My Sexual Abuse Experiences

My sexual abuse is intermingled with the psychological abuse and also some physical and emotional abuse which I've endured and witnessed.

I've been able to piece together some or my earlier years (Pre 13) through a combination of flashbacks and the unreliable narration of family members.

My older brother, my senior by 5 years, was a severely mentally disturbed person as least as long as I can remember him. My father would say from birth as an attempt to wash his hands of the matter. But I think there was something already existing in his mind which was triggered by traumatic untreated experiences and an unfeeling environment.

Whatever the case my brother's psychiatrist of 5 years was arrested for sexual abuse when my brother was 15 years old and I was 10. I don't recall how early in life my brother first sexually abused me I have only vague memories and experiences and the sexual trauma intermingled with the physical and emotional trauma of growing up with him. I think I was probably very young around 5. The latest I can remember any direct abuse would probably be around 10 or 11.

When I was 12-13 I got involved with some men over the internet. Ranging in age from 17-30ish. I don't remember much about these experiences. At the time my brother was not at home he was in a longterm mental insitution. So needless to say I was groomed multiple times. Although, I never really saw it that way until I was 18 or so.

My longest "relationship" at that point was with a 18 year old highschool senior. At the time I thought he was under my clutches not the other way around. Because I was so much more sexually experienced then him owing entirely to trauma but I passed it off as just early experimentation, I felt like I had the reins. Looking back I don't remember much of our 6 month relationship but I'm grateful I decided not to meet him in person. I saved myself alot of additional suffering with that.

When I was a few months past my 14th birthday I met and started dating my ex.Who had one thing that was an improvement on my first relationship; he was only a year older. My ex was pushy from the start but I thought that was normal enough. He assaulted me for the first time less then 3 weeks into our relationship. I reacted by falling harder. Like with my childhood and my early teens I don't remember much of the 5 years I spent with my ex.

Fortunately or unfortunately depending on how you look at it I was forbidden from seeing him by my father and so from 2016-2019 our relationship was conducted in secret and mostly online.

It is hard to say if any sexual trauma was experienced in that period. I know he was already psychologically and emotionally manipulative. He isolated me from my friends and talked endlessly about how often people lie about sexual trauma when they have no evidence while still outwardly claiming he believed me but I had no evidence of my grooming.

Obviously our sexual relationship was mostly conducted online. It was pretty one sided. I did all the work of sexually gratifying him through photos, video chats, and sexual messages. He rewarded me by sharing the intimate details of our sex life with other's and stepping over every boundary but physical.

In 2019 when we begin our physical relationship again. I knew the expectation was that we would have sex soon. By this point I had totally repressed my earliest sexual trauma but was left with dark dreams and darker fantasies which I was greatly ashamed of.

We had sex the third time we met up. I pretty much just gave in to his demands to please him. I'd say it was a gray area. I always dissassociated during any penetrative sex act because I always had a trauma response.

That makes it hard to tell when I consented and when I didn't. There is only one time I would explicitly call textbook rape as in physically fighting off an attacker and still being harmed. That was the third time we ever had sex and by some sick coincidence very close to the anniversary of my first assault by him in October of 2015.

After that assault he pulled a full 180 and became a sniveling pseudo-apologetic mess. His extreme self hatred and self effacement made me fall deeper. I felt like I was being loved because no one had ever apologized to me before like that.

He frequently would talk about how terrible he was and I had to reassure him. He told me that the experience had given HIM PTSD. He posted about raping me online and was angered when he didn't get much of a response. It was some of the trippiest psychological abuse I have ever lived through.

I know he coerced me into alot of the sex acts that we did carry out. He groped and attempted to assault me in my sleep. I have evidence that he probably assaulted others during the course of our relationship. Knowing why I stayed for so long doesn't really help me feel better about it. I look back at my life and see over a decade of some form of sexual trauma and manipulation from a person who I loved.

That's not a fun thing to come to terms with.

I broke up with him in April of 2021. In the course of our breakup he climbed ontop of me and attempted to assault me once again. If my friend had not been on the phone I fully believe I would have been raped once more. As it was I was just forcefully kissed.

Those months after the break up were hell. My repressed memories of childhood sexual abuse came back and my father's gaslighting about it became evident to me. I was dealing with the newer, fresher trauma memories and the old but unhealed memories.

Needless to say I lost my job, went on leave from university and majorly relapsed in my E.D. I didn't start to feel like a person again until late August nearly September. In that time I've gotten into therapy, found and hopefully will get into an E.D clinic and excised numerous toxic people from my life. I've also entered into a new relationship which has passed the two month mark with out any toxicity and has so far been a really lovely experience.

I know not what the future holds but I'm hopeful I can recover although it may take years and more blunders along the way.