I feel like my meds are a constant reminder of my assult

I have been feeling strange lately in regards to my birth control. It works great in what it does, haven't had intensely painful periods that debilitate me for days on end and i haven't gotten pregnant. My head just remembers what I needed to do to get it. (tw mentions of rape) I had an abusive ex who is a man who would rape me. After a few times he decided to slip off the condom and after that I was so scared that I would end up a teen mom at 16 (writing this I am 20). Luckily my period came and it was supper painful as it always was and my mom mentioned that i could get on the pill to regulate it a bit and make my periods less painful. She never knew about the abuse let alone the sexual abuse. i got an appointment for it for that next month and did the whole pregnancy test (which i was petrified would say positive because in the time between my ex did the same condom slip off. it was negative thankfully) and in the end I got the prescription. I lied to the doctor when I said I was sexuality active because I didn't want to think about what he does as being active because i didn't want it. I did want the pills to make sure that if he did that again that it would be another just in case he did that again or try something else. The period thing was just a nice side effect (the reason now I am still on it and have not stopped) but now i kinda see the pills being a constant reminder of that time. I cannot really switch to another form of birth control due to some other things I am on and the fact that they are still trying to figure out the rest of my meds.

I have tried to draw on the packs to make them a bit more positive but it doesn't really help and it's eating away at me. Feel like I have to choose between the constant reminder or being in horrid pain for a week every month.

Don't know why I wrote this. Might just be trying to get my thoughts down in one place.