My secret... (warning: very triggering)
I started to play sex games online when I was young at the age of 7, and then escalated to watching porn and masterbating. This has always been a secret for the whole of my life,;I know it's not normal and I'm sick. But it feels like I've inherited my father's per vertical behaviour. And so when I was in 15 in fell into depression and finally told somebody about what was happening at home. My father abuses me in all forms; verbal, emotionally, neglect, physically and ...This. After I have started opening up to the psychiatrist, flashbacks of being pinned down and touched ? By my father started to surface. I couldn't accept it. I thought that my father may not be that nice but surely he wouldn't do such a thing? Maybe I'm making this up? Maybe I am being influenced by all my sexuality behaviour? As much as I try to deny, the memories start to come back at full force. I hear my screams, his laughter, feel his weight and how helpless and powerless I felt when he pinned me down, though today I'm still not 100 % sure whether it has happened or not... its confusing whether to trust a memory that you have repressed for 10 over years. After reading literature on the effects of child sexual abuse, I'm not really sure whether my inappropriate sexuality behaviour abuser such abuser young age is due to that; that I'm acting out or that ism just generally sick. And then after retrieving that memory back, I got molested by a passerby. And last year, when I went to hypnotherapy for the purpose of clarifying these questions and to hopefully recall somemore repressed memories, I saw a memory when I was being raped by my father...? I don't know. I just saw myself laying motionless and he was just humping me.... maybe it's due to the porn again? I don't know. I feel very self destructive, guilty, powerless, useless again and dirty, just like most victims of such stuff.... I still masterbate, but this time I don't do it to feel pleasure anymore, it is to reenact what has happened at times; it has became a way to self harm. It hurts a lot, but I just want to feel the pain, I just hate myself so much. And perhaps I also have the hidden agenda of perhaps being able to relieve more repressed memories if I reenact whatever that has happened. Sigh. I don't know what to do. I feel very embarrassed to talk about this with my therapist so I'm saying it here..... just to get it off my chest and to also out so process it...
edited by dancingRainbow45 on 06/05/17 Removed graphic description of abuse/self harm as this post is being moved to Traumatic Experiences Community and all posts in the forums must follow the Community Guidelines re no graphic posting to avoid triggering others