Social anxiety, dissociation, occasionally mute

So I have experienced various traumatic events, both single incidents and long term incidents including (but not limited to) various forms of abuse, assaults, etc. in various environments and with various people throughout my life.

I’m blanking right now so sorry if nothing comes out right or whatever. I also struggle with being severely scatter-brained and poor memory. Um…

The most recent traumatic time was 4 years, ending a year ago. I was in an abusive relationship and working environments. My abuser, I lived with, abused me in every single way. I also had 15 loved ones pass during that time. We are now at 19 total…

My issue currently, well.. what I’m wanting is to focus on in this thread is my dissociation and bouts of being unable to speak in social situations, or during and after emotional flashbacks.

What I mean is I find that when I’m around people and need to speak, such as to a cashier, I start dissociating and find myself unable to speak much or often at all.

In interviews, I can kind of get away with it but I’ll feel sick for weeks afterward, despite getting the job. As for the act of working or anything social, keeping friends, anything… I fail, miserably.

I don’t think I’d be say, diagnosed with selective mutism, or anything… but idk how to even go about figuring this out and even google doesn’t understand what I mean lol

I find if I’m forced to talk, the words aren’t mine. It’s as if I’m reading from a script, with someone else’s voice. I’m so dissociated in those moments (like with my psychologist, oh dear..) that I will say “everything’s going well” when I know that’s entirely false. I leave feeling so guilty and awful for lying, yet I had absolutely no control of my words or myself. I was just so out of it and going through the motions, the script, placed on me.

I’ve decided to write a letter to her and explain myself, once I work up the courage to face her again, and have the money….. but, as for other people in daily life I don’t know what to do.

How do I shake the dissociation and silence.

How do I communicate that I can’t speak? I mean… do I bring a dry erase board and a marker and talk that way until I can get my voice back in these situations?

I can talk sooo freely to my partner but even family I struggle talking to now… sorry, I must admit I feel a bit hopeless though I’m sure I can be helped, somehow…