Dealing With Sexually Abused Partners

Hello everyone, I'd like to contribute to this post, its a very well needed one and a wonderful idea... Hope you guys and girls enjoy!

Ive been married to a beautiful girl, more like a princess, for a little over a year now. Throughout this entire year we have shared everything together. One of those being that my princess was sexually abused… and to be honest, I couldnt even tell before she told me when we first started dating. When she had told me, I was very unaware of the terms, and definitions that were included in the sexually abused and assaulted descriptions. Previous to when I had met her, I used to think rape was a funny slang word and never really took it seriously… and man do I regret those days. Being involved in a relationship with someone who is sexually abused shouldnt just make a discrete category of what a relationship consists of because Im very aware that every relationship is different and unique to that couple, and that there is never going to be that same feeling you get for someone with another being. Its extremely interesting to look back at my past relationships and see how different they are from this one. I noticed a number of things that had changed in my personal view of life and how I think of a relationship. So throughout the year that my wifey and I have been together weve shared a connection like I never experienced before. Its not boyfriend, girlfriend type of scenario, nor is it a husband, wife. Its more like a best friend relationship I feel, although its more... I can definitely say that I enjoy this more than any relationship Ive ever been in. I notice that you have to be careful of what you say and how you say it as well, because something may sound harmless in your mind but can be a, forgive me she hates this word, trigger for others. So I really have to think about what Im trying to say and how I must say it. Another thing I have come across every day is that you have to be understanding, compassionate, sympathetic and really just listen to what he or she is saying. My girl is so, so thoughtful and full of empathy, she is the most precious thing I tell you, I cant say if this is significant to her or if what had happen to her made her like this but she is so caring about everyone and everything. You have to let her be her own person, you cant be overly protective and make decisions for her, I used to do this for her more often, but she has really blossomed into her own person which makes me incredibly proud and happy for her… but enough with experiences, if you have been sexually abused or witnessed someone who has been, you know that life isnt easy, great and all sunshine and rainbows. My princess has very hard anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts followed by minor flashbacks and memories of uncomforting events. This is obviously no easy wall to break through and we both have recognized that. Self-harm is a common trait that follows abuse in any way shape or form. When she gets like this, do not ever let her go, leave her or be unsupportive. From my personal experiences with her I havent found anything that really helps, I just tell her straight whats happening, that Im here, and that I will make everything okay. And to do this, is no simple task... Of course it will be different for anyone whos been abused, but I feel that comfort is a universal solvent, and affection as well is something that will help. I have found that I cant make her just magically be okay, Im not the one who is fighting, and neither will you if you were in my shoes. She is battling this darkness, which means he or she must defeat it and overcome it. When and if she does in my case, I am extremely proud, honestly because its another bridge burned and another day I get to spend with her and not without her… I cant say I help her, but in the time Ive been with her, Ive been there through the worst of it and shes gone 4 or 5 months without self-harm. I think that I do make a difference, not that Im bragging, but to see a girl who had a date to take her life change to a girl that wants to marry and have many bright beautiful children of her own is quite the accomplishment for her, along with me for Ill be there with her. So honestly the best thing you can do is just be there for him or her, support them and never leave their side when they need you. Give them all your attention and just tell them to slow down, take a breather, and listen to you. Reassure them that you are with them, and they are not alone and just be there when they need you… Doing all this isnt simple, I couldnt live 365 days of pure happiness seeing this flower suffer. I also get upset, depressed and stressed. And everyone gets stressed at time to time, theres not harm there just dont take it out on them. Seriously, its a mistake, you should never lash out at someone who has been traumatized with this fear, pain… will hurt very much coming from someone they trust and love. I have to deal with the stress that comes with helping this princess, and making sure shes okay. Dont take this the wrong way, Im willing to do this and I do it because I want to, if you cant personally handle a lot of stress you have to communicate with your partner, they human too don treat them like they are clueless of the situation. I find that music is a massive help, I love reggae music, it just sooths my bones, and really reassures me and gives me hope. Try talking with him or her and letting them know that youre under a lot of stress if you ever are, and let them know that they arent the cause. Try to get some alone time, and really just do anything that makes you happy to blow off steam. But again, never take it out on someone who has been abused you never know what they are thinking. Now Im not writing all this being ignorant that not all that are abused, sexually and physically are weak, hopeless. Believe me I know that some come out stronger and braver than ever. My girl is the bravest, strongest person Ive met in my entire life, she is definitely a fighter and is not the one to give up. You never know who people really are until you get to know them, so please dont be ignorant, dont make fun of peoples problems, disabilities or scars. Dont be the kid who laughs at the word rape, molestation and exploited... realize that there are people out there who have been through hell and back, but somehow still remain on this planet, and Im proud to say that Im married to a survivor, a fighter, and lover…

I am affected by this but in the opposite way..

I always wonder what my boyfriend thinks of me..

Thank you @Jennalovely2 for your wonderful and without any doubt so useful idea of having created this thread.

Thank you also @Connorloves, your post has been to me one of the most touching and encouraging posts I have ever read, it is just beautiful. I wish you, your wife and your family to come, a wonderful life.

I would like to add to what Connorloves said, that according to me, trust in your past abused close one's ability to improve and heal is one most helpful thing you can give her/him. I mean ABSOLUTE 100% trust, not 99.9%.

Why is that? Because the time when they will need the most your trust in them to heal is when yourself will tend the most to doubt, for example when they seem to completely crash down and go backward, whch can seem at times very discouraging. Therefore as a close and loving one, during these times, you are THE one who will trust her/him for themselves, that way they can start to build, step by step with time, trust in themselves that that never had or that they lost after the abuse(s). I think that very often a past abused person has no self-trust and feels worthless at a very deep level.

I hope that will make sense to the persons who read this post and would be very interested at what they think.

I wish you all the so very best, sending you all nice thoughts from France,

Gilles

Both of you are so wonderful - thank you for sharing!

I was sexually abused alot and my ex boyfriend was too.

In some ways having shared experiences and traumas helped as he was the most understanding boyfriend I have ever had.

But there was a very dark side to our relationship too. You see I used to trigger him, when I got triggered (if that makes sense). And when my ex got triggered, he got angry and tended to take it out on me.

He was always sorry afterwards and I tried to stop triggering him but everytime I flinched or he noticed that I was disasociating or I didn't feel like sex, he got so angry. Not at me per se but at the situation, about my past, and his. Our relationship became toxic because my PTSD kept bringing up his issues.

This might sound like I'm blaming myself but I'm not really. He was never abusive in any other relationship-I know this for a fact because I was friends with his exes.

I still love him and always will but the relationship wasn't strong enough to cope with both of our issues.