will it ever stop affecting me like this?

TW: csa, domestic violence

Hi everyone,

This is my first time posting here on this forum, and I'm not really good at explaining myself, but hopefully talking about this can make me feel a bit better even if no one can offer any specific advice.

I don't really wish to go in to details about a topic that is very difficult for me to talk about, but when I was little my father was a very violent and troubled man. He hospitalized my mom on multiple occasions and abused me for several years before my mom was able to take my brother and I and flee the country to get away from him. This all happened over a dozen years ago now.

I just..

I try not to think about it most of the time, but sometimes I just feel so ashamed. What happened to me started when I was so little that I feel like it shaped me into who I am. I know I overreact to things, and I feel like I'm crazy sometimes, but don't know what to do. Sometimes I feel like a monster pretending to be a kind and normal person.

I wish I could just forget and move on with my life. I'm not a little girl anymore, and I haven't even seen him in so long; I hate that even after all these years it still affects me. It feels like I'm letting him win every time by not being able to move on from it, or like I'm looking down at the huge effort my mom made to let us finish growing up safe and out of his hands. My life is good now for the most part, it really is, so why do I still feel and react like this?

My mom is very understanding with me, but she likes to pretend like nothing ever happened, and I know that was a very difficult time for her too that she doesn't like to remember, so it's not really like I can talk to her. And I've always told everyone else that my father died when I was young, to avoid having to answer difficult questions. Plus even though I know that it's not my fault, it still feels like such a dirty and ugly thing that I can't bring myself to say anything to anyone else.

I wish I could forget. I wish I could forgive him. I wish I could just pretend it never happened like my mom does. I sort of wish that he really had died when I was young, as terrible as that is to say.

I mostly just wanted to get this off my chest, and I know that it's a difficult topic so it's okay if no one has anything to say in response. However, if anyone has any advice to give I'd be really grateful to hear it. I hope that anyone that reads this had a wonderful day.