can anyone help? TW sexual assault

i think i may have been raped/molested/whatever by my dad. haven’t spoken to him in years so no immediate danger. i have nobody irl i can speak to about this and no access to that help atm. 

i don’t even know how to explain my situation. since i learned what trauma was i’ve almost been wishing to Have trauma to explain why my brain is like this. i get terrified around grown men especially if they come into my bedroom. i have these weird, freezing moments? it’s like a weird almost-memory of hands touching me inappropriately and i freeze up and zone out

and idk if it was my dad or someone else and honestly idc who, but i wanna know if i’m right about this y’know?

i have some sort of blank years in my life. times where i just can’t remember that much besides particularly big things (an injury, a school play. everything else is,,, blurry)

i’ve been hypersexual (at least i think?) for as long as i can remember. when i was idk 7? maybe even younger i cant remember, i would (unknowingly) pleasure myself while thinking about people doing things to me without my consent (didn’t know what it meant)

when i was 9(?) i discovered things like porn and such. i remember one day i was looking through all that stuff online and my dad kept coming into my room and sitting on my bed and idk i felt weird. 

and idk when it was that i started being scared/uncomfortable around him but i was and that only got worse until he left

and then there were the dreams, i think they started around 10/11. they arent/werent frequent but it would be dreams of him raping me basically. ive had dreams since of just loads of strangers doing the same but it started with him and in the dream he was telling me we had to be quiet and i just don’t know where i even got that from. i don’t think i’d consumed content of any kind that would’ve given me that idea

and then a couple years ago my mum and i were talking and she admitted that she thought he might have done something to one of my siblings and said sth like “i just wish if it had happened to one of them they would tell me so i could go to the police” and idk it made me feel. weird

i’m 99% sure i’m missing details here, it’s all jumbled in my head and i’m exhausted and i just. don’t know what to do. this is kinda a last resort for me. sorry this was long and rambly. sorry if i’m not using this place correctly