Trauma Sufferage The Opposite Way
What I am about to post...is sadly very true. People dont think I suffered trauma in the department of sexual abuse, because the trauma shows itself in the most dramatically opposite way possible. I dont avoid men, or women...i cater to them, i volunteer to be used, i want them to use me anyway they hope...and desire. Sex has since taken over my life and my romantic relationships.. and its lead me into more abuse and assaults since the initial event. And because of this, only 8 members of my family believe what happened and the rest support the pedophile that is my blood grandfather, or the creature as my mother calls him.
I was young when the light touches started, when they started getting sexual, I hadn't noticed because he has always shown me and my brother (who was then a little girl younger than myself) special attention. He would place his hands on our thighs and make jokes about our bodies.
This carried on for a while, when we were early teens, 14/12 we spent some nights at his house. This was after he had bought his toy, the titty grabber he called it. I woke up one morning with him rubbing me, in the downstairs region. And then...the next month, he had bought me a dildo to use at his place and told me to bring guys over....this started what seems to be an addiction to sexual pleasure
After the gift of the dildo, he was no longer allowed to see us. I went almost a full year without telling about waking up that morning. My great grandma had passed before I spoke, and during this year break, I had gotten myself into 2 situations where my "no" was not heard. With two different guys...this was when I created my safe haven in my mind that I escape to during unwanted sexual activities.
The trial wasnt long, and my one uncle had seemed to be on my side until the end of it, which made sense considering he had teo kids of his own. He took the guilty plea and was in there for no longer than six months I believe.
After the trial, we moved, my one uncle helped us, and then we saw that by law, we could not speak to him no more, as he posted pics of his kids with my grandfather. What got him? We believe money.
When I turned 18 more problems arose, I regretfully gave my virginity and bawled through it all, to be used for sex almost every day for the next year. My safe space was so beautiful...and I constantly felt the need to please with my body, and in doing so, ended up with jerks who would take advantage of it...
Its been years, 7...to be exact since I woke up to that scene...and to this day...saturday to be exact, I use my safe space to get through brutal utilization by men, because I was taught that's how to get people to like me by my grandfather.
Currently my mouth and leg are healing from what a guy did to me, saturday. I now fear for my own safety...