Can't seem to say it
In my previous relationship I was abused by my boyfriend and it took me a long time to realise that what happened was absolutely not ok. Once I did, I felt very confused as I apparently couldn't trust my own feelings. I was still in love with this guy and had dreamed of having a future with him. At this moment I've come to terms with what happened and have no feelings for him anymore whatsoever. However, when I'm asked to label what happened, or say it and thus accept it, there seems to be some kind of barrier. I simply can't name it. I know it wasn't oke, but I don't feel like a victim of ... Naming it feels like it would label me as such. I do openly talk about it with those close to me, but just hearing others say it makes me tear up. Is this some form of denial, or is there nothing wrong with not wanting to feel labeled (without denying the trauma)?
@callmepien
Hi !
I can imagine how confusing and bewildering must be this situation.
Let's see...
Naming something confronts you drastically with that.
Avoidance is a natural defense mechanism to protect you from the pain associated with something.
On the other hand, there isn't anything wrong with not calling something by its name.
We do it all the time. We allude to things without naming them directly. Can be for a variety of reasons.
So, it might be a natural way of avoidance, but there is nothing wrong with it.
Defense mechanisms are good, useful, they protect us from pain.
As long as they don't prevent us from carrying out our lives as we want, there is nothing wrong with that, I think.
Only when the avoidance becomes a barrier to normal life it is a problem.
A little avoidance is OK.
Does it make sense ?
All the best !
Marcelo.
Hi Marcelo, it does make a lot of sense! It's also reassuring to hear that it's not wrong with it. Do you think that it if I were to talk to an outsider such as my boss, he would still understand the gravity of what happened? Without calling it by name. I might have to tell him about it to avoid having to work with my ex again, and I'm terrified of having that conversation. But I'm a bit worried that if I don't give it that name he won't act accordingly. Like it might seem like it's not that bad. Or do you reckon he'd still understand well enough if use looser terms?
Oops, '...there is nothing wrong with it...'*
@callmepien
I think that if you tell your boss that you can't work with your ex anymore because he did something very wrong and hurtful to you, that you prefer not to enter into the details, but makes you feel so bad in his presence that would severely affect your performance at work, he will understand perfectly the situation.
And he would feel that it is in his best interest to make the change, as he is responsible for the good work climate and productivity of the team.
Thank you, I can work with that 😊
@callmepien
You are welcome !
I am glad you liked it !
All the best !
Marcelo
