used abused very alone

never thought i would post

a difficult childhood, thought i had it in its box, apparently i was wrong

currently being stalked by childhood abuser - impacting on all i do

I know I overreact feed his obsession, try desperately to show no weakness, he knows exactly how to pull the strings and wait for me to perform. I feel violated all over again, I just cant ignore him. I have chosen not to pursue legal routes, just too weak to stand the repercussions, endless statements, reliving the moments to what end, to be scrutinised and found wanting I dont need anybody else to tell me that I'm failing,

Nightmares, lack of sleep, he is just with me constantly. trying so hard to hang on to the normalities of life, all I want to do is lock myself away indoors and never venture out ever again. I dont think I can ever explain the sheer terror I allow him to conjure up certainly cant justify it, I know I allow him to play his mind games, he does very little his presence is enough, my head does the rest. Walking down the road there is no real danger, yet I cant walk past him, the panic takes hold, feel physically sick, just need to get away. Guilt, self-blame, that if I had put up more of a fight historically perhaps he wouldnt see me as so weak now.

There are times when I wish I didnt have to wake up. Weary from the continual fight, just want it to stop, to just be normal whatever that is, tiredness makes small things seem insurmountable. Feel I need to justify my fear of mike but I cant - I just am