her hand one last time. Oh what I'd do just to hold her hand or stroke her hair. I miss her. I wish I hugged her one last time.

In my aunt's distressed state she ended up telling us everything that happened. I know how late it happened, how she did it (detailed), with what she did it, exactly where she did it, how she looked (VERY detailed) when my aunt found her and how she looked after they cleaned her up.

Sometimes I space out and replay the scene in my head. I imagine her last moments in my head, all the way up to the moment the police arrived. It plays on loop, sometimes for multiple minutes and often I don't realise it happens. Once I do it's hard to step out of it. Sometimes it even plays in the background of my mind if that makes sense. Like while I'm typing this I can see everything happening on loop. Someone told me I'm experiencing dissociation with "flashbacks" (I didn't actually see it happen, it's just a scene my mind made up with all the details I've been told).

Sometimes I feel really selfish. It seems like out of my family I'm one of the people who cries the most. My aunt and grandma are the most devastated but I feel like I'm a close 3rd. I feel like I'm selfish for being this sad. I only saw her like 10 times or so a year while my aunt, grandma and mum saw her way more often. I don't feel like I should be grieving this hard. My brother, father and uncle seem to be doing okay and my mum as well. I feel like I shouldn't feel this sad.

I recently even had my first panic attack in like 15 months or so. It was really sudden, usually I notice the signs like a minute or so before it happens but this time I only got them a second before it started. I thought they might've been gone for forever but I guess not. It was really scary because it's been so long and I didn't expect it.

My mum still visits my aunt pretty often and she tells me stories on how she's doing. On one hand it's nice to hear she's coping well (or as well as you can in her state), but on the other hand it's pretty triggering. She did give me a bead from my cousin for my bracelet. I wear it every day.

I'm sorry if my text is a bit incoherent or if it doesn't make sense, I just wrote everything down that I wanted to and didn't pay attention to the rest.