my progression and healing journey

I had a severe trigger on July 31st. It was concerning my sexual abusers name and although I thought i have subsided any inner conflict I had with him, the trigger was bad. It was a scary experience and it relatively lasted 3 days. The same day, (earlier) I had a date with an amazing man who treats me well and understands my trauma. He’s patient with me, which I value a lot. I feel guilty even though I know I shouldn’t for being triggered about something I thought I was over with. The trigger occurred while I was with a group of friends- keep in mind, they know and are friends with my exhale abuser- said his name at dinner. They didn’t intend to cause me harm which I understand but it is unsettling to know that they are still friends with someone who hurt me. I try to stay understanding with that, but i have notified them i won’t hang out with them collectively because it has never been enjoyable to me (probably because they lack maturity). When I was on my way back to my house from dinner, my best friend notified me that my abuser was at the mall the same time we were. I didn’t know what to say or how to react. She told me she didn’t want to tell me because she knew I would end up loooing for him the entire time I was at the mall due to my paranoia. I didn’t know how unsettled I would become knowing I could see him because I always thought I was better than him and am. I am just not prepared to see him in any way. My trauma happened in August of last year with him, it was several occasions of harassment despite me saying no. The experience was bitter with him but I always felt my experience with my ex was far worst and the main reason i suffer from c-ptsd. When I arrived home that night, my good friend texted me congratulating me for getting through the night and it set me off. I cried, I didn’t realize how much hurt built up in me and I haven’t cried in so long but it felt good even if it hurt so bad. I realize now, the moment they said his name i had dissociated as a self defense mechanism to not show how i felt until I got home. I remember how i felt when they said his name, it felt like my heart dropped to my gut and my stomach twisted. I could feel myself drain and i felt sick and nauseous and almost lost an appetite. It was the worst feeling I’ve had. The next day, I was out with family bowling and at an arcade. I was noticeably irritable and very sensitive because of what happened the night before. It got to the point i had to sit out and miss playing the arcade games with my family and hold in tears until my throat got sore. I talked back to my parents when I shouldn’t have, and I felt horribly about it but i understood it was just the way i coped with it. I always have sucked at showing my emotion for what it is- rage and irritability is how i express my sadness and frustration. Sunday night, I also had a nightmare with him in it. It wasn’t as horrible as a nightmare I had about another traumatic event, which I was glad about. I was srill stumbled about the trigger though and i cried again in the morning and later that night. Since, it’s been gone. And i’ve developed a lot of reassurance with the man i am dating now. Today i had my second date with him and went very well. Today was the first time i’ve allowed for a simple intimate touch on my leg and it honestly is so much progression. a year ago, i don’t think I would’ve ever thought i’ve come near getting into another relationship. i cried happily tonight because I felt how far i’ve come and i felt the support i had with him and i felt safe. i know i will have struggles continuously and that my healing is not linear. I have found out better coping mechanisms within recent weeks that have helped me such as a simple podcast discussing trauma and relationships and moving on to meditating and easing my anxiety on a day to day basis