What Are We Supposed To Do Now
I'm a survivor of sexual abuse. I was never raped, but it was nasty and it was cruel and I was confused. I blamed myself because I didn't put up much of a fight, I didn't realize at the time that that was okay. That it didn't mean that that was what I wanted. I'm still affected to this day. I think back on it and sometimes I'm paralysed, or I find it hard to breathe. Sometimes I feel like my skin is crawling and I have curl into a ball to stop shaking. Sometimes I pity him, because he was only young too when he tried to hurt me that way, and all I can think is "what the hell happened to you to make you think that doing things like that is ever okay?". But my point is, I understand that most people on this site aren't exactly psychologists, they're listeners. Most are teenagers that want to help, and they try to help, really. I think it's lovely that these strangers offer their support and their time. Sometimes when I'm having a particularly bad day I try and find someone with that little sexual abuse badge to talk to. These people tend not to be disgusted or rude necessarily, but they just repeat the same information again and again and again. I should talk to someone, I should find a hotline, I should persecute my attacker. I should do this and I should do that. I understand expressing fear, sadness, and anger shows that I'm not over it, and I will fully admit that I'm not, but I'm sick of being pushed into the same conversational rut. "Talk to someone", "No", "Please talk to someone", "No, oh wait, hang on a second I am", "I meant someone else", "Oh, thanks". These people want to help and that's very sweet, but I just wanted someone to listen. Not help unless I ask for it. If they're not comfortable hearing what I have to say, then I would appreciate the referral to someone else, but they shouldn't make me feel like I have to do anything. Like I have to contact someone else. I don't want to feel pressured, I felt that way then, I won't now. Do you feel like it's a hard subject to talk about? Why/why not? I do, because ultimately, people don't understand.
