It's not easy to not self blame
TW: mention of the incident, my self blame, PTSD
I was around 2 years back just walking on a side street to catch my bus. It was evening but due to winters it was little dark. I fainted while walking because I was feeling little weak. I had my mobile phone in my University bag. Some people in a car abducted me took me somewhere and raped me. I have so many reasons to blame self-
(1) Why was I alone?
(2) Why did I step out if I was feeling weak?
(3) Why didn't I keep my phone handy?
(4) I must have looked an easy target, a weak person
(5) Why didn't I try screaming and shouting...
Now nothing can change but whenever I get my symptoms of PTSD somewhere I feel my actions led me to this...my. carelessness led me to the pain I am suffering. The people who did this are at fault but even I am not faultless. I wish I could forgive myself soon.
@energeticThinker3129
Hello, my dear: I am BubbleGumPuppy68, and I hope you don't mind if I respond to your post.
I can relate to the feelings of guilt, and I understand how the mind works on us to blame ourselves for the things that happen to us. It is that inter critic that is plaquing your mind. Always accusing us or speaking negative things to us. May you could have done something differently, but the reality is you done what you felt was right. It did not turn out good, but it is not your fault that someone else decided to take advantage of you during your vulnerable time. Yelling or screaming could have cost you your life.
I too have experienced similar experiences so I really can relate to your feelings. Learning to reject the voice of that inter critical voice inside our head. I hope that you are working with someone that can help you gain a proper perspective on what happened to you. It is to easy to accept the guilt that is not yours as opposed to believing the truth. It WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.
@bubblegumPuppy68
Thank you bubble for reading my post and taking your time out to reply. I hope you are doing good/better... I will be honest at this point I am finding it really difficult to not self blame, I am unable to understand the logic that it was not my fault. I know this is self destructive only but...I wanted to say to you I totally value your perspectives and thoughts and would try to understand them too.
Thank You❤
@energeticThinker3129
I understand, and your feelings are really valid. The part I want you to think about is, If you had thought that anything would have happened to you that day, I think you would have chosen to stay at home. You know the old saying being in the right place at the wrong time. Well, think about that. You would have in no means put yourself in harm's way had it been intentional.. We have a part of our makeup for self-preservation in our being. That part of us will try to keep us safe. But when that gets violently violated the brain can not process the thing in your headspace. It was out of the normal and the brain has no place to put that file of what happened until it can make sense of the problem and then it can process and file that in a place that will always be on alert trying to help keep you safe from this again. It is our Ego side I think that comes up with these rationalizations would of should of and could of scenarios. Then the voice in our head begins to make us feel that it was my fault. Someone taking the advantage of us is never right. If we were close friends and I shared this story with you, would you tell me it was my fault? You deserve to be given that same compassion to yourself. I too struggle with having to shut down that voice in my head, telling me I should have or I could have. We get in a Fight or Flight mode and we are paralyzed into not being able to do anything differently. This might have even saved your life.
I hope I am not out of pocket with you. I just want you to know it really is not your fault
@bubblegumPuppy68 Thanks again Bubble for explaining to me everything so clearly, I even wrote some of the points in my journal to look at them whenever in distress❤ It's sometimes easier to ignore the logic but I think if I will keep repeating the logic to myself it might help me genuinely feel from inside that it wasn't my fault. I have a lot to learn from you😊
@energeticThinker3129
I just stopped by to check on you and any progress you may or may not have made.
If you would like a 1 on 1 chat just tag me and maybe we can set a time to talk. Otherwise be safe, be encouraged, and don't give up❤️
@bubblegumPuppy68
Hello Bubble, glad you remember me😊 I am in a very low emotional state and would really like to talk to you, I will drop a message in few days time and we can schedule then, giving you some space💙
Yes I totally agree with it that it's not your fault and I know your feelings are valid. These rapers should have deserved death, I know that it is hard for you to deal with this all but I'm with you always. It was their fault so please stop blaming yourself because you didn't know that it would happen. Please take care yourself and you really mean to me❤️
@bigFireworks9590
Thank you Fire! I will keep trying to not blame myself and would take care. Thank you for the support.
