Sexually abused more than once

When I was little my brother touched me sexually several times. I blocked out a lot of my childhood experiences with him. He bullied me a lot as well. I don't recall the actual details of everything because I suppressed the memories and everytime I think about him I have those thoughts of him touching me. A few years ago I told my mother that something happened but I don't think she believed me. So I just act like nothing ever happened.

In high school my mother's boyfriend grab me one night and pulled me into a field but when he tried to *** and realized I hadn't been having sex he stopped. He begged me not to tell my mother and I didn't because she liked him so much and I wanted her to be happy. He later passed away and I told her but she didn't acknowledge that either.

Since then I have been sexually assaulted 2 more times which one of those times put me in the psych ward for a couple of weeks. I have never pressed charges on anyone, I just pushed everything under the rug.

A few years ago I needed somewhere to stay and my "cousin" by marriage offered to let me stay with him and his girlfriend. Shortly after I moved in he wanted to have sex so I agreed because I didn't have anywhere else to stay.

Most of the intimate relationships I have had have either been physically or emotionally abusive or just sexual relationships.

I want so much to be in a wonderful relationship but the words of being just "a piece of meat" still play in my head.