After effects.. help

In my waking life I was/am a victim a CSA from multiple people but I especially have extreme trauma from my brother. I have a boyfriend who I love dearly.. I never felt so…. Loved, like I wanted to change start a new leaf. I want this— him to be all different from any pst unhealthy relationship I had. Hm.. Well I’m struggling with the after effects of the trauma though. I’m actually going through being bashed because I chose to speak out because my boyfriend has encouraged me and instilled so much strength into me. Besides that, as I said I’m going through after effects. I try hard to have s** with my boyfriend but it’s hard.. it’s so hard. I’m scared of everything. I can be so aroused in the moment but when it gets to the sex part I just can’t do it. “It hurts too bad” I say, while that maybe the case I’m scared of sex but I really want to have s** with him, him being my first and last lol but I physically can’t, I’m scared of the pain, the trauma my brother inflicted on me. I feel as though s** shouldn’t hurt and I want to skip to the part where it doesn’t hurt. I cried in my boyfriends chest today about it and I felt so relieved after.. so relieved. I’m trying to open up — my body. But it’s so stressful and it gets too much for me. I had told him I wished I was normal and didn’t have to go through this, I wish it wouldn’t be such a pain to want to have s** with someone I love. I broke down in front of him. It was a lot. I’m tired of being scared and pushing him away. I feel bad for doing it. Pushing him away and wasting the supplies we need. I’m scared of s** but I really want to have s** with him. I always find my legs tightening and my hand in front of his chest so it won’t happen because I’m scared of it all. Im really scared.