life is hard
I grew up being sexually abused by 2 different family members. I often wonder what my purpose is in life, like if it's just to please guys. It sucks to think that the only reason you were brought into existence was for guys to have something to play with; and honestly I've felt that way for as long as I can remember. I just can't handle these feelings anymore. They really make me feel like a worthless piece of crap. I hate it. I try my hardest to move on and be happy but it just doesn't seem to work. It just sucks being all alone in this world facing such heavy demons that kill me a little more each day. I just can't handle this anymore.
Please, you and me both, friend. (@ Not being able to handle life any more) My situation is vastly different and I can't even begin to fathom what you've gone through. Stay strong, you've done it for this long. My troubles have been going on for a few years now, but essentially I haven't had a home to call my own and been tossed around between my parents for the last 2-3 years. I've even had to live at a cousins house for a period of time. It's humiliating. I've been nothing but a saint and I've gotten nothing for it. I've seen privledged kids spoiled rotten, not even trying at school either, and then I have to walk through life with all of this crap. I suppose I was sheltered too and I can't really say I'm perfect, but I damn well try my best. I don't even know what to do anymore, I've resorted to a forum board.. ME. The person who would rather sit at home all day than go to the beach and talk to people who might strike a conversation with me!
When I was 6 I went to a school for the first time and I was really happy I was going to have friends but the girls at my age didn't like me and said i was too ugly and fat to be with them. They used to tell me this every day and this happened during 4 years. I told to every adult there was in that school and nobody helped me because I was lying or the things were going to be ok in the end. So I started to eat and eat and eat.
When I was 10 I went to a new school and I got excited again but the things got screwed up again. A girl used the internet to call me awful names and I lost a lot of confidence. I kept eating and eating. My stomach couldn't take it anymore.
I started to write.
When I was 12 I finally got friends. I was so happy. But I kept eating. I had 176 pounds/80 Kg in that time. My imagination for writing become fucked up.
When I was 13 I went to a doctor because I was getting to fatter. I lost 40 pounds/18 Kg in 1 year. My grandmother died in that year and I still dream about dead people all the time. Normally I dream about the people I love dying by fire or killing themselves
When I was 14 (now) I fell in love with a boy for the first time. My best friend started to text him. The texts were all about sex and I started to her because she would show me the texts all the time and she knew it hurt but she didn't care.
Every time I would see him I would tell myself I wasn't good enough for him and I would remember the insults that were said to me and I started to feel sadder and sadder and I started to cut.
My imagination to write came back. I would write things about how I hated my best friend and how I loved him.
Now I guess I'm writing normally again.