My past **Trigger Warning**

Hi.

I keep minimizing my trauma, and in reading all of the stories I was able to read here I feel mine isn't even serious enough to grant me my diagnosis. But I do have CPTSD diagnosis and I'm in therapy. I'm starting to be aware of co-conscious personalities within myself, and I'm doing IFS therapy, which helped bring them into light. Anyway, here it is.

**Trigger Warning**

My parents met and fell in love, and although both highly dysfunctional and aware of it, decided to have a child together and I was born. You couldn't tell by the pictures of my childhood, which seem so full of love and caretaking, but my father was an abusive alcoholic and my mother has always suffered from a deep depression, so for the first years of my life I was raised by a nanny. My mother decided to end the relationship with my father when I was 2. My father moved countries supposedly to get treatment, but no treatment ever stuck with him. I moved to that country when I was 5, and my father started treating me like I was my mother, with what I remember being very innapropriate behaviors and I also have memory gaps from sleeping in his house, but anyway, that lasted up until I was 18 and had enough of it, going no contact with him. He died two years later from a heart attack.

I also endured severe neglect from both my parents, as well as constantly moving countries and houses, and being expelled from home twice for acting out my anger.

I was sexually abused when I was 14 by a then boyfriend who wanted to teach me how to have sex. Shortly after that I was told that it was best if I changed schools, so I could be set free from bad influences, and then from there I was sent to live with my dying grandmother. I started drinking before that, but by then I drank every day, developing alcoholism that I fight to this day, even though it's under control now.

I have a lot of memory gaps, so bear with me.

I met a guy when I was 20 and we didn't want a relationship together. After 2 or 3 months of a purely physical relationship, he sexually abused me and filmed it. He manipulated me into believing I wanted it, into moving in with me, then after when we lived alone he started hitting me, isolating me from all my friends and making me believe I was the one to blame, that he was just reacting to my craziness and my friends didn't like me, hence me being all alone. The police was called by the neighbours on multiple occasions, but I never pressed charges. He barely worked, I paid for all our bills, and he wanted to be an artist... I endured that relationship for almost 3 years, until one day one of my subpersonalities or alters took over and I almost jumped from my apartment's high window. He stopped me, and the next day I decided that I needed to break up. Making him leave my apartment took around 4 months, he insisted in staying. Eventually I kicked him out (literally kicking).

Then I started heavily consuming all kinds of drugs, developed psychosis after a few years (I told this part of the story on another forum here), not sure if it's from a mental illness or reaction to the drugs or both, but now I'm again living with my mother, getting back out there to work and study, started therapy first for my psychosis and how to deal with it. As soon as I started therapy, the psychosis vanished and the trauma became apparent. I couldn't talk about the trauma from my father for a long time, just started being able to a few months ago.

I have always endured stuff from other boyfriends and casual relationships, never did have a healthy one. Friendships are mostly one sided or with people that severly lack empathy, with the exception of good people I met on the way. I have a lot of trust issues, so that makes it hard, but I'm working on it.

My mother went through therapy and is much better now, I'm also older and independent so our relationship is not abusive anymore. Although she still has some stuff to work on, I no longer feel that imense anger or am I trying to change her. I accept my responsibility in my treatment and lay my boundaries, and that seems to be enough for now.

Thank you for reading.