My secret... (warning: very triggering)
I started to play sex games online when I was young at the age of 7, and then escalated to watching porn and masterbating. This has always been a secret for the whole of my life,;I know it's not normal and I'm sick. But it feels like I've inherited my father's per vertical behaviour. And so when I was in 15 in fell into depression and finally told somebody about what was happening at home. My father abuses me in all forms; verbal, emotionally, neglect, physically and ...This. After I have started opening up to the psychiatrist, flashbacks of being pinned down and touched ? By my father started to surface. I couldn't accept it. I thought that my father may not be that nice but surely he wouldn't do such a thing? Maybe I'm making this up? Maybe I am being influenced by all my sexuality behaviour? As much as I try to deny, the memories start to come back at full force. I hear my screams, his laughter, feel his weight and how helpless and powerless I felt when he pinned me down, though today I'm still not 100 % sure whether it has happened or not... its confusing whether to trust a memory that you have repressed for 10 over years. After reading literature on the effects of child sexual abuse, I'm not really sure whether my inappropriate sexuality behaviour abuser such abuser young age is due to that; that I'm acting out or that ism just generally sick. And then after retrieving that memory back, I got molested by a passerby. And last year, when I went to hypnotherapy for the purpose of clarifying these questions and to hopefully recall somemore repressed memories, I saw a memory when I was being raped by my father...? I don't know. I just saw myself laying motionless and he was just humping me.... maybe it's due to the porn again? I don't know. I feel very self destructive, guilty, powerless, useless again and dirty, just like most victims of such stuff.... I still masterbate, but this time I don't do it to feel pleasure anymore, it is to reenact what has happened at times; it has became a way to self harm. It hurts a lot, but I just want to feel the pain, I just hate myself so much. And perhaps I also have the hidden agenda of perhaps being able to relieve more repressed memories if I reenact whatever that has happened. Sigh. I don't know what to do. I feel very embarrassed to talk about this with my therapist so I'm saying it here..... just to get it off my chest and to also out so process it...
edited by dancingRainbow45 on 06/05/17 Removed graphic description of abuse/self harm as this post is being moved to Traumatic Experiences Community and all posts in the forums must follow the Community Guidelines re no graphic posting to avoid triggering others
Hello the . it must have been pretty hard for you to write that , and I can relate to it in a lot of ways , also makes me realize I'm not the only one . if you'd like to talk , I'm here for you .x
Thank you for sharing your secret, that must have taken an awful lot of courage to do so. I'm so sorry to hear what you have experienced :( my therapist has said previously how we, (people in general) hang on to what is familiar whether it's positive or negative. I'm wondered if that is perhaps one of the reasons you engaged in the sexual games and porn. Regarding masturbation, exploring our own bodies is perfectly natural and perfectly normal. I think the rough masturbation you talk about is more common than anyone realises, I really hope that in time you are able to uncover what drives you to want to cause yourself pain. I understand the self hatred and trying to recreate experiences to unearth repressed memories. I completely empathise with your difficulties in talking to your therapist about your sexual behaviour, it's so hard isn't it. I think by opening up on here you have taken a massive forward step. I believe you have helped others too with your courage and openness, you've certainly helped me. Thank you for your honesty.
There is a lot of your post I can't really speak to other than to say I am so sorry that you went through all that. But one thing I think is important is that you are NOT sick for being a sexual person. It is not uncommon for young children to touch themselves or even masturbate. Just like some of us are "late bloomers" some people start early and that is OK. There is nothing wrong with you. Terrible things have happened to you and I am so glad you have a therapist to help you work through them but I would really encourage you to tell them these things you have kept to yourself. We can't be expected to have all the answers. You tell a doctor when you break a leg and you tell your therapist your issues so they can help you work through them. You are not alone and there are so many people rooting for you to succeed.
Hi. Your so brave doing this and writing about it. It must be so hard. Therapy really helps with this sorta thing you know? So just hang in there and you'll get better. Best wishes. Akira
Dear ~~ ladygust ,
First of all, let me say that it takes a lot of courage to share your story with us and I am so glad that you did. You are not alone. I too, was repressed memories of being sexually abused by someone who I thought could never have done such a thing. I questioned myself for years. It felt almost like torture in a way. And as far as the masturbation and porn go, yes, many of us who have been abused in such ways do go through periods of times where we engage in these types of behaviors. I did for many years. Your story isstrikingly familiar to my own. If I could tell you one thing at this time it would be this... Please do not beat yourself up over this and don't be so hard on yourself. Be gentle with yourself and show yourself loving-kindness. You have been through an ordeal and need to be handled with the utmost care and respect. I give you my regards and a hope for a brighter future. Please, if there is anything else we can help you with today, please let us know.
Sincerely,
FaithfulPerson